04 September 2008 ~ 161 Comments

The Truth About No Contact

truthaboutnocontact The Truth About No Contact
You have probably heard about implementing No Contact soon after a break up and there are many articles and discussions about it all over the internet. It is one of those strategies that are extremely important but not many are keen to implement. It’s not easy to completely shut yourself off from the person you love. It’s a habit and a drug.

I think the first thing you’ll likely do is to rationalize why No Contact is not for you or why it’s not as important as others say. Let’s look at why No Contact is important and if it’s really beneficial for your situation.

What is No Contact?

In my opinion No Contact = No Contract.

Your relationship started with a contract that bound the two of you together in a mutual agreement to love, cherish, respect one another. When you enter a relationship you do so because of the benefits you’ll receive from the other person. Everyone wants to be loved, to be looked after, to be respected and to have their opinions count. That’s why people get into relationships.

What happens when your partner tells you they don’t want to be with you is a major slap in the face to you and all the effort you have put into the relationship. They’re pretty much saying the contract is up, their lease is over and they’re ready to move out and move on to bigger and greener pastures.

It hurts because your ex has ditched you when you still felt you were under contract for another few years or even indefinitely.

Now in reality you wouldn’t go crying and begging to the bank if they have rejected you or if a business rejects you. That’s not professional and their respect for you will pretty much go through the floor. Same thing will happen with your ex, though they will be a lot more sympathetic and they might even make you feel better through compensation. However this is never long lasting and often another break up will happen around the corner.

Now clearly things are never quite this simple in the real world. Depending on why your relationship ended, going straight into No Contact can be a negative instead of a position. What that means is sometimes you need to use your common sense and decide what you should do for your situation.

If your ex has left you it might be a lack of one or more of the following:

  • appreciation
  • affection
  • desire
  • passion
  • acknowledgement
  • excitement
  • newness
  • respect
  • willingness to share and contribute
  • growth and expansion

Whatever their reason may be, you need to accept that you might never really know the real reason they’re leaving you. (Often they won’t really know either)

What To Do After Getting Dumped?

I don’t recommend going into No Contact straight away if you still love your ex and want your ex back. Why? Because if you still love your ex and you want to make things right, it doesn’t make sense to not try to get them back. But that’s not really the problem. I would think most people reading this would have tried already to convince their ex to come back; it’s the most natural thing to do especially directly after a break up and when you’re highly emotional.

Now if you were dumped the day before and it was a big shout fest where lots of unpleasant things were said and you woke up this morning feeling like crap and regretting the whole thing. I recommend settling yourself down so you’re not in a state of panic before calling. If your ex refuses to talk to you, whatever you do, DON’T keep calling!

Wait a few more days to try. You should never go on a txt message binge or anything of the kind. Now if you have ALREADY done that, then you should start No Contact right now.

The Truth Behind No Contact

A lot of people think once they have started no contact, that means if they talk or even acknowledge their ex at all from this point on, it means they have failed the entire process. Please don’t be harsh on yourself, if you set a bunch of rules that are unrealistic in nature (eg, like not talking to your ex if you work together) you are only setting yourself up to fail. Be flexible but understand your main intentions for going into No Contact.

Here are the main rules to follow:

  • Don’t try to do anything purely to provoke a reaction out of your ex.
  • Don’t initiate conversations that could lead to a ‘friendly’ relationship with your ex.
  • Don’t call your ex to talk about anything other than when there’s a major emergency.

Another easy way to remember how to act is to think of your ex as a distant acquaintance you have neutral feelings for. You wouldn’t call or go out of your way to talk to someone you barely know and that’s how you should treat your ex during the No Contact phrase.

How Long Should No Contact Last?

If you’re going to use this rule to the extreme (not always recommended)

You typically use No Contact until one of two things happen:

a) your ex hints at wanting you back or

b) you don’t want your ex back anymore.

It’s not difficult in theory but people aren’t robots and we often misread signs or get too excited too quickly. Now the important thing to remember is if you do happen to make a mistake and it sets you further back, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world and mistakes will undoubtedly happen! Simply go back into No Contact and continue on knowing you have learnt a lesson from your mistake.

Now what will happen is that your ex will contact you and suggest to get together (or you might even suggest to get together). Go out and have some fun but in the back of your mind you should be thinking where this ‘date’ should be leading. If it’s not progressing towards reconciliation then you go back on No Contact and be honest with your ex about it.

Simple in theory but hard to implement in the real world (like most things).

Surviving No Contact

I won’t lie, it’s hard like a druggie trying to come clean. But it WILL get easier. The more you distance yourself and the less you communicate, the faster the healing will be. Clearly if you go complete cold turkey, you’ll make faster progress than someone who sees their ex everyday and has to make small talk out of politeness. If you want to get through it quick, consider taking a long holiday somewhere.

What I mean by getting through it quick is getting to the point where it isn’t so painful going through the day without talking to your ex anymore. You want to get to that stage where a few days might go by without having thought of your ex at all. That’s the best position to be in because to survive the break up, you need patience and you can’t get it if you’re staring at the problem every second of the day.

Want a secret formula to surviving no contact? Or how about how to STOP no contact all together?

Check out The Ex Recovery System

161 Responses to “The Truth About No Contact”

  1. Kat 31 July 2010 at 2:15 am Permalink

    I shared a lease with my ex for the past 6 months, so we had to communicate somewhat about the rent, his stuff, etc. He left very suddenly and even started hanging out with me again a couple times in Feb. then was gone again. He was my first love so it was very devastating and I haven’t been able to do “No Contact” until a month ago. It has been a month and I have had absolutely NO contact with him what-so-ever. He told me he’s “sorry he has to giv eup on me” and he is “afraid that if we talk I will undo the little bit of self esteem he has gotten back.” I decided to cut off all contact because nothing else has worked even though I have tried to be nice, tell him how much I love and miss him (and his kids). I feel like I have looked deperate and pathetic and I may have totally screwed up any chance to have him in my life. Do you think the “no contact” thing will work now that so much time has passed since we broke up?? Help!!

    • Kat 7 September 2011 at 12:12 pm Permalink

      I am replying to this because I was the one who originally wrote this over a year ago and I feel like I can now share some wisdom that I learned after going through this. As I read back on my original post I see someone desperately clinging to the wrong love because it felt “comfortable.” You share your life with someone, you love them with all your being and can’t imagine EVER leaving them only to have them walk out of your life like it meant nothing and that HURTS very bad. However, that action alone makes them totally NOT right for you. For those who are grieving the loss of your relationship let me give you some advice. You may not be ready to hear it yet, but in time, You’ll understand and hopefully will get lucky and find the person you are meant to be with. THEY ARE OUT THERE! Here it is: MOVE ON!! Definitely do ‘No Contact’ but don’t do it with the intention of getting them to notice you. Do it because that’s all they deserve. They don’t deserve any more of your time or attention. They don’t deserve your love or your tears. You are better than them because you know how to love! So, give that love to yourself and eventually, you will give that love to someone more deserving and more importantly…who will LOVE YOU BACK in every way that you dream of. They won’t leave you, they will stick with you no matter what…unlike that person your crying over right now. How do I know, You may ask??? Because when I let go (I mean really let go) of the guy I wrote my previous post about…I found the best man I have ever met. He treats me exactly the way I always wanted to be treated and he is genuinely in love with me and I with him. We are getting married next year and I am soo much happier than I ever was with what’s his name. Trust me, when you let go, you open yourself up to a much better life! Don’t waste your time on someone who abandoned you in the first place.

      • Jeff 7 September 2011 at 4:04 pm Permalink

        Thanks Kat. I’m having a helluva time dealing with my breakup. I gave in during NC once and it only made me hurt all over again. I’m trying so hard to move on but
        it’s tough. You’re right, she doesn’t deserve my attention, tears or the energy I put into all this. I know how to love, and she will never know just how great I am at it, someone else so much better than her will.

        • Thomas 17 September 2011 at 5:55 am Permalink

          I don’t need to tell you what I am going through. She told me that she was never in love with me just playing the part because I was so amazing to her for the past two years. I got her off of drugs and put her life on a beautiful track and one week before my B Day “last week” she drops this bomb on me. I can’t say we were fighting, in fact our life seemed pretty perfect but I could sense that she was growing distant. The truth is she has put me through quite a bit for the last two years but I loved her and wanted to take care of her even more. Maybe I was/am obsessed over her company, her beauty our love making… EVERYTHING… She is moving out in a few days with in 3 foot balls fields of my place. I can see her apt from my balcony :(

          She says things like it doesn’t have to be black and white, we can possibly see each other. NO THANK YOU MAM, I am better than being someone’s part time love or comforter for when she is feeling unsure. I have cried one million tears in front of her and I KNOW that was my biggest mistake. We humans are sick and like games. I should have treated her like any common young man and she would have loved me for it. This has killed my LOVE for LOVE… :( She has NO IDEA but I am going to be DEAD to her the moment she hands me my key and walks away…. I have her my heart, now I need to take back my SOUL…

          Thank you Kat, your words are exactly what we all know we just don’t want to admit or accept them I guess. I want this girl to think I am the one who hung the moon in the sky as DID I think she was :(
          Someone told me something like this… She is not worth your tears and the one who is will NEVER make you cry…

          I did manage the strength to tell her the other night that she cant be the one for me because she CANT possibly love me. No one who really loved someone could do this to them. NO ONE…

          • Kat 21 September 2011 at 1:58 am Permalink

            I’m glad I was able to help You and I will continue to do so if you need advice. I know EXACTLY what You’re going through because I went through almost the same thing with my Ex. I have learned that there are what I call “emotional vampires” out there. They suck you dry and leave you there to feel like you are dying. It’s draining and exhausting to those who are their “victims.” But, we have a responsibility in it too. We have allowed ourselves to go along with their games. We don’t want to admit they aren’t good for us and they are someone we are taking ‘care’ of instead of being partners with. It’s a one-sided relationship. Because we are SO eager to love and to be someone’s world, we tend to turn a blind eye to what we are presented with until it’s too late. I am not an expert by any means, but I know the pain of a failed relationship. I know emotional abuse at the hands of someone I loved more than anyone. Trust me, it is sooo much better in the long run to just go through the pain of absolutely “NO CONTACT” and move forward with your life (figuring out who you are, what you won’t put up with) than to do this “back and forth, seesaw, clutch and grab” emotional rollercoaster with this person. They consider you a “crutch” when and only when they need it, not a person with feelings that wanted a honest, REAL, loving relationship. YOU deserve better than that. Don’t waste anymore of your precious life on a pointless and heartbreaking person. Give all that love and attention to yourself and I PROMISE you… there will be someone who you can finally have a functional, loving relationship with! Email me if you need to! I am happy to help! Good luck! :)

        • Kat 21 September 2011 at 2:02 am Permalink

          No Prob, Jeff! I know how hard it is, but a person who hurt you like this once…will continue to do it over and over. They don’t change, no matter how much they may end up telling you they have. It’s a game. Life is too short to waste your precious love on someone who never wanted to give it back. There are truly better people out there on this huge planet. One person doesn’t make or break you. I feel for you! Stay strong and good luck!

        • kk 27 October 2011 at 3:04 am Permalink

          hi there im sorry!!!!But really it’s always the females problem. what have you done to her to make her not want to talk or be with you ?

      • John 27 October 2011 at 11:45 pm Permalink

        Hi Kat,

        I would really like to know what you think!

        Here goes:

        Me and my now (ex) have been together 6 months. We have known each other 4 years and dated briefly in 2008. It was wrong timing for us both (just out of relationships), and after a few months of seeing each other, she went back to her ex as my head wasn’t ready to move on.

        Anyway, we don’t speak, she since then has had another ex,who I know she was very fond of. In April 2011, I spoke to her on FB and she kinda mentioned that he had just said “I can’t do this anymore”. She was devastated.

        Before I know it, we went out for a drink, I let her tell me all about it, and we eventually had a great time in each others company which led to us being an item.
        Admittedly, I felt she was a bit needy, and my job was playing havoc with my time, so we kinda broke up (unofficially) and over the course of a month, she ended up going on a date, which didnt work out. We had a holiday (Sept 11) booked for a while, and we went together. I relaised on holiday how much I loved her, how much I wanted to be with her and told her this. At first she said that I wasn’t forthcoming and she had felt I wasn’t interested so tried to move on, and in the course of a month, she felt me more as a brother!!

        We ended up sleeping with each other on holiday, and spent everyday together when we got back. She was falling for me again. Told me she loved me etc, and before I know it we are together again. Was great,and things were going great. She spoke to my parents about our plans for christmas etc, and up until 5 days ago, we were going great!

        Then, I notice from last week, she didn’t seem to interested, and over the weekend, did not hear anything which is very unusual as we spoke 3 or 4 times a day, calls/texts.

        She then asks me yesterday if I would like to go with her to the sisters newborn, and on the way home tells me that she isn’t happy, feels me more as a brother, even though we have a fantastic sex life. We have chemistry, we love being with each other, I can’t see how it has all changed in 4 days. She also has a few important personal issues in her life of late, so has this affected her mind? I’m just shocked. How do I play this. My friends advice is don’t contact her, if she wants to, she will.

        I told her how I felt about her last night before dropping her home, told her I was devastated etc, and where I thought we were going. She kept saying she was sorry and she was “probably about to make the biggest mistake of her life” Then asks if we can still be FB friends, and will I still message her?!

        I have adopted the NC rule, as I believe that she knows how I feel, and hassling her isnt going to help. She said her decision, and i am hoping maybe not hearing from me might make her realise what she hasn’t got anymore! Surely as she broke it off, it would be upto her to contact me?

        She is still on my FB, and I think I should remove her s I will keep looking at her page?

        Help!!

        Sorry its so long..

        • Kat 7 November 2011 at 7:54 am Permalink

          Hi, John!

          I’m honored that you would seek my advice about this. All I can offer is my honest opinion based on the info you posted. Here it goes:

          I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by having NC. It sounds to me like she is a very confused person and it’s not fair to you to have her constantly going hot and cold. It’s a mind game. She may not be intentionally doing it to hurt you, but it’s still a mind game. You can’t tell someone “You’re like a brother” and then proceed to sleep with them. Short of maybe some backwoods in the hills somewhere, I don’t know where that is normal. I’m not sure what it is she is seeking from you when she spends time with you in a “relationship” fashion, but it seems clear to me that she isn’t actually seeking a REAL commitment.

          NC is the way to go. As hard as it is, because you have real feelings invested, it’s the only way you’re BOTH going to know for sure if she made the biggest mistake of her life. Beware though…she may end up calling you up again when she wants her “brother” back and she knows she can manipulate you because you have feelings. Just get some distance and then you will know which way to go. Try your best to move on with your life in a positive way…don’t let hanging on to a person who is wishy-washy be the biggest mistake fo your life! It’s too valuable! Hope this helps!

          • John 7 November 2011 at 9:30 am Permalink

            Hi kat, thank you so much for your reply! I have an update for you. 3 days later it says on her Facebook Shes “in a relationship”. Shocked to say the least. Still didn’t retaliate, and have still gone nc. What do I do now?! John

        • Kat 7 November 2011 at 1:53 pm Permalink

          John – I can’t reply to your last comment…so I will reply to it here. The best thing for you to do now is to move on. That may not be what you want to hear, but she is obviously not interested in being “in a relationship” in any real sense if she already has it plastered on her FB 3 days after she ended things with you. Maybe she started something up with someone else while she was hanging out with you. It seems very sudden that she would ALREADY be in another relationship. Whatever the case may be, she isn’t worth it. You cannot change anyone but yourself. She has made herself unavailable to you and therefore is not worth the effort. It’s best you take back control of your own life and choose not to let her in it anymore. She will probably go through this pattern of hot and cold with other men…it’s best you take yourself out of the equation so a woman who is much more worthy of your love will take her place!! Good luck!

  2. Chuck 3 August 2010 at 11:38 pm Permalink

    Sorry, but “No Contact” doesn’t work after a certain point.
    If you want the person back you have to get up and start taking action. You have to figure out, honestly and clearly what went wrong and who is at fault for what. Someone _is_ to blame for the current end of the relationship. People make choices and act on them. They don’t “just happen” and people are not “just not meant to be”. If you weren’t “meant to be” then why did you get together in the first place? Things happen, things iside and outside of the relationship. People can grow and change. But people can also regress and change. Drug abuse, mental and social disorders, job loss, death of a close person. These all affect the romantic relationship. Some people pull away from everyone when they have been dealt a serious blow. Some people seek comfort of the known. Others seek the comfort of the unknown.
    You have to take the time to be honest with yourself and work on improving yourself gradually, NOT all at once. Face your issues, work on them and then reapproach them.
    If they still matter to you, do the work necessary to regain them, the trust and love that once was if the relationship was deep and not superficial. The first part is being honest and aware with yourself.
    Otherwise, no contact is a waste of time and you’re back to where you started: nothing understood and nothing resolved.

    • stephanie 4 June 2011 at 1:46 pm Permalink

      chuck, u are absolutely right :)

      • Isaak 15 October 2011 at 5:20 am Permalink

        Well ‘no contact’ is a framework and actually a test (unconcious mostly but also concious) of your willpower to demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions, to your significant other. You initiate this method as complimentary to what otherwise should be dealt with hopefully anyway—fixing what went wrong in the first place and admitting any guilt or lack of action (and growing and changing during this period). “No contact” ushers in a useful period of “blank slating” so there is a mental closure that the past relationship really is at an end and that the new relationship will start anew. Breaking no contact is like making the past ‘bad’ relationship still seamed together to the new one you want to start (assuming you do get back together) and you really need to break those seams and make a clear seperation that the previous relationship is fully at a close and that both parties have grown and are ready for a new relatiosnhip (that why you hear of all those on and off relationships that are really one big painful one with seams). During no contact anyway, you should be growing and clearing your mind of your natural human emotions which overtake you and make you not think clearly. It also gains you respect and makes the other person attracted to you more that you stuck with a rule and that you overpowered your emotions with clear thinking using your consious will. Research the internet on what no contact really means. Although straight-forward sounding, you’ll be suprised at how many people use some “watered-down method”, try to “adapt it to their style” and just downright dont do it correctly, which is why they say it didnt work for them. OF COURSE, you have your stories where the person dumping you really messed you over and they used you and they just really want to be that emotional vampire. No power moves will ever get those back and its sad that they made you fall in love with them.

        • DW 9 March 2013 at 4:48 am Permalink

          Isaak,

          I LOVE LOVE LOVE tour interpretation of the no contact rule. i’m doing it now. My ex and I were together for four years, and we’ve been broken up for almost eight months. Last month,i spoke with her (we’re a same-sex couple). I asked if she would like to start seeing each other again socially. After a week of contemplation, she came back to the table and said that although she misses me, us, having fun and me….she can’t return to the relationship because she’s still too hurt by the pain we’ve caused each other. To add to the fact, she’s been datg for

          • DW 9 March 2013 at 4:52 am Permalink

            To add to the fact, she’s been dating someone for the past few months. So I went into no contact, and when she called me about a question she had,I didn’t answer and didn’t call her back. It’s been about two Weeks. Doyou think I’m doing the right thing? Please advise.

            Thanks,
            DW

  3. bemo girl 2 September 2010 at 5:38 am Permalink

    Hey,
    Me and my ex broke up 3 weeks ago, and i have tried to contact him in a week… nor has he for me.. what do i do, i want him back and i want to talk to him!!!.. Please help :(

  4. bemo girl 2 September 2010 at 5:40 am Permalink

    Hey,
    Me and my ex broke up 3 weeks ago, and i have not tried to contact him in a week… nor has he for me.. what do i do, i want him back and i want to talk to him!!!.. Please help..I have

    • sian 5 July 2011 at 3:43 am Permalink

      hey, ring him and see if he fancies meeting up with you because you want to be friends with him and to say u dont want the hard feelings stilll on, then when u meet he might fall for u again x

      • steph aka bemo girl 12 September 2011 at 10:39 am Permalink

        how long does the no contact rule apply?, i was thinking of giving him a ring, but in the same respect he hasn’t called me either. i dunno im at a point where i don’t want him back, i kinda would like to see if he’s okay thou. its been a year and a bit since ive spoken to him

  5. riko 2 November 2010 at 10:54 am Permalink

    if hes still single date another guy. there is nothing as powerful than seeing ur ex girl date another guy. he sees what he lost. im that guy!!! i lost…

  6. tom 3 January 2011 at 12:45 pm Permalink

    I did chase for 1 1/2 years. I got no where. Now with no contact she is starting to not hate me! We were going to get married 2 years ago and she went bi-polar on me! We made love 3-6 times a day. What happened? I told her I love her and she went away! Not little by little she is just starting to change again. If I start to chase again she would start bad behavor again. Like I said slow changes are slowly happening. One day at a time. This program is right ( get back power) like you don’t care anymore. Let her think she lost you, not you lost her!!!

  7. fay 23 January 2011 at 8:25 pm Permalink

    hello, this is my first time trying the no contact approach, I don’t know where it will get me, but I must say that after a break up don’t date for awhile to get over it, through a break tempers flies everywhere we tend to say things and later regret. but the process is slow and like the other reader said it comes with patience. it is worth it. I just break up out of a relationship, after 20 years of chasing me he told me we are not compatible, now do I believe it? I don’t know, not only that he proceed to send me a letter to my job telling me he cannot help me with my accident that occurred in summer, but he can recommend me to some people who can help me. the reality is he already told me he could not represent me which I accept and never bring it up again, but he decide to wrote a letter and send it to my job telling me again he cannot represent me, I don’t know what is motives are, but needless to say I was embrassed that he did that. should I still go along with the no contact approach?

  8. Samantha 10 May 2011 at 1:27 pm Permalink

    My ex and I just broke our 6 1/2 yr relationship. He was the one that left me. In the last 4 mos of our relationship everything changed. We started to have very poor communication. We always talked about everything! All of a sudden everything seemed to go down hill. I still really love him and want to work things out. I’m honestly nervous to try no contact thinking he will think I don’t care or moved on…please help..can I get a guys input please???

  9. stephanie 11 May 2011 at 1:47 pm Permalink

    hey, its been 9 months since me and my ex broke up, i didn’t stop contact all together right away, that took some time. I not gonna lie, it was almost unbearable at first, and it still is hard because despite his flaws, i still love him. its called unconditional love that i have for him and for me its coming to terms with that. today was the first time in months that i called him. it was to wish him a happy birthday. because i didn’t get him on the phone i left a message. i kept it short. and i really did mean it
    my only hope now is that he heard it.

    i still love him, probably always will. ive accepted things for what they are now.

  10. ADF 2 June 2011 at 5:58 am Permalink

    The only thing I would add here is a warning to women: if your male ex contacts you, the chances are about 9 in 10 he is just fishing for no-strings sex. He may talk about reconciliation or being “friends,” but often, that is not his real objective. Of course, every situation is a bit different. But that different.

  11. Shawanda 2 June 2011 at 10:54 am Permalink

    I am pregnant and I hurt my ex and he moved back to his home town but he still talk to me but not like I want him to talk to me he say ge want me back but he is scared but if I dont call him he want call me and if he do its to check on the baby I go down there some times and we have sex but my feeling are still caught up help me please

    • ADF 4 June 2011 at 10:15 am Permalink

      It is nearly impossible to be helpful without knowing what you mean when you say “hurt” your ex. There’s a million ways to hurt people. Most are forgivable; a few aren’t.

  12. Shawanda 2 June 2011 at 10:55 am Permalink

    I am pregnant and I hurt my ex and he moved back to his home town but he still talk to me but not like I want him to talk to me he say ge want me back but he is scared but if I dont call him he want call me and if he do its to check on the baby I go down there some times and we have sex but my feeling are still caught up help me please tell me what I need to do

  13. Sarah 2 July 2011 at 3:47 pm Permalink

    My boyfriend broke up (after a 2yrs relationship) with me because he said he had enough of fighting all the time.. truth is i argued all the time with him because i couldn’t bear him, i didn’t love him enough -though he loved me a lot-.
    Now i can’t stop talking to him i miss him like crazyyy and i think he does too.. should i try getting back with him even though i have a feeling it’s going nowhere?

    • Alex 7 July 2011 at 7:48 pm Permalink

      It’s not going nowehere if you are both offering a sacrifice, that is you decide if you miss him more than you love him. If you realise you love him rather than miss him, tell him that you appreciate him. If you want him back as a lover or friend make it a habit to remind him that you do or did appreciate him. Fighting is just passion after all.

  14. kwena 9 July 2011 at 9:28 am Permalink

    I used the Nc for 2weeks then he sent me email saying he wants to see me and I ignored him then he called me saying he wants to come see the baby then he came and I was soo cold to him and ddint communicate bwt nything in our relationship oor bwt reconcile,a day after he sent me another mail saying he coming on saturday to visit, I haven’t responded because I dnt wanna break my rules(No contact),I want him back but now I dnt know what to say to him,should I say Yea come over or keep quite? How long should I keep shutting him out? I’m desperate and I dnt wanna loose him czhes dating someone now. Please help me out.

    • Alex 10 July 2011 at 5:48 pm Permalink

      Kwena, your in a good position even if he is dating as you don’t look desperate (for his company or a rebound). You should keep looking after yourself, keep looking good and when you see him again, go for a coffee or something. When you guys hang out and start laughing and having fun, hint that you guys were so good together. He needs to remember why both of you are awesome. Keep him hungry but be fun when he’s around you. As a guy, I’d be gutted going home saying to myself “****, that girl was awesome why am I not with HER!”.

      You shouldn’t hang out for long, and if you hint that you are dating/something going on in your life, he’ll hurt, as he’ll feel he can’t have you despite you being great (both how you look and are to him). Stay patient and in control Kwena, your lucky you can now communicate with him when you want (I’m jealous your at that stage! ) – don’t screw it up by letting him think he already has you (therefore taking you for granted, his ‘back-up’ plan).

  15. Momma 8 August 2011 at 10:36 am Permalink

    I’m 3 months pregnant and my boyfriend has been having crazy panic attacks for the last month. He says he needs to “stand on his own two feet”. We have been having contact as we live together, but have broken our lease, and I’m moving into a new house with my parents. I’ve been trying to limit contact to what is absolutely necessary. Whenever we see each other, we both start crying (he is a total tough guy, so the crying just undoes me!) I’m looking for a second job and trying to gear up to be a single mom, but I love this guy with all my stupid heart and I want him to figure his midlife crisis or whatever out and come home. How do you do “no contact” when there is a baby on the way, bills to work out and a household to divvy up?

  16. desi_gal 9 August 2011 at 5:36 am Permalink

    Hi,
    I and my ex fiance broke up 3 yrs ago. I made a mistake and kept on calling him and the more i went after him the more he go away from me. Now after three yrs i contacted him and told him to give me a call. He did call me and we decided we can be friends. He finally met me and he was all over me and touching me and kissing me and told me he missed me and asked me if i missed him or not. He told me he has a girlfriend. He still wants to see me again despite having a girlfriend. He said he cant have relationship after me. After the meeting, I text him and he responses. He has never texted me. Does he still love me or want to get back to together?? Is he lieing that he has a gf or being honest. I dont know. Please help!! Should I continue talking to him??

    • john 10 August 2011 at 9:29 pm Permalink

      dont let him waste your time use your brain ur just a bull ant there are higher powers at work here at the sign of him stuffing you around give up cause hes not real or truthfull. get a brain make good judgment dont be niave noone is going to help you for being dumb and innocent u will wear the pain. its takes 2 to tango if he stuffing around move on i no its hard but he thinkg ur a pice of shit thats why he moved on and dont beilive any bullshit garge he got to say actions speak louder than words

  17. Alex 11 August 2011 at 6:27 am Permalink

    I have been trying for 2yrs. to get my ex/baby mother back and she keeps telling me she wants to get back togeather and then she told me no after makeing ot sound so convinceing what do I do and for some reason one minute she is really nice and at other times she is really mean please help me here she is driveing me crazy and stressing me out

  18. Jennifer 11 August 2011 at 6:39 am Permalink

    My ex and I dated for close to 3 years. He treated me bad, broke up with me numerous times (sometimes a few months at a time), cheated on me, lied to me and mnipulated me…but the whole time he told me that he was in love with me. Every few months he would leave me and go back to his ex and then after a couple months he would contact me begging to come back. He said he made all those mistakes because he didn’t want to accept the fact that he fell in love with me. Now, we’ve been broken up for close to 2 months and I have had no contact with him since June 27th…I didn’t even call him on his birthday (July 17th). I don’t know if he’s seeing anyone or not and it’s killing me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m still in love with him and I miss him like crazy. I constantly have the urge to call him. Should I finally break down and call him and tell him how I feel or should I keep going through life with a hole in my heart? I hold out everyday thinking he’ll contact since he always eventually has in the past. I’m not sure what to do anymore…I feel really lost. :(

    • Me 25 August 2011 at 12:09 pm Permalink

      sadly i understand and feel ya.

    • kayla 28 August 2011 at 3:41 pm Permalink

      Maybe this time he is waiting for you to contact him. Try it. If it’s meant to be things will work out for the best.

  19. Ashley 17 August 2011 at 4:27 am Permalink

    Hello all,
    Ok I am going to try and be brief about this, try…my ex and I had a really nasty breakup and I was the one that initiated the breakup (in part) only to find him cheating on me when I asked for a break NOT a breakup….so in a nut shell that is our breakup story. I still love this man whole heartedly and for a while there was zero contact from him. Of course I contacted him telling him I would always love him, that he hurt me, that I wanted him to apologize for what he did, to admit his faults, the list goes on and on…of course not much to my surprise NO response for him. Then after some emotional and reckless thoughts I trying to use sex as a bargaining and for a reason to be next to him (pathetic, sad, and morally wrong I know) well this must have peaked his interest in and he began to talk to me again, but never in a kind gentle way (especially when we discussed our breakup! Of course he was plenty ok with sexual dirty comments), but we slept with each other 1 time this past weekend. I also returned the items I accidentally had of his and I could not hold my tongue any longer exclaiming “why did you cheat on me? Why did you did do this to us…” Of course all the while I was divulging how much I loved him and trying, what I thought was right at the time, admitting my faults and asking why he couldn’t admit his and to just apologize for his wrong doings!! Oh so confusing. So obviously this end up with us in a fight and with me storming off. Not even seconds later he sends me a seemingly cold message “…all the reasons I was so unhappy are coming back to me….” At first I did not think I would respond, but I eventually did. Now that I finally got him talking since there had been zero contact from him since June I thought I blew it and now once again there is negative attention again. So it seemed like he was giving me the cold shoulder again so I resulted back to using the sex routine to get in his mind again. Suddenly he messages (instant message via phone) saying sorry he was at work….Ok so finally I can get to my question(s). I convinced myself to calm down and to not message him….well he message be around 6ish last night asking some rude questions about even more stuff he thought I removed from our apartment (I moved out obviously and I already returned the items I had of his after our only 1 time sexually re-unitment this past weekend). Well I decided to not to reply. Then around 10:45 he instant message me again saying “No Comment”….also apparently during this time he was message me he also messaged my best friend asking her if she wanted to still talk with him about the situation with me….so then I get yet another message from him around 11:45 saying “Guess Not….So you wanted to talk so much, now it’s the cold shoulder….I believe he also messaged my best friend again during this as well. So I still left the message unanswered!! Then the last message I got from him last night (early this morning around 1:15) of him saying “Guess you’re just ignoring me now…I don’t understand, you wanted to talk this morning, and then nothing…Did you really even want to talk things out and work out everything between the two of us?” Obviously I’ve yet again have not relied back to him nor have I received any message from him since that last one last night…

    I am trying to apply this no contact rule in hopes to win him back (nothing else has worked as noted above except negative reactions and behaviors)….so now I don’t know what to do. I guess in theory I’ve just now started the “no contact” theory of course without notifying him of this, but it’s the very last message that is throwing me for a loop. I do not want him to think that I am ignoring him and he has NOT message me since that last message at 1:15 this morning, so what should I do? Do I reply back or wait for him to send me another message and then reply OR do not even reply at all even if hypothetically he were to message me later on today? Please help!!! I love this man and I hope that very soon we will be able to work things out in a very positive way of course!!! Sorry for the very long message! I didn’t think I could get a true honest response from any of those reading this post without sharing a little bit if history. I hope to get some feedback soon. Thank you and best regards.

  20. Me 25 August 2011 at 12:08 pm Permalink

    Hey guys me and my GF just broke up on sun. we have been together for a year and a half.. we both loved each other deeply but with that deep passion came brutal arguments. i was wrong in some aspects as to not really let her voice her opinion all the time but then again most of the arguments were her fault. sometimes she would understand other times she would just be mad. the last few months we were really trying to make things work and it seemed like things were getting better but she had these bi polar moments where the next minute things were wrong for no reason. to make a long story short i saw that another guy had messaged her on her phone and when i confronted her about it she said it was a guy she met at a bar 3 months ago! I was so furios i left her house and defriended her on FB. Im not sure if it was just a comfort kinda thing or if there was some sexual thing going on but i miss her, We did love each other. Well the other day i was emailing her and texting her like crazy. I messaged her once this morning saying that im sorry for hurting her badly enough to go take comfort in another guy.today is 08/24. she called me right after but i was at work and couldnt answer the phone. i havent tried to respond or anything like that so far.its 8 pm lol.. now i know shes def a no contact person. will no contact work to my advantage or disadvantage???

  21. Anne 27 August 2011 at 1:43 am Permalink

    So…does “no contact” means that you don’t talk to your ex even when he contact you first? My ex has been texting me, asking how I am doing or for random things. I haven’t called him, texted him or initiated any conversation first at all. But he tried to keep some contact going on.
    What should I do?

    • kayla 28 August 2011 at 3:37 pm Permalink

      If he is trying to contact you contact him back!! that’s how it should be…(him contacting you first.)

      • Thomas 17 September 2011 at 6:31 am Permalink

        I am starting NC in a few days when the LOVE OF MY LIFE moves out and I know she will contact me. I know she will, simply to feel better about her self late at night or when her cool friends are not around and she is lonely.

        I REFUSE to be her comforter when SHE KNOWS i would have HAPPILY been her knight in shinning armor for the rest of her life and she still TOSSED Me away like trash… I am so sickly in love and crushed but now anger is starting to evolve and I will NEVER show it to her but it some how comforts me.

        DONT WAIST any more of your tears on someone who MAKES YOU CRY….

  22. Ashley 31 August 2011 at 9:59 am Permalink

    My ex girlfriend I brokeup about 4 months ago.we meet in London and became friends.2 years later we went back home to South Africa.we hooked and had a plan that we would find jobs get a place together and really make a go of things. My girlfriend found a job through my step mom and I had a couple interviews but no luck.I searched for 3 months and nothing.eventually my money was running out and my gf brokeup with me and said things weren’t working out.she felt she needed to be on her own,I was deeply hurt cause I felt my gf gave up on me and lost faith in us.

    We kept in contact for the first 2 weeks .I moved to another city to try find work.I ironically found a great job with loads of potential.things were finally falling in place for me,but I didn’t have my gf with me to share it with .she was happy for me and said she brokeup with me cause she knew I needed to do something and I wasn’t going to do it if we were still together.we went on and off no contact accouple weeks here and there .she finally contacted me and asked me how iv been and ask me when I’m coming to visit again.I said I’m not sure,she said she would cone visit me in the summer.which I was excited to hear.she said she would let me know…

    So what I asking is how do I get my ex to see im everything she wanted me to be and that in ready for her now. How do I get her to move to my city and give it another go?I really think she’s the one for me.please send some advice….it’s her birthday this month

    It’s b

  23. Jeff 31 August 2011 at 2:37 pm Permalink

    Me and my ex broke up late July, it was somewhat of a mutual agreement. She said she just didn’t feel it anymore, that something changed. We weren’t the most exciting couple, we stayed in a lot but we usually enjoyed each others presence. We hardly ever argued, which kind of concerns me – it’s healthy to fight sometimes right? Or normal at least. After the breakup, we still spent some time together, we were still kissy and lovey dovey for about a week. She went on a vacation with a girlfriend, we texted and talked, she still told me she loved me and sent dirty messages a couple times. The day that she got back, we spent the night together at her place. We didn’t get too intimate but we kissed lots – but she did ask me “why are you like this? all over me, you know the situation.” So we still kissed, fell asleep.
    Next morning it was the same deal, kissing touching and all that, but she wouldnt “let me in”, and she stopped me and got out of bed because she says it didn’t feel right. Every since that morning its been downhill. I’ve had a couple of last kisses but that was forever ago.
    I got to the point where I was blowing up her phone with texts and all, I guess somewhat in denial of the breakup, and she was getting annoyed with it, said some harsh things to me and I can’t help but to feel hated by her. What happened???
    I’m starting this no contact thing today, I’m really hoping it works. I’m so worried she’s going to find someone else and then it’ll be too late. I’ve accepted the idea of not being with her anymore, but I still love her like crazy.
    A little about us, we were together for just shy of 3 years, we broke up a couple of times but they only lasted maybe a week tops. I know she was crazy for me back when we started dating, she’d never been with someone like me (I’m a sweet talker), she’s used to not being treated all so well – whereas I treat my lady like a queen. Anyways… any advice, tips, whatever would be great. Thanks.

  24. Kent 2 September 2011 at 6:50 am Permalink

    I broke up with my GF on saturday morning. She moved in with me about 3 months ago because she needed to save money.

    She never completely got over her ex and I finally ran out of patience. She had emailed her ex saying she missed him and wanted to some day prove her love to him. She felt horrible about it and said she’d work on it, but refused to stop talking to him. (she owes him money, he’s going to take her dog when he has room, ect….) About a month later I saw she was still talking to him. calling him after I’d go to sleep, trying to meet up with him while he was in town…. I didn’t say anything… I let it fester.

    We get along great and have a blast together. I know she loves me and I love her. She jumped in to this relationship too soon. She wasn’t looking for a boyfriend at all, but we really hit it off and haven’t looked back yet. The ex is definitely the thorn in our relationship and the cause of most the stress. How I deal with it is also the major cause of stress.

    Last Friday she went out with her friends. she called me before she went out at 9:00 and said she’d probably only have a couple drinks. and that she’d text me in about an hour and let me know how things are going. 12:30 comes around, I finally get a text saying hey and asking if i’m still up. I say yes… no response and then she shows up at 3:30 in the morning. It hurt my feelings and it was the last straw. apparent her cell died after she got my “yes.” also she tells me she was having fun, she forgot to call…. it’s not a big deal. It hurt a lot, but I’m sure I magnified it because of my other feelings. she also has a phone charger in her truck…

    I broke up with her. I reality I wish I would have just been able to tell her how much the ex bothers me and try to work on it. The minute I said the words I felt regret, but it was too late. A day later I wrote he a letter telling her how much I love her and that I’d like to work on it if she wanted to.

    She is very open and has no problem talking… but she said she’s definitely moving out. That she would have talked… but not after being dumped. She said shell be out by the end of sept.

    We’re still living together and we were able to have a nice, fun, mostly drama free night last night.

    I got invited to go camping and I figured It’d be good to clear my head… I told I’d be gone for the weekend and she responded “…Okay?????…”
    She seems fine with it now.

    So Friday – Monday I’ll have the ultimate No Contact. no cell service… nothing. No contact wasn’t my goal… but here I am.

    How do you think I should act when I get home? I’m thinking I’ll give her a big hug… let her know I missed her, and leave it at that. She knows I’d like to talk things out. I should never remind her of that, should I? I know I’ll miss her a ton. I’m sure she’ll miss me too. I don’t know if our relationship has any chance at this point… but I would like to at least try.

    • Ashley Kay 2 September 2011 at 7:54 am Permalink

      I think you should have a talk definitely. There is just too much unsaid and you’re going to be eaten up by it for a while until you get those issues out (the issue with her ex). I think a lot of it was her pushing you to break up with her too. Her behaviour reminds me of someone who is non-confrontational but will do other things to “disrespect” you and the relationship so you’re the one to crack.

      I’d still have a talk with her, get it all out and if she still wants to pursue her ex, then you just have to let her. It won’t get any better until she finds out whether the grass is better on the other side.

      • Kent 2 September 2011 at 12:49 pm Permalink

        Thank you very much for the reply, Ashley. Not sure if it’s the right decision or not, but I’m not going to bring anything up tonight. Unless she initiates. Today was the first day we didn’t text or call each other at all during work. She did call me this morning and she does have one more break at work. I hope we just have a good night/morning and then Ill take off until monday and get a feel for her mood. Im going to enjoy my damn weekend and clear my head. Wish me luck!

        • Kent 3 September 2011 at 12:53 pm Permalink

          Well, you can consider it a failure. Last night started off ok…. Then it spiraled into our worst night ever. Biggest thing I remember is her telling that” I hope you’re happy with your life.” She took our pictures down this morning. Took her tooth brush and some clothes and will be gone for the weekend… at least. Well, good news is, I am happy with my life. Bad news is that im constantly thinking about her today and feeling pretty depressed. I tried so hard and still had an epic fail. It has only been 10 months, but I really felt like she was the one. Sucks, but im still going camping tmrw morn, damnit.

  25. Leree 3 September 2011 at 12:24 am Permalink

    I broke up with my ex a month ago after I found out he was cheating,I tried to fix things with him but he told me he loved me but he doesn’t want a relationship with me (because I snooped around his things to find out if he was cheating). I have been in NC with him for the past two weeks (initiated by myself not that he has bothered to contact me or to find out about our child). Today I broke the NC because I needed information from him about our daughter as I was taking her to the doctor and I ended up telling him that I was ok with the break up , which to be honest I am and I have accepted that his relationship with our daughter will never be what I want it to be and that it’s up to him to decide what kind of relationship he wants with her, that I have forgiven him and that I am trying to built a life with my daughter. An hour later he calls me to find out how the visit to the doctor went but to my suprise I was so calm and collected and told him what he wanted to know nothing more. I was suprised that he even called, he hasn’t been interested in taking our child for visitation or even called to find out how she is doing and all of sudden he is interested after what I told him this morning? I want to continue with NC but how do I do that when we have a child together?

  26. cat 5 September 2011 at 2:24 pm Permalink

    I just recently separated from my husband and we have a 2 yr old son. He tries to avoid my calls and texts. He does text me only because of our son. I have caused damage in our marriage due to my insecurities. He will be paying for a place for our son and I but he seems so distant. I always thought we had a good relationship but he claims he does not love me anymore. he can be kind on the phone but now about us.
    I am sick to my stomach that its over and I have tried the no contact but its not easy when you have a child.

  27. JBR 5 September 2011 at 4:40 pm Permalink

    My now ex and I have been on and off for 5 years.. making this the second break up in those 5 years.. The reason things between he and I ended Is because I never officially got over the hurt from our past relationship.. So I kept finding reasons to argue and go through his personal things (i.e. phone and emails) We broke up about 5 months ago but in these 5 months we were sexually active and very affectionate toward one another.. about a week ago I complained about something I didnt like and he shut down. and a couple days later I look on a social network seeing his ex (before he and I started dating) imply that she was with him.. I really love him and want to work on being a better me and get over the past in order to have a great future with him.. but is it too late? have I lost my chances.. even tho he has told me he loved me recently? please help

    • Kent 6 September 2011 at 12:24 pm Permalink

      I don’t have an answer for you, but I feel your pain. I don’t understand how someone can say they love two people at once. Obviously they know they hurting both, right? I guess it’s not that simple. Just consentrate on bettinging yourself and the right thing will happen.

  28. brokenheartedmummy 7 September 2011 at 10:05 pm Permalink

    He’s not an ex, just a guy I met at work, we instantly connected, we flirted, he left work under stressful situation, the last day was aweful, he was angry and took it out on me, before that we flirted via text and phone.

    On that final day he sent me a text advising me he wasn’t interested and not to contact him.

    3 weeks after that I send him an apology card for my actions (still really don’t know what I’ve done wrong here but tell him the truth that no one else would) he didn’t respond.

    Since then he’s started a Facebook page, I only know this as he sent an email out to “everyone” apparently with the link and it’s got his nickname for me on there, all about love, loss and heartache. He misses his shorty etc…

    So after 8 weeks should I break the ice and send him a text to test the waters? Or should I just now let sleeping dogs lie, he wasn’t that into me, the situation was all wrong for us and just for me to move on?

    Any help and advise greatly appreciated.

  29. Heart Broken 8 September 2011 at 4:58 am Permalink

    I had been going with my ex for around 3 months, we met on a dating site spoke probably a month before meeting. When we met he had an issue with my weight and claimed that I had tick 9/10 boxes but the weight was an issue for him.

    I had resigned myself to the fact that we would not be together but a day or so after our last date he called to say that he had been thinking all day and he considers himself extremely lucky to have found someone like me. That if we are not allowing race and religion to come in between us we certainly shouldn’t allow weight to separate us.

    I have an issue with my weight and had been meaning to do something about it for some time but never found the courage to do it. He was very supportive and joined a slimming club with me took me to the gym and I started to make great improvements…

    The relationship blossomed I met his child and he met mine, we were very good together although I always questioned whether he was really happy with me because of the weight issue… I am of black origin and he is Caucasian, this was my very first biracial relationship and this also took me a while to get used to. You never know how truly prejudice people are until you start dating outside your race.

    He made me laugh all the time and I think he would share the same sentiments, but there were always niggling doubts, he suffers from depression and some erectile dysfunction which was also an issue for me but he is such a beautiful human being … I saw pass that, I figured we’d help each other through whatever life threw at us…
    We planned on going away on his annual family holiday to France, I did think it was way too soon to meet and stay with his entire family but it was important to him so I agreed. He also invited me to his sisters BBQ and I went, although I really felt it was way too early…

    I went, and really enjoyed myself; I had met his sister the previous day and thought she was great; it was her bday so I bought her the best orchid I had ever seen… Which I hoped she appreciated.
    At the BBQ I watched as he played with my son and his daughter and thought, I could spend the remainder of my life with this man…
    The day after as we sat in the park, I asked; Do you want to be with me and without hesitation he answered yes, more than anything…

    And I knew there and then I wanted to grow old with him, irrespective of all the odds, I wanted to wake up next to him every day for the remainder of my life…

    We started to do so much together hospital appointment PTA meetings, baking with the kids… It all felt so right, then the hazy dream was over and the nightmare kicked in.

    A few days after BBQ he called to say that his sister said that money and jewellery had gone missing and that she thought it was my brother’s girlfriend/ brother who took it. I was so upset, we were the only minorities at the BBQ and it was attended by at least over 3o guest…

    My ex was supportive and stood by my side but this got heated, I said a lot of hurtful things… I ended the relationship, claim to regret having met him etc…

    By the following day I felt so remorseful and apologised sincerely but by then I think it was too late as the weeks passed I watched him slip away from him. The walls became impossible to penetrate..

    In the end he broke it off, saying he was no longer happy and that it would be unfair for him to stay in a relationship that he wasn’t happy in. That he would no longer be able to give a 100%.
    That he loves me but he is just not happy… I have been trying to recover ever since…

    Days later I found out that I am expecting, he is still firm in his resolve, and I am feeling rather hopeless…

    What do I do? How do move forward?! I love him ever so much but he has completely shut me out, his sister has encouraged him to advise me to have an abortion… I am having a little boy, his first son and he has totally shut me out…

  30. Ashlay 11 September 2011 at 6:35 am Permalink

    I’m sorry if this is so long, but there is a bit of background info before the actual question.
    My ex and I were together for almost 2 years in a long distance relationship. There were points where I basically went & lived with him.We have gone through…just everything w/ each other. After May we just hit some real rough spots from accusations of cheating, abuse/physical fighting/stabbing, suicide attempts, &well yeah it got pretty bad. Staying at his house, well lets just say it closely resembled prison. (ex:peeing in cups, hiding in cupboard) & just felt so locked in there, yet I continued to stay/come back. I became mentally unstable b/c of him, having to keep everything to myself. In the midst of this, he proposed to me, saying he had been thinking about it for a while, regardless of all we were going through, he wanted to marry me. He told me to pick out a ring, I never did. One day, I broke down in front of close friends & this guy, who has been chasing and competed w/my boyfriend 2 years ago for me. The weird thing is, this guy is seriously in love with me & never gave up. He stepped in from that point on & we started seeing each other, but never had sex or anything like that, it was more of a mental comfort type thing. I started spending more time with him & realized the crush was still there on my part..I felt happiness I haden’t in quite a while. For a month or so I was left to choose between one of the other. Obviously, I chose to stay with my ex, this was just temptation, I loved my ex too much to hurt him.

    Well, about 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me. He didn’t really give a reason, & when I went to go pick my things up from his house a few days later, he was flip flopping, he was just SO confused. He said he didn’t want me, I was incapable of making him happy, then he said he loved me & getting back with me will make him happy. For the next few days our conversations went as such…him going back and forth with himself. He asked me to go to his house and hangout…I did, we talked. He was even more confusing than before. He looked me in the face and told me that he wanted me, I wouldn’t be there if he didn’t love me….he had one of my bras hanging up on his wall too which was odd…then he told me, not right now, he needed a break, he thought about this two months ago and spent that time coping the breakup before it happened… lets be friends. I left telling him, we cant be friends & there will be no contact.He PLEADED for me not to leave his life & asked what it would take for me not to leave his life.I left & went to ask the other guy out. We’ve been dating since. Not too long ago, during the 3 weeks I discovered my ex is dating some other girl. I was SO hurt, but realized I did the same thing. It was better that I give up& move on, even though I was still SO in love with my ex. I know I never stressed the fact that I love him but it’s not something I can gauge with words. My heart hurt and I was physically sick for 3 weeks, even after dating the other guy. My ex was on my mind 24/7….feelings have lessened.

    Now 2 weeks ago in the morning at 7am, I got a call, picked it up without realizing who & it was my ex. He said “I know you said no contact, but I was thinking so heavily about you last night & I just want to say I’m sorry-” I cut him of saying Enjoy your new girl, enjoy your new life. Bye.

    Then we started texting. He was obviously filled with regret& asking for me back, telling me that he wants me etc. I tried to stay neutral&& sound like I didn’t want anything more than to be friends, and if we were to have a future he’d need to grow up, I’d need to grow up. I told him maybe in the future we can possibly be friends. He said if we’re going to be friends I would pursue you. Then he said “I really really miss you. I’m selfish and I’m sorry that I left. I know you’re happier without me. Hell, I’d be happier without me. Love is a *****, never over.”
    Speechless, I kept implying that I didn’t believe a word he was saying,& I even said the engagement/marriage thing was bs, & he said no, he was serious. I said, all I want is for you to be happy, regardless of what it takes, and if that means me not being in your life, then so be it.(&I really meant it)He continued on to say that he needed me in his life….

    He would text me every once in a while, but I didn’t respond.
    I responded to a text a week later and he hasnt responded.
    I don’t know how to feel about this….should I just forget it?
    He was with his new chick while telling me all these things…

  31. Sosad 11 September 2011 at 11:52 am Permalink

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years began to withdraw a couple of months before saying to me that he wanted to be friends, that he couldn’t deal with the drama any longer, says he still loves me, has some personal stuff that is impacting our relationship, but that even tho he loves me, its different that he just can’t do it. Says we met too soon.
    The reason he left is that I was in an extremely abusive relationship where my son’s father really hurt me and is still causing havoc in my life. The divorce is closer to being over but the calls, texts, emails etc are constant and it is very hard to deal with the constant emotionally draining experiences that happen. My boyfriend was amazing and supportive and really stood by me but I had a hard time letting him intervene or be present with the negativity with my ex.
    Finally my boyfriend ended it and since has expressed alot of hurt and pain about what happened and our break up but is still very clear it is over. He has called or texted every day or so. I am raw and broken, I didn’t expect for him to abandon me or at the very least not share his feelings with me. It was a huge wakeup call that I needed to change how I was dealing with my son’s father but my boyfriend says its too late.
    Is there any hope? We both have said the happiest days of our life were together, is it really true that those moments weren’t enough?

  32. faiza 13 September 2011 at 5:15 pm Permalink

    i fall in love with my teacher who propose me first…after one month we meet and he kissed me but i was refusing to kiss me..he asked me why i should love him but how i reply when i dont now the reason,he asked me alot of questions but i couldn’t answer becoz it was our second meeting and i was feeling shy..whenever we meet he was giving me money..after some days he stop contacting with me.when i send massege he only reply wen i call he answer but he dont call me or send me massege..it was a nite i send to him a massege he replied and said when we meet tomorow what reward wil u give me?i said i wil give u a sweet reward that u wont forget,he replied and said wil u give me evrything?then i get soo confused that what he mean evrything.is this man want sex?i think too much,i asked him what he mean that..he replied and said ur sweet ur wise u can undrstand what i mean..i realised that my think is true all he want is sex i said to him that there is nothing sweeter than my love for u..after that he start abusing me and saying me let me slip am slipy so goodnite.i realy felt depressed and said to him am leting u free and its true i deeply love u but u wont undrstand me..after that i dind contact with him and also he dind..i really want him back to my life what i do to make him back….please help me

  33. greatlyconfused 16 September 2011 at 12:31 pm Permalink

    Ok so I NEED some help and some advice please….I wont give too much back ground history, but basically my ex boyfriend and I broke up in June and it was a nasty, nasty split. Well in the last 2 months or so we started to communicate again and it just became even more emotional, confusing, painful, etc…so after tons of research and several ebook purchases later I decided to implement no contact. So this past Satuday I sent my guy a text message that was as followed:

    “I’ve been thinking…I really believe that breaking up was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make & I need some time to think them over. I really would appreciate it if you would not contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.”

    He did not respond right away, but a few hours later he sent me a text message basically saying that he was confused why I suddenly didn’t want to talk to him. So then Sunday comes and goes and then Monday evening he called me, but did not leave me a message. Then moments later he sends me this:

    “I know you said you wanted time to think, but I did want to talk to you so I figured I would try to call. And I did want to talk to you last Thursday…I was just confused and more or less scared. The feeling I have and always had for you are really terrifying at times considering what all we’ve just been through. It’s all very hard to understand and deal with. I don’t know why you don’t want to talk to me now, but at the same time I suppose I can understand. If you’d like to chat for a minute I’ll be around for a little bit.’

    So per the no contact rule I did not respond even though I badly wanted too. Then Tuesday, the next day, rolls around and he tried calling me again and then again. I didn’t not answer nor called back. He did not leave a message either. Well yesterday (Wedneday) of course he was on my mind constantly and I began to wonder if he would be upset that I was ignoring him so I decided to send him a message just basically reaffirming that he doesn’t need to contact me during this time and that I still needed time to think. Of course he did not reply back. I tossed and turned all night and even dreaming about him so I woke up this morning feeling a great need to asking him something so this is how our text message convo went (carried on pretty much through out the entire day until now)

    (me) “I am curious though….what is it that you are wanting to talk about?”

    (him) “I don’t know, just about us.”

    (me) “Well what about us?”

    (him) “Everything”

    (me) “Yeah but did you have something specifically that you are wanting to say?”

    (him) ” Well I miss you”
    (him) “I don’t get a response?”

    (me) “I don’t know what to say…why the sudden change?”

    (him) “I never said I don;t miss you”

    (me) “Yeah I know, but I don’t think you ever really said so before now either. What do you want or what are your intentions? Maybe knowing that would aid me in my “thinking” process…”

    (him) “I don’t know and am still confused. I know how I feel for sure. I just don’t know what’s best.”
    (him) “I think that’s probably more or less why I wanted to talk….”

    (me) “well maybe we both should figure out what it is we want before talking further…”

    (him) “You don’t know what you want?”

    (me) ” No not really (of course I am screaming inside YOU, YOU, YOU!!!) I guess in part that has to do w/not knowing what it is you’re wanting or feeling….”

    (him) “Welll that’s been my problem too…”

    (me) “What has been your problem” –I was stalling I suppose

    (him) “Not knowing what you want or feel”

    (me) ” Oh..I really don’t know what to say. I’m confused too, but I am almost certain you know how I feel about you though. IDK…maybe we still shouldn’t talk until we know exactly what we want…”

    So he never responded back and of course I am beating myself up at this point where I couldnt even make though while at work. Found it sooo difficult to even concentrate. My guy knows how much of an emotional pull or force he has over me (at least I think he does) and we have some a strong and chemical connections like nothing I have ever experinced before. I am certain he feels the same, but our break up was sooo nasty and painful that I know I am upside down about it ( I am sure he is too), but I am crazy for him. I am terrified I messed this whole process up in us getting back together and starting over. So as I am leaving work and since this was eating me up so bad I decided to send this:

    (me) If you want to call I have a min

    So nothing….he didn;t call or message me. Nothing. 15-20 mins goes back which felt like an eternity…so what do I do send yet another message saying this

    (me) “Nevermind I am about to be over at a friends house so i guess we should just stick with what I said earlier. I’ll be in touch later”

    Of course I am still going crazy and am an emotional mess thinking and feeling like I have screwed this all up but now he is still quiet and can’t understand that if he wanted to talk so bad that he would call or say something, anything. So here I go again and send yet another message trying to get a response out of him…

    (me) “Have a question though…how come you’ve wanted to talk & suddenly the moment I said I had a min you don’t? I don’t understand”

    Ok so he is still not answering me when earlier he was responding straight away and even went as far has telling me that he missed me and no he’s ignoring me! Why is he doing this. So then an hour or so later I tried to call…NO ANSWER!! UGH!! Why is he torturing me? Is he just playing game? I thought maybe he really is just confused, but then I start thinking why go and say what you did and seek me out to talk to me and then nothing? So I have been crying and an emotional mess with up’s and downs feeling one way one mins and think something different the next.

    So I guess to get to my questions (I apologize for the long message/comment, felt I had to get most of it all out for you to understand)…have I screwed this up and did I mess up no contact and have to start all over? What do I do? How can I regain control (I was kind of doing well ignoring him and seemed to be getting better but then thought he would get mad that I was ignoring him) and get my guy back? What should I do from here on out? Ugh! I just wish someone was right here with me giving me a play by play everytime something happens and how I should be reacting. I have NEVER been like this with any other guy before. I am usually a very strong confident person, but now with him it’s nothing I have ever experinced before and this is why I know this is the guy for me even though we had some very difficult and painful time (which I wont go in to for now), but any and all help would be much appreciated it. I could go on with the questions, but I just want someone, anyone to tell me their thoughts and whether I have screwed this up in getting him to come back and to tell me exactly what I need to do now!!! Thank you!! And I am sorry that we are all here for very sad and painfull reasons for loosing a loved one!! We must still together and lean on strangers b/c I know my friends and family would not understand this and are telling me to run from him, but the heart want what the heart wants. Good luck to you all and I hope to hear from some one soon!

    *fyi while I was typing this my guys replied back saying “Hey sorry I’ve been busy for a while”

    Still need to know what to do!!! Should I keep the lines of communication open or just completely ignore? I was starting to feel like I was starting to get my emotions in check again after sending the empowering no contact message, but then with the emotional messages we shared today has me feeling weak again. Please help. Sorry I am going to end this here. Otherwise I will keep going and going.

    • Anne 20 September 2011 at 11:58 am Permalink

      I think you did pretty well in answering him up to the point where he stopped responsed and you tried to call him. It’s pretty much a push and pull game. My ex-bf did the same thing to me. Once they know they somehow got a hold of you, they will be reassured that they still have a chance and reverse back to their prior-scared mode. However, it could be that he truly was “busy.”

      Here’s my personal experience, if a guy isn’t willing to work out something with you as in initiate to finish the discussion (this could take days) but keep disappearing or avoiding it in many ways, then he isn’t ready to work it out with you.

      Keep the NC.

      Remember, you are the chooser, not the choosee. Keep a clear mind and think about whether he’s worth getting back. Some people show their true colors during these times.

      • greatlyconfused 20 September 2011 at 12:48 pm Permalink

        Oh Anne, you are my saving grace tonight!! I have been driving myself mad crazy!! (I am typically not this way, but for some reason he just has this force over me, which I can’t even put in to words)…Since writing this post we messaged back and forth a little more on Friday and he even told me that he still loved me and we shared some pretty sweet texts back and forth so we then we arranged to talk. He called Friday (of course he tried making excuses that he would try since he “was so busy” and all) but the conversation went well. We talked about catching up and then went in to “our relationship” and the mistakes we made so I decided to put a close to it and end the conversations (30 min long convo–he is a talker and lead most of the conversation) so I told him I would call him the next day and a few hours later he messages me “I wish we could have talked longer” Stupid me tried to play coy, but I still seemed to message him when I told myself over and over that I would not nor would I call him either. Well Saturday rolls by and here in the south College Football is a big deal so as our home to team was playing I sent him a very short message shouting for our team!! Nothing….So then yesterday, Sunday, he sends the following after I asked if he didn’t want to reply back back:

        (him) “Sorry had a bunch of people over for the game last night and they didn’t leave until really late”

        So I ended up sending him a long message telling him basically what I have told him in the past that I didn’t feel like it number one priority or number one person and that we shouldn’t talk any more (in short).

        So of course he failed to respond to this too!! I swear one minute it seems like we are getting somewhere and are starting to head for a new start, but then there always seem to be some excuse (which I greatly feel like they are just that, an excuse and complete lies)!! I just don’t know what to do or even how to feel sometimes. I know I love him and I know I miss him, and I even know I made some costly mistakes while we were together (not near as much as he did), but how much could really change if I am the only one changing?!! So this morning as I am getting ready for work he fed me yet another excuse…

        “Hey I got your messages. Sorry my phone has been dead (first off let me point out I know this can’t be true b/c he carries his phone around like it’s a pacifier). Having to stay at dad’s house while they are gone and forgot my charger at home. What all did you want to talk about?”

        I don’t get it!! Is it bad that I still don’t trust what he is saying? I know he cares about me and loves me b/c like I said before we had a nasty horrible breakup where I was the one running and pushing, but even then back in June I wasn’t quite ready to give up entirely and hoped he would chase me, stop me, something…of course he did not!! I don’t know!! It’s all really hard, confusing, and has been the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to with stand, but thank you Anne….I really appreciate your kind and supportive words. I haven’t responded to his last message this morning and I suppose I will keep it like that for a while. So I do want to ask, how long do I keep NC going when we have already been broken up since June and I guess technically this would be my 2nd official time to really apply it? Have I applied it correctly the 2nd go around? It’s it something I will just know by his actions and words? If you don’t mind me asking how did everything work out in your situation?

        • Anne 20 September 2011 at 6:45 pm Permalink

          You should keep NC until he wants to get back to you sincerely and ready to sit down and work it out properly with you. You can response to his message but keep it casually like a distant relative calling you. Keep a neutral mode. Don’t sound too eager or too distant. Ask him how he is doing like a normal friend. Let him contact you first. If he doesn’t reply to your message, don’t be too anxious to ask around for him but wait until he reply back. My ex took a week to reply back to me because he thought he already texted back and I was just ignoring him.

          Personal advice, don’t get too emotional as in getting angry or upset when mentioning the break-up. Don’t blame anyone or anything when it comes to the break up even if he’s the one at fault. It will drive him away.

          And hahaha, don’t worry, you aren’t the only one who didn’t get the ex’s texts back immediately.

        • Anne 20 September 2011 at 6:46 pm Permalink

          In my case, we were dating for 7 months and I went back to my country for a summer vacation for 2 months. We argued a lot before I left the country and 1 month after that because I admitted I was being very needy and a bit unreasonable. Mainly because I felt insecure because he suddenly got in contact with his previous ex-gf a lot and one of his old crushes back in the day suddenly walked back into his life and they clicked very well.

          One day, he told me that he wasn’t “ready” for a relationship and that he think I “deserve better.” In addition, he also developed feeling for the old crush so I initiated the break-up and told him to just pursue the other girl. A few days later, I asked him back but he refused (pretty much did all the mistakes, we shouldn’t have done). Was devastated for 2 weeks. I unfriended him on FB and did all I can to forget him. Found this website and followed the steps. It’s was a roller coaster. One day I thought I can live without him and the next day, I was super upset about the situation. Then I also found out that he went on a date with the old crush and they flirted publicly on his FB. I was pretty crushed and felt used.

          After talking to my dad, I sort of regain my emotion and decided to just focus on myself. Yeah, when you don’t chase love, it chases you. He started texting me randomly for really random excuse. One day, I thought I was over him and added him back on FB. I was really happy that I thought I’m over him. He texted me and said that he missed me and that he wanted to get back together. I told him that since I’m still in another country for another month, let’s just use this as a space to calm down and really think before doing any impulsive decision. He agreed.

          We didn’t talk for another week. He texted me first, asking how I was doing and stuff. We talked about our break-up. He gave me excuses and reasons on why he left me and blah blah blah. Since it’s my nature to make life easier to guys who have eyes for too many girls but saying “Choose the other girl, now you have one less girl to consider.” He got upset and it was heated. I was just tired of arguing with him so we talked again.

          Then one day, he asked for a date to see how things are going now for us when I get back to town. I was hesitated and finally agreed because he kept saying “i like you more.” Then I saw him showering a lot of care and attention to the other girl on FB while he didn’t even know what I had updated a few hours ago yet pretty much on top of whatever the other girl posted. It’s a bit silly. We got into arguments. He said that they were just friends but he still liked her as a potential lover and because both of them aren’t looking for relationships so he didn’t pursue her. I sort of pushed him a lot and he shut down. He told me to cancel the date. I was upset and glad at the same time because I honestly cannot allow myself to get back to somebody who don’t have eyes for me and me alone.

          Then I was annoyed of this heavy feeling in my heart so I talked to him again, saying that I was sorry for lashing out on him. We talked more and I finally got the true reason why he isn’t “ready” for a relationship and I finally got the problems out of his mouth. I can now say I understand why our relationship went bad. (I suspect this was the problem but he kept denying it before and only now he finally fed up with my pushy attitude that he said it out loud)

          I apologized for whatever bad things I did to him and said that we should hang out sometimes when I get back. Ending our last conversation that this was it. None of us is trying to patch things up. I also stated that if he ever decided to pursue the other girl, I would support him because I wish only happiness for him.

          Mind you, all the whole push-and-pull game about textings and failed to response and all the “sorry sth happened” were there during this whole thing.

        • Anne 20 September 2011 at 6:47 pm Permalink

          During those times, I got to think more about what I want in a relationship and whether he can bring it to me or am I just settled in a “comfortable” relationship. I realize that both of us contribute to the break up. I was being needy and he wasn’t “ready.”

          I realize that even if we get back now, the current me will still bring him misery with my insecurities and neediness. Right now, I’m doing my best to take my mind of him/getting back with him. I try to treat him casually and just pamper myself.

          After all, true love doesn’t just happen and always be there. It’s actually a high-quality love product coming from TWO people who treasure each other and BOTH try to work it out. I guess it’s an “advanced” level of love that not many people got to that point yet. And “true love” isn’t just a fixed label. It’s a life-time process to maintain it too. And you were right, if it’s just you who is doing the work, it will never work out. Basically two good people don’t mean they can be a good fit couple. They can be “bad-fitted” too.

          And trust is a whole process. Don’t worry if you find yourself unable to trust him right now. It’s natural.

          So right now, I’m focusing on myself and doing all I can to slowly start changing what I don’t like in myself, what I should improve. For my own sake. I start reading a lot about the art of loving yourself. I’m making plans to do things I have never done before ‘cuz I used to be scared or hated doing it.

          “If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken.”

          I’m not sure I still in love with him, considering that I have not seen him for a few months aside from some pictures and his activity on FB and some texts and chats with hatred for him. I don’t feel the butterfly when I see his pictures anymore.

          I listened to happy songs and one of them is “Haven’t met you yet” by Michael Buble and it lightens up my mood very much. Keeping hope that someday, I will meet someone who deserve my love, someone who can say “I’m glad you didn’t get back to your ex-bf.”

          I hope it helps. You can only change yourself. Why bother trying to change somebody else? When you inspire somebody, after all it’s THEIR decision to change.

          You don’t need a man to be happy. Only when you are happy with yourself and you can live without a man to make you happy, that’s when you will see that the path to happiness is actually only one thought away. Some people who rushed into relationship will then find that they hold onto those relationship for the wrong reasons.

          He was my first relationship so I didn’t know how to keep it. I let my own selfishness and naive thinking abuse the relationship and I lost it. That was my regret so I’m changing myself for the better so I will know how to treasure the next relationship.

          Just remember, you have to be the chooser, not the choosee. Don’t let yourself settle in any relationship because it’s safe and comfortable. Settle because you know it’s right and you choose it (not because you begs for sb to stay in it with you) I hope it helps.

          I’m proud to say: I’m a sucker for romance and I’m a happy single girl. The luckiest one in the universe. And you can be one too.

  34. Kris H 26 September 2011 at 3:52 pm Permalink

    Well me and my girlfriend were together for 1 year and 2months we had our ups and downs, she live with me and I lived with her the majority of our relationship, well oneday she decided to move back Into her moms because she missed her, then a few days later we decided to go to my brothers house, well there she thought everyone was talking bad about her, my brother did say some very hurtful things to her because he was drunk and high, then she broke down,and we left, she broke up with me on the ride home saying she is tired of my family, well aday later she found out overthr phone by a doctor that she could be paranoid schitzoprhenia , well a few days later we hung out and she acted like my girlfriend, and even talked about sex and how we needed to wear condoms, (she use to always say she did t know what she would do with out me even a few days before all this) and then the next day I found out she was talking to someone, and I was so hurt, because she told me she want talking to anyone, I really don’t think she is talking to him like that I believe what she says, I know she loves me well two days later I tried the no contact and it failed and I called her and I fustrated her and annoyed to where she would cut me off say Idont wan to be with you out loud. Well then then the next day I told her I wanted to talk to her in person as adults, and she said why? I tried to talk to you, talk about what? We are done I’m coming to get my stuff,. So I told her to come get some of her stuff now out of anger, and she did , I exchanged words and she seemed annoyed and I said do u love me and she Said yes, and she said she is attracted to me,we texted and she said I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I said ok, then said I won’t let you , she then told me yea, because we are t getting back together ( maybe out of rage) so idk if the NC rule will work I will try it, I know she loves me and I think she just wants me to do something with my life and not be a lazy bum, I recently had a interview and believe i got the job, her sister says she seems upset and that giving her space is the beat idea. Idk I’m just scared to lose her forever.help

  35. Acker 14 October 2011 at 3:14 pm Permalink

    I am aboslutely devastated. I met the perfect and dated for 6 years.. 3 years into we moved in together. she wanted to get married have kids, but one day during mrriage i mentioned a prenup. i hurt her deeply.. i didnt know what i was thinking. i was always shwoing her i was sorry, that i loved her in doing things for her and always being there for her. we lived together 3 more years, but she always had this sadness. she moved out yet we were still dating… and we broke up 10 days ago.. i learned today but i always knew this that she told a friend that she wnted to marry me but i didnt want that. bfore she moved out i had been paying for a ring and i proposed but she was so sad and cried, she didnt understand why i hadn’t done it so long ago. she moved out but we still dated and she said she needed to see if she could make it on her own. she would always mentioned that this house wasn’t her and that the home didnt feel like her place.
    words can not express how much i love her.. they can’t.. i irritated her last week becaus ei kept asking her if she loved me, (she usually responded yes)… anyways it was late and she broke it up.

    she hasn’t contacted me and everything i read has told me to give her space and just leave her alone..

    we go to the same librayr study group 3 days a week..2 days we go at differnet times.. and saturdays at the same time. same class but its a large group. i didnt go over a week ago, because i figured she needed her space..

    i dont know whether to go thsi saturday do my thing and leave.
    but i have left her alone.
    the relationship was almost 6 years.. i never treated her bad.. but she is hurt very very deep, i gave her the idea that money things were more important than her and although i express hwo deeply i loved her and nothing mattered to me, no objects more than her. she said she had to do this for herself.

    I am dying ins ide.. everyone says this will pass regardless of the outcome..but i know in my heart of hearst that i love her beyond anything describeable..

    do i give her space?

    6 years is a long time.. she doesnt call me.. she broke up with me.. does she miss me?

    i would help her with anything, because that would always bring a smile to my face..

    recently she had prayed to God in front o fme and told me how much she appreciaetd and was thankful for me.

    I am sooo confused..

    ;(

  36. tyler O 27 October 2011 at 7:23 am Permalink

    How do you get over the jealously and pain of your ex leaving you for someone else, and then getting back with them?

  37. Jan 12 November 2011 at 2:53 am Permalink

    My ex and I broke up last week. I want him back. I told him I wanted to be with him and he said he wanted to be with me. The next day he calls me to say he is seeing his ex. He wants to still see me but I won’t do it because he has moved on so fast. I am devastated. I think that NC only works on people you don’t want. I want to do NC but it is very hard. I know that I need to work on myself and that it is what I am currently doing, but I still want to communicate with him and get our relationship back.

  38. Sandra 15 November 2011 at 7:22 pm Permalink

    Hi Kat,
    I really really really need your advise, im lost and it seems that you have a way of understanding relationships, so i need your opinion.

    I was dating this guy for two months. We met and it was love at first sight. He was madly in love with me, and even his friends told me they had never seen him like that before, and i was for the first time in love with someone – over night literally.
    It was fantastic, until i went away for two weeks, during my time away we talked and txted then he suddenly stopped . I was feeling so hurt and betrayed that he would just ignore my txt and calls, so i stopped trying to contact him. He reached back to me and explained that he has a crazy family dynamic, some of his sibblings on drugs, and one was recently put in jail, so he apologized, telling me that this is who he is. He shuts down on people, and need his own time to straighten up his family life. I was the first person he contacted in over a week. I sympathized with him and thought felt really bad for being demanding of him while he was going through a though time. As soon as i got back with continued talking and txting like before, we even hungout, then he disapeared again. I didn’t want to be demanding because the family situation is taking a toll on him and he is very emotional. After another week with no contact, i told him i “needed to talk to him”, he avoided me and said he will call me later. He never called. I set up a date to talk to him, he never came forward. Maybe he was ashamed as he had told me in the past the longer he avoided me, the harder it was for him to come back to me because he felt so bad and didn’t think i would take him back. So soon after that i wrote to him a long meaningful message asking him about our relationship and that i couldn’t do it anymore, since he isn’t showing any interest. I had told him that i didn’t expect a reply, only because i didn’t want to pressure him to talk to me if he wasn’t ready, i wanted to give him space.
    He never replied.
    After being friends on facebook for two months, i couldn’t take seeing him all over my news feed, it hurt so much that he would be willing to hurt me like that, and never say goodbye. I sent him a last attempt to reach out to him, told him i missed him, after a few hours with no reply, i deleted him as a friend.
    It’s been four months since i wrote to him, and two months since i txted him. I miss him so much, my mind is playing tricks on me and my heart literally hurtss.

    I started dating to compensate for the loss, many many dates. none went anywhere because all i could think of was him. Now im in a better place, im seeing someone, he is nice, he is kind, he is handsome and although we get along fine, i want my “ex” back.

    I know he cared me very much , and so did I.
    Is there a chance to ever get him back? or am i just delusional?

    Thank you so much Kat for your help. S

  39. simone 18 November 2011 at 4:17 am Permalink

    what do you about the non contact when you have a child together

  40. Christina 22 November 2011 at 4:31 am Permalink

    I have had no contact at all with my Ex since he left me. He broke up with me over the phone leaving me with no real explanation and spoke to me in a tone completely devoid of compassion or emotion. 2 weeks later he drove to my house with his father and left my stuff outside (not sure why a 25 yr old needs to bring his Dad to do this). I have not heard from him since and it has been a little over a month. After he left my stuff outside I have not tried to contact him either out of fear of what he might say to me. It hurts me 24/7 not talking to him or seeing him and the way he ended things really damaged me. I want to say something to him but my friends tell me not to and that he is not worth it. I am so conflicted, no contact and no closure or understanding is the most painful feeling in the world. Not to mention I just lost my job so now I have loads of space for it to bother me even more.

  41. Scottman 26 November 2011 at 5:22 am Permalink

    Hey all, just broke up with my gf (she dumped me, said we weren’t as compatible as we thought, also we both have codependency issues). We’re also coworkers and sit like 15 feet from each other. No contact is going to be hard, but it seems like it’s what we have to do. This seems like a good place to communicate my journey, and offer support to others.

  42. MW 2 December 2011 at 7:49 am Permalink

    The short story is that the break up was entirely my fault – we were together for 1.5 years, I lied and although he loved me deeply, he said that he cannot love someone he can’t trust. The breakup was in September, no contact through October and he just re-established talking to me on MSN in Nov.

    He said a week after the breakup that he doesn’t mind being friends with me but that there is no chance that we will be back together again. He’s just started talking to me again and it’s friendly and laughing but I have to assume that he has already or is trying to move on at this point since it’s been 3 months.

    Different relationship guru’s and books and friends all have different advice at this stage. Clearly I still want him back and am willing to take the time and effort to regain his trust.

    Is it actually better to do no contact and let him miss me and initiate contact at his own pace? I don’t want to be that crazy ex who keeps bothering him until he labels me a stalker and stops even talking to me at all. But the risk is that as more time passes without contact between us, my presence in his life will just fade more and more.

    The other option is – since the breakup is because I lied, would it actually be better for me to keep in contact maybe once a week just sending him short messages to show that I’m trying my best and I truly care for him? Obviously I won’t be saying I love him I miss him but just small things to keep in touch and keep me in his life.

    I know there’s pros and cons to both ways but to guys, which would be better really? Thank you in advance!

    • Steve 4 December 2011 at 5:32 pm Permalink

      i am in the exact same situation except im the guy who has been dumped because she couldnt trust me :( This happened about 2 months ago and all i did was try win her back, tell her i’d do anything but she will have nothing to do with it. It even got to the point where we were out and both drunk and she attempted to punch me. I know this sounds crazy and stuff but i just cant give up, like why would someone show that much emotion of they didnt care? A week ago after texting each other just mean stuff i said i cant do this tough act anymore, clearly i love you so much and wanna be with you, and she said she wants to be friends she just needs space. I have officially started my no contact since that day and its so hard seeing her on facebook going out and having fun, when i dont know if she has any feelings at all for me, and if she really is just moving on. Should i just wait for her or are my chances literally 0%.

  43. KP 2 December 2011 at 5:30 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley!

    I have been reading the news and excellent advice on your site and you are nothing short of amazing!!!! I need advice on dealing with a HOT AND COLD ex boyfriend. we have been civil for the past month and over the last week, he was coming on strong i.e ( coming to see me at work and being flirtatious and asking about the family) He initiated this not me. He promised he would call over the weekend and come see me on Monday. I have not seen or heard from him since! The whole thing is weird. I never write these messages, but I would like your advice, and also wish to send you a longer message explaining things to tell me what to do ( the best route to take next)…

    Please Help me Ashley!!!
    Thanking you in Advance

  44. Jessie Nagler 3 December 2011 at 10:14 am Permalink

    I dated my ex boyfriend for 9 months before he broke up with me. It’s been about four months since we broke up and we do keep a decent amount of contact. He usually is the one to contact me first, and tends to keep conversations going. I’m now a freshman in college 8 hours away and he’s a freshman at a local community college. During Thanksgiving break, we hung out for like an hour and he wore the sweatshirt I got him for his birthday. He flirts with me a lot, but I don’t know what the purpose is. We’re 19 years old and if we somehow did get back together, it’d be a long distance relationship. Do you think we would even have a chance? Or should I not even bother? He never really gave me a good reaon for breaking up, and I don’t really know how to handle the situation. I do want to get back together with him, but I don’t think I can handle another spontaneous break-up. Please help :(

  45. CJ 5 December 2011 at 1:54 pm Permalink

    I’m hoping maybe you can provide me some insight on this. My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago but then remained in constant contact with me, even going to the extent of telling me that she loved me when ending phone conversations. I was still sleeping at her house (without any sex) and she was dropping hints of getting back together in what she would say. But a month after the breakup she said that it just wasn’t working and that we needed to not talk to each other…but she still wanted to do thanksgiving together — going to both of our families. We fought a lot before our relationship ended and we’ve fought a lot since we broke up. A week ago I got this sick feeling in my stomach and called her up after 3 days of not talking and asked if she’d been seeing this one guy she works with, but she insisted that they were just friends and that they talk. But the truth came out and she said that they had been seeing each other. The next morning she called me about a facebook status that I posted about starting a new chapter in my life, she was mad, thinking that I didn’t want her in that next chapter. I asked her to stop seeing this guy (I know, big mistake) and she flatly refused, said that nothing was going on besides just hanging out. Two days later I ran into some of the girls that she works with and they told me that they had heard from the guy that he had actually slept with my ex before thanksgiving. I freaked out and called her until she answered and she said that she was absolutely not sleeping with him, but she was pissed at me — even telling me that she hated me. The next morning she called me back to re-tell me that she was not sleeping with anyone. Last night I watched her daughter and when she brought her to me she acted like it was awkward to see me. This morning, I got a text from her saying thanks for watching her and wanting to know if I was going to watch her again next week. I didn’t respond to the text right away, but a couple hours later she showed up to my work to bring me the money for the phone bill (we’re on a family plan) but she definitely has other ways of getting the money to me and that awkwardness from last night was gone. Not sure what is going on at this point. When she broke up with me she said it was because she just needs to be single and figure herself out.

    Her daughter is not mine, but we started dating when she was about 6 months pregnant so I’ve been there since day 1. I can’t go straight no contact because of the baby and I only get to see her on saturday nights now when my ex is working. One other thing that I think is a factor here: her best friend died of an overdose about a month before we broke up and someone told her that I said I was sick of hearing her cry about it, that’s when she started confiding in this guy she’s been seeing. (Then again, apparently he’s the one who started the rumor about them having slept together). I do want her back and I’ve acted pathetically, doing everything that this site says I’m not supposed to do, yet she still stays in touch with me.

    Any thoughts? Can I get her back?

  46. Stephen 10 December 2011 at 3:18 am Permalink

    My girlfriend and I started dating in May of 2010 in which we met from her cousin who is also my best friend and whose family been living with for the past 2 years. She graduated from UCI and moved down her to complete a few classes and become an EMT. That summer after we began dating, I moved down to San Diego for the summer to work at a non-profit summer school program as a teacher. She made attempts to visit me during the summer but one weekend she completely blew up on me and began yelling at me in front of my friends which was off-putting after only 1 month and a half of dating so I ended things with her and continued with my job until it ended over summer. Weeks later we began hanging out and I started feeling completely comfortable around her again to which I said “I love you” for the first time and we began dating again, however word traveled to her family on her “crazy” incident. This kicked off my senior year of college to which I was a full time student and she was an EMT, yet we always made time for each other. The time came to visit her family, however I we got there incredibly late so I slept on her younger brothers bed while she slept on her own. That morning, I was met by her lawyer father who didn’t care much to talk to me along with sister who gave me stare down when I went in for a hug her and finally her brother who pulled a gun on me at the breakfast table as a means of intimidation. Any normal person would’ve ended things then and there but in that case I tried playing the exception. Then in December, I got to walk early for my graduation which she attended with my family who on the other hand, liked her. In fact, she surprised me with a cruise for a graduation present and would constantly say “your the love of my life”. As the new year began, I found myself not being appreciative towards her for all the things she did but I began feeling certain things a bit of disgust such as burping as hard and loud as she could. Towards the end of the school year I moved back to San Diego to teach at the non-profit again, and I also got back into contact with a few of my friends who were girls as I cut off 95% of those who didn’t want to befriend me for having a girlfriend and not giving all of my attention towards them. So when one of those girls asked if I had the same girlfriend, I said “no” and even though it was strictly platonic, I went about it in the completely wrong way. I realized it a day later but I did not want to lose her as a friend just like I’d lost so many others, so I kept up the lie. During this past summer while we were asleep, I discovered the next day that she had looked through my phone, saw those text and asked if I was cheating on her. I wasn’t but I could see where she was coming from so she broke up with me and told everyone what I had done (friends, family, co-workers). To an extent I felt liberated which she hadn’t spoken with me from mid July until mid August until I made the call to meet up and talk this out like adults. She blamed me for numerous problems I caused between the family regarding this incident and I accepted many of them. However, we began hanging out again, having sexual relations but told no one of this and I began feeling an intense feeling of regret for what I had done to her so I wanted to gain her trust back which she had ultimately lost. It became annoying at times when her friends or family would call right next to me and she would lie on where she was so I began asking if we where going to date again, so she said “in November”. to which I began growing impatient. One day I made the mistake of giving her an ultimatum of either we date now, or not at all to which she stated “she still hadn’t grieved the right way over summer about the break-up so we need to take a break”. I began feeling frustrated but 1 week had passed and I began to realize how bad of a boyfriend I was so I went to her house before she left for work with flowers and an apology saying “I know I don’t deserve a 2nd chance but I promise I won’t put you through the same problems we had before”. She said “I still need time and you should do the same”, so I said that was fine and that I wanted her to take that time. During those 3 weeks of the break I reflected on myself and realized I needed to change numerous things about myself and not take people like her for granted. I know they say if one’s personality is one way, they’ll act like that for the rest of their life and I knew this and I didn’t wanna be part of that statistic. However, after telling another friends girlfriend “she still loves me but doesn’t trust me” and that “shes noticed I’ve changed for the better but where was that during the relationship”, she sent me a text late night last Tuesday saying “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting and making you think I’d get back with you but I can’t, I hope we can still be friends”. I replied to her “I respect your decision but I am disappointed and hurt you would do this over text, I thought we would meet up but I guessed wrong. I respect your decision and hope you do well in your life”. Afterwards, I deleted her phone number as it was a reminder of her and found myself checking her Facebook every few minutes just to see how she was and I realized that was unhealthy and also a painful reminder so I deleted her as well. This past Friday, my best friend and I were getting ready for the gym in which she was there at the house, I knocked on her door and said “I hoped she was having a good day” and asked her some questions about some schools she was applying to making sure I did not mention “us” to annoy her in any way. She said the same to me asking how I was then she asked “why I deleted her from Facebook” to which I said “isn’t it obvious”? I wanted to tell her “I wasn’t being bitter but it hurt me just to see you” but I didn’t. The following Sunday (which was a few days ago) my best friend had told me he had bad news and that he found out she was seeing someone and it turned out to be her co-worker, the same one she carpools with which devastated me. I know how big of a part her family and friends are in her life and how they feel against me and I also know I don’t deserve a 2nd chance but is there anything I can do for myself to not keep obsessing over this? If she gave me a 2nd chance I would completely evaluate where my pitfalls came from by not making those same mistakes. I started back up at the gym and have begun work on my grad school essays along with hanging out with my friends to keep my mind off this but I can’t stop thinking about this. I miss and love her and have not text or called her to avoid driving her away but it seems she’s already moved on. Will she ever come back or is she finally over me. It seems like this is a rebound (but who am I to judge). I’ve been told to go on dates or hang out with other girls to see whats out there and I know there will almost always be someone better for me. I’ve also heard if I don’t act like I care as much or completely cut off ties she’ll come back. Anyways, this is my first post and I know this is a long story but I’d very much appreciate the advice because I really need it.

    • Stephen 10 December 2011 at 3:24 am Permalink

      A few nights ago was the night before thanksgiving (in my town, its a reunion night) with my high school class along with those at least 3 years older and younger than I and she was there with him. He was the guy I saw on her camera, also a partner EMT (it wasn’t the one I originally thought) putting his arm over her shoulders, rubbing it them and introducing him to my best friend. I feel terribly enraged, not sure what to do! Made no contact until this past weekend in which I said via text “Hey I just wanted to say that I still care for you but I’m not gonna call or text you anymore because you’ve obviously moved on. Good luck with everything in the future” to which she replied a day later “Don’t think that I don’t care about you. I still do. Good luck with your interview (PA school interview)”. I’ve never felt as calm or collected as I have in weeks since this happened but I still want the chance to not only win her back but to prove I made mistakes but I would do my ABSOLUTE best to rectify them.

  47. lisha 15 December 2011 at 10:46 am Permalink

    i was with my ex for five years he broke up november i just started no contact 2 weeks he hasnt got in touch i did do everything wrong begged pleaded, done stuff to get his atention, he told me he left his family dont approve he cheated last year i forgave him i done all i can for him , no that im in no contact im scred his moved on or just never comoing back he was firm telling me he would never get together plllzzz advice i am giving a brief bcuz i dont want to write along essay i have been faithfull 100 percent stuck by him in everthing the last time i did see him after begging him i acted like i was happy bcuz the times before i was a real messs plzz help would appreciate it xxxx

  48. Ari 16 December 2011 at 4:39 am Permalink

    I had a fight with my wife of 10 years. She called the cop(she was not hurt though). She put charges against me for threatening and slapping her. I was arrested. I realized my mistake next day when she sent someone to bail me out. (I had wrongly suspected her of cheating me.)
    She paid my bail money. Currently, she got my twins. She got CRO , prohibiting me to see them in school (they are first graders). I am allowed to call twice a week and see them once. It is hurting bad.
    Initially, I thought patching up for kids and my love for her. She won’t listen. She emailed two weeks back on my birthday. I got excited and emailed her back. She responded two of them and that is it. I am confused what she wants.
    Will NC work for me? We have been on less contact for 8 weeks now. (less == calling to talk to kids).
    Would you say I stop calling kids altogether. Will that help more?

  49. ingy 25 December 2011 at 3:08 am Permalink

    Hey guys I need some advice. Well I was with my boyfriend about 2 years. We had lots of things going on in our relationship but managed to stick together no matter what. Well we ended up having a precious baby boybbut after7 months of my son being born we both felt we had to split up because we both felt we didn’t love each other anymore. After a couple days of us splitting up I. Realized I had made a mistake because I wanted him bac but he still feels he don’t want to be with me anymore. Now there is this girl whom he likes and she likes him as well they hang out and everything but are not yet dating. I have spoken to him about what he wants and he just keeps saying he dosent want a relationship with anyone he just wants time to think and and decide who he wants in his life and what he wants to do. He’s very confused and just needs time. I have begged him even slept with him a couple of times and have cried over him a lot.he wants us to be friends but I keep getting hurt every time I find out he’s going to hang out with her and I just flip out on him making things worse. Well after a little I decided not to hangout or see him or talk to him for at least two weeks since I know in two weeks we have somewhere to go that we will see each other. Well we agreed on that but I’m so scared that he thinks I don’t care and then goes off running to that girl and falls for her more and more since they hang out a lot. What should I do? Do youguys think I have any chances yet?

  50. Mario 7 January 2012 at 1:21 pm Permalink

    So here’s my story.

    Almost exactly a year ago today is when I met her. At the time she was one of the instructors in this 7-week training course I was taking. My interest were almost immediate – she, being the older woman, and the ‘teacher’ instantly filled two of my secret fantasies. Of course she was sexy, fun and outgoing to boot. Anyways, fast-forward to the final weeks of the course…She gathered up the courage and called me …came to my hotel room and the fun began. At first we both agreed that this was a no strings attached relationship (even though after date 3 she told me she loved me lol) but after a few days we both new this was anything but a ‘no strings’ thing. Days turn into months and next thing you know almost a year has gone by and weve been in bliss most of that time. Admittingly, it was not your typical type of relationship– she lives 4 1/2 hours drive from me, she is 6 years older than me, she has two children whom Ive never met in our 11 months together (she says she doesnt want to introduce anyone new until she knows for sure he’s the one) and in her defense, I never showed her any desire to make that next step and meet the family. I was definitily the one in charge of the relationship ( the one who cares the least is the one in charge…or so they say) It was because of this lack of committment that she always sensed hesitation in me – which is what drove her away from me- and so finally, she breaks up with me.

    Then I find out that she has a new man in her life. Someone who, because of his job can only be with her 14 days and than away 14days. Someone who right off the bat wanted to meet the kids and be part of their lives (something I now realize was huge to her), she likes his take charge alpha male personality, and he has a lot more in common with her than I ever did. I found out that she has already met his family and parents. They spent new years together followed by a 4 day vacation at Niagara Falls with the kids, hes been staying her place since (its his 14 days off).

    Here’s the thing:
    before his 14days started with her I paid her a visit. I just called her and said we need to see each other one last time, and that a great relationship like ours deserved a proper ending face to face. I told her it was my closure. Really, i was just desperate, i was too afraid of losing her companionship, her love and attention and the intimacy and i said i wouldn’t take no for an anser. So after a 5 hour drive im with her again. Almost immediately we fall back into our old routine. Cuddling, flirting and genuinely enjoying each others company. I stay for the next 3 nights and im in bliss. Over this time she tells me she trully trully loves me, Im a great catch and a great person, shes hinting at introducing me to the kids etc… She even told me that shes terrified. When I ask why, she says, Im afraid im making the biggest mistake of my life (leaving me). Over the next few days we chat like normal and (her honest character) she decides to tell mr.new about whats happening and how she still has feeling for me and that she’s confused. He threatens to end their relationship and ‘poof’ thats all it took. She broke up with me almost immediately and has kept limited contact with me since ,although she wants us to be “good friends” (he’s staying with her for the next few days and contacting me while hes there is probably a foolish thing for her) but the days not getting her text or hearing her voice is just killing me. I keep thinking about “what are they doing right now” and “she hasn’t called so this means she’s already moved on and is over me.”

    ……I still love her, Im secretly pining for her and I daydream of the day were back to gether. He leaves for work again in about a week or so. My question is this… what should I do? Is there even a chance we could get back together? will NC work here or will it push her closer to him? Should I just let go and let them be happy? ….Im so confused. Im doing the best I can dealing with the break up and losing her but it gets really hard some times.

    Any advise would be appreciated. Sorry its a little long-winded.

  51. Nisha 10 January 2012 at 8:22 am Permalink

    Hello people

    I dont know where to start, I had one sore relationship in my life …..but i really thought that guy was not worth it and i moved on. this happend about 2 years back. I recently met a guy on the 17th Dec 2011 who was introduced by my collegue at office, The day i was suppose to meet him my car tyre bursted on the motorway. I saw this guy for the first time on the motorway…..He looked like a nice guy. Then we went and had lunch and spent the whole day with each other. He made me laugh like anything on the day one. A day later he sent me some flowers at office ..i was really blushing and i thought i really liked him at that stage….but i was always scared that he might get close and hurt me again in life. We then started going out every evening since 17th Dec 2011. I had a office party on thursday night thats was on 22nd Dec 2011 I requested this guy to drop me home bcoz i didnt wanted to drink and drive. I was a bit drunk but he was being nice to me and he dropped me home and we had a bit of a chat on that nite. but i think i baehaved bit stupid aswell…..as i was drunk. Next day we caught up and went to movies together and that nite he shared about his past life and he said he was in relationship with a girl for 5 years but she had an affair with a 40 year old man ..he got to know that so he dumped her for that reason. I told him about my past life too i said i loved someone who pretended to be single but he was married. but it lasted only for a year. On saturday 24/12/2011 – we caught at my collegues place for xmas ev party…he told me and his parents will be there. I met his parents and his mom even invited me to for xmas lunch…i was sober till his mom left and then i had couple of glasses of wine and i started talking in a high tone with his father ..nothing bad but i just said i wanted to the voice of animals and people shud treat all the soul alike etc etc. This guy convinced me and he dropped me home the next day morning. so i really didnt bother going to his place for lunch the next day. he didn’t call me eiether….i felt about talking ruce to his father so i wanted appologise. I sent heaps of txt msgs to this guy and requested him to convice his parents about us. on the 26th Dec 2011, I got a call from This guy and he said he managed to talk to his parents about me and he wanted me to go his place and meet his parents. I did go his place and applologised to his father. we then had dinner together and i came back home. On tuesday that was on the 27th Dec 2011. We started chatting on skype ….i have no clue why i kept on telling him that he is not passionate and etc etc….we dint have a fight but we were not very happy about the whole chatting stuff…..he then ended the conversation at nite and he didnt wanted to talk to that nite….i thought he might gtet better in the morning so i left him alone. Next day morning he didnt txt me so i called him on his cell phone and he told me me that he wants to break up. he didn’t give me any reason i tried to convince him over the phone but nothing worked. I then did the same mistake like every one i pleeded him and i said sorry for nothing …i tried to exdplain to him that this is just teething issues, i even went to his place to see him ..but he didnt bother to come out he sent his brother to asked me to leave him alone. I tried calling him million times since then no response waht so ever. I read about NO CONTACT RULE SOMEWHERE so i have started implementing it since last friday 6/01/2012, Seriously the whole relationship lasted only for a 10 days….but i just forget him ….i really really really love him. I know i have made few mistakes and i dint show my good qualities to him at all. Even thought its been only 10 days i feel that he is my Mr perfect. I really love him to bits and i want him back. All i want is a chance to talk to him once face to face. but unfortunately he is not picking my calls nor responding to my txt mesags. Please someone tell me what i shud do. This is killing I have already started smoking like mad ……which i never did before. PLEASE PEOPLE TELL ME HOW DO MAKE HIM TALK TO ME ONCE. JUST ONCE.

  52. Taig 12 January 2012 at 8:56 am Permalink

    I’ve just initiated… well, not No-Contact, but Low-Contact. My ex and I have been apart for over a year now, actually — I broke things off in October of 2010 when I was in the middle of a clinical depression, because I felt like I couldn’t be a good “me”, much less a good “us”, and the breakup was very messy and hurtful to her for various reasons.

    In February/March of 2011, I came out of my depression and realized I still loved her. In April we started talking again, and we went on a vacation in June which went wonderfully. All signs pointed to us getting back together again, although she said she wasn’t going to make any committments and needed time to think about things. She was sure, though, that things would turn out okay.

    In August 2011, she started dating someone else, who was “just sex”. I was semi-okay with this, but we did fight about it. I warned her it wouldn’t stay “just sex” but she was sure she could handle it. She couldn’t. They’re involved now, but she was constantly torn between this other person and me, having feelings for us both. She came back to see me again (we live far apart, while she and the other person live much closer) in December, and just left last week. When she left, she cried for hours, calling me from the airport, saying that she still loved me and we were meant to be together, and why was it so hard for her to admit it and just move to be with me?

    She’s been firm, though, that now is not the right time for us. She’s made plans to go to a psychologist and get help, because she feels miserable about herself and certain portions of her life. She says she loves me and knows that we would have an excellent life together, but she can’t “handle” a relationship right now — not with me, at least. The emotions are too strong, and she loves me too much to put me through her indecision and instability while she goes to the psychologist and tries to get things sorted out. She’s still seeing (for now, at least) the other person, although she’s not sure if she’ll continue and that also seems to be a wavering area of indecisiveness. The last I heard is that she wants to explore this other opportunity because she wants to see if I truly am her “one and only”, and if she can be happy without me. The way she talks, she doesn’t think she can be. She still constantly references “us” (me and her), still admits she loves me, just that she can’t handle things right now.

    It kills me, it really does. I suspect that she, like me a year or two ago, has developed depression. The symptoms (insomnia, lack of energy, lack of pleasure in life, feelings of ‘I haven’t accomplished/can’t accomplish anything’, memory problems, indecisiveness) are all very similar to what I had. And I, too, broke off the relationship to handle my depression, because I simply couldn’t be an “us”. The difference is that when I left, I didn’t see anyone else, because I knew I simply wasn’t in state for any relationship.

    So yeah… I’ve gone Low Contact. I wrote her a long email telling her my emotions and thoughts, and telling her I was blocking her on Gmail Chat (our normal way of communicating). I haven’t blocked her emails, and I haven’t blocked phonecalls. She has begged me to let her go and not wait for her, because (she says) she loves and respects me too much to make me wait when she doesn’t know how long it will take to sort things out in her head. I responded that I didn’t want to — I wanted to fight for us, for her — but if that was her wish, I’d try to respect it. So I won’t contact her, but I won’t stop her from contacting me.

    I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to “Low/No Contact”… so far it’s been incredibly hard (and I’m only on day #2). And I don’t want to get over her, quite honestly, because I know without a doubt that she still loves me, and I still love her. Whether she will, still, in a year or however long it takes to deal with her issues, that’s another story.

    But pretty much, I’m hoping that when I back off, she’ll realize what she’s missing in her life. Bad of me, perhaps. But maybe it will also help me move on, in case she simply doesn’t come back.

  53. amber m 21 January 2012 at 6:56 am Permalink

    I broke up wth my ex about a month and few weeks back and I hav kept da NC all ths time, when we we’re still 2geda I neva showed him that I love him because I was scared he wud liv me or take advantage of me. We dated and when ever we got in2 an argument I broke up with him I did ths twice and da second time it caused for us to brake up he sed I acted childish and he was right. I realised how much he realy did love me after he left me and I still love him when he broke it off I told him I never loved him during the relationship because I wanted to hurt him too 4 dumpin me and I wanted to act strong after trien to fix this deperatly , I love him and I want him back I know he loved me too but I pushed him away, I wana know if I still stand. A chance with him, do u think he still thinks about me???? And when I contact him wount he remind me that I said I neva loved him???

    • GeneV 3 February 2012 at 8:33 am Permalink

      Hi Amber m….you always have a chance. First..are you sure you are ready? People just dont forget past loves…it doesnt work that way. At this point slowly make an effort to contact him. Dont push too hard…make brief contact and simply let him know you still think of him..THATS IT. see what he does with that…then you can make the next move….basicly..think things out before you act on them…take yout time and by no means dont rush. good luck……stay confident and strong….

      • amber m 23 February 2012 at 6:26 pm Permalink

        @Gene V and thankx for your advice I’ll stay strong thank u so much, I hope everything workx out 4 da best,

      • amber m 23 April 2012 at 9:10 pm Permalink

        Hi Gene V. He finaly called me n he wants us 2 mit n talk. Wat I wana ask u is should I call him b4 this re-union or should I just not call him???

  54. Michael 27 January 2012 at 3:13 pm Permalink

    The best thing to do is to have “no contact. It will heal your heart gradually without delaying to hurt your heart all over again. You will feel better about yourself if you are further away from your ex. Trust me, if you want your ex to return back to you, then it is a very high risk for you to take since you will have a heartache all over again and again if both of you and ex do not mean it for each other. Good luck!

    • amber m 24 February 2012 at 2:45 am Permalink

      Michael healing is what I want most more than anything and if I heal durin the no contact period then I dnt need 2 get him bak. Thank u so much I hope I heal faster

      • Michael 24 February 2012 at 12:05 pm Permalink

        Oh..That is wonderful to hear from you…Let me know how you are doing in a couple of weeks and buy a few red roses for yourself..:)

        • amber m 23 April 2012 at 9:18 pm Permalink

          Micheal he called me, he wants us 2 meet and talk, what I wana know is should I contcat him b4 the re-union or should I js wait until we do meet?

          • Michael 24 April 2012 at 9:47 am Permalink

            Hello Amber!

            Remember you did heal your heart already so do not let your heart break up again with him since of your past “broken up” history with him. So just say hello to him on the phone, but I warn you if you meet him again then it would lead to a break up again now or in the hear future.. Trust me, you will find someone better than your ex in the near future. Please follow your heart and think twice carefully..First , you will have to make yourself happy before you meet someone again in the near future. Let me know how you are doing.

  55. Fred 10 February 2012 at 5:09 am Permalink

    My girlfriend called to break up right after Christmas. I was good with it.

    Then she came to my door to explain she wanted to work on herself and asked that I give her time and not to contact her. I never heard of this but said OK. Of course one week later it hits me………I miss her badly and realize how much I love her.

    Somehow we chat a few times on FB once ending badly and the last time ending well with her saying give me more time and I will have an answer for you. I had not seen her in 2 weeks at this point. The anticipation/fear/unknowingness kicked in. 3 hours sleep a night for 2 weeks then 3 weeks. Then I couldn’t take it so I texted her and asked if she was OK. She said yes but didn’t want to talk her life was great, bye. (more or less) I was hurt by not getting the answer she said she would give me but seemed to have already moved on.

    So 2 weeks later she says HI lets do a kids playdate and I will get back to you. I said sure but was also wondering if it could be just her and i for the first time. She said no then said she wanted to just come by and get her things….kids playdate was off. I was devasted again but said yes I would be there to give them to her. Remember now 1 month 3 hours sleep per night no more. Living each day like a double day of this.

    She came over and said she was trying to avoid this situation. (she knew the stages I figure, i was ignorant of them) I told her how I felt tearing up and pretty emotional but I wanted her to know that by not telling me an answer was mean spirited. THEN the next night I couldn’t help it but asked her to remove me from all her accounts for pick up of the kids because I was hurt and really felt she was gone so I made sure the fine details were completed….she told me not to write her amongst other things ……. I KNOW I BLEW IT but I had no control on what I was doing.

    The next day I texted that I was sorry, under extreme fatigue had no control of my actions the previous night and I won’t text her again. I knew nothing of these relationship tactics or teachings. So now, I plan on working more pills for sleep, having no contact for 3 weeks, getting to hell out of town so I can really let her go, get some social action going on, and write a letter basically saying; sorry, I have now let go and good bye lets be civil should we bump into each other.

    I am now leting her go since she said that is what she wanted where as before I was hanging on. We had our first meeting after the split way before I was ready and I see many mistakes I have made. I would love to tell you a happy ending but only time will tell.

    I think she has moved on but can now see how clearly she opened the door just a bit and I slammed it shut again.

    What do you think…… any hope left? Anything to try at this stage?

  56. Sisco 24 February 2012 at 11:48 pm Permalink

    Hey Kat,
    My recently separated from me about a week. We have been together for 6 years and married for 3 years. We met in highschool when we were 18. A few months back I started to wonder about what my life would be like if I ha not married so young and if I was single. It was the six year itch syndrome. I even developed a small crush on someone else. Around December my wife found out about my discontent about marriage when she read my diary. The problem is by the time she read the entries where I did not want to be married I had been over it.
    However, it still hurt her. Especially the idea I had a crush on someone else. She started speaking to a “friend” who commforted her through her greiving. I did tell her that the crush was a confusion on my part and that the person I had a crush on I now viewed as a friend. Plus, I had no intention of pursuing that crush anu further.
    School and work also got in the way of our relationship. I put my focus on that and neglected her. I regret it. I love her so much. Well she started developing the same feeelings I had about marriage soon after she read my journal. Also developed a crush on her friend. I tried to make things work but I could tell she was still hurt and a little distant. When I asked her if she was still hurt she said yes and proposed getting a separation.
    Knowing that killed me. I gave up. I thought it was too late and that we heading down this path of saparation and maybe even divorce. I know I should of done something, but I didn’t. A few weeks after she came to me and asked for a separation. At the time I agreed and later on freaked out. I love this woman I just lost sight of what was important.
    The day she moved out I asked her why she was being so cold and casual. She told me she had to be that way because nobody cared about her feelings. I told her I cared and that I wanted to be her man. I wanted to be the person she can confide in. I then asked her if there was someone else. She said yes. The “friend” was saying all the right things to her. And she told me they might be seeing eachother. She wasn’t sure. I did my best to not cry but eventually I did. We left on bad tems.
    A few days went by and she stopped by to pick up soome of her stuff for her studio apartment. I told her I didn’t like how our last conversation ended. She agreed. I told her that I supported her decision to want to separate. I agreed that this was something she needed. I told her that no matter what happens I’m there for her and I will always love her. It was actually a nice and calm conversation. I asked maybe we can get a cup of coffee in a couple weeks to a month. She said yes.
    It has been a week I have implemented a no contact policy like you said. I also read your blog on “what if my ex is with someone else?”
    I know I had my doubts about marriage but I still love her and would take her back. I already know what I would do differently. I have given serious thoughts to what I failed to do. I have learned so much. I’m working on putting my life back together. I will hopefully be landing a very good job in the next week and I’ve decided to give my time volunteering at a shelter as way to improve who I’am. I feel like I have truly learned something about my self.
    I’m still kind of in the slumps though. I wanted to know , based on the information, do you still think there is chance? We’ve been through so many things together and supported eachother for years. I would love to have a relationship with her again.

    • Difficult times 22 March 2012 at 7:23 am Permalink

      Yes, I am sure things will go well. Seems like you both need (needed) a bit of time to crystalise the thoughts, but once you both take your time, re-group the thoughts and can peacefully talk, I’m sure there’s a chance. Try understand each other.

      Communication is the key.

  57. melissa 27 February 2012 at 2:32 pm Permalink

    I’m going to make this as short as possible. I was with my Ex for 5 years. In 2009 my dad died and I shut down. Pushing people away. I finally broke and found an excuse to start a fight to make my boyfriend move out. It was very ugly too, he got mad and started throwing things and I called the police. Twice. About 3 days after this happened, he contacted me and we got together and went to dinner. We decided to try seeing each other but living apart. I would go to his house he would come to mine and this went on for a couple of months. Then he started “just staying at my house” for days on end. I didn’t think I was ready for that. It was almost like a rollercoaster. I have to mention too that he had a son, who after a couple of years just turned into a mean child, He would hit my son, he even bit him so hard he left teeth marks on his skin. ( My son was 11 and his son was 7 at the time this happened.) My ex never communicated, he would hint to things or at one point he wanted to move back in. Rather than talking to me about it. He just didn’t pay his rent and got mad because I didn’t ask him. I had no idea he didn’t pay his rent until I saw the eviction notice on his counter. Thats when he got mad and said said I thought you would ask me to move back in but I guess not. And left. We talked off and on that week. We had sex of course too. The next weekend came up was just this past superbowl weekend. He said he was going to his brothers to mess with his new ps3 on saturday and was going back over on Sunday to watch the game. I kinda got a weird feeling about this, so I sent him a text asking him if his brothers wife was trying to hook him up. He said “UR ate up, I’m not even going there. Later that night I was paying bills and I noticed my cell phone bill was higher than normal (he had a phone on my plan) When I looked at it to find out why There was one number in particular on his part of the bill. Tons of text messages and extremely long phone calls. They started on the 30th of January, and I looked at the bill on the 5th, so he hadn’t been talking to her long. But he was still with me and having sex with me. I called the number and a girl answered, ironically her name is the same as mine. Asked her if she was seeing my man, she said no, then she asked me who I was and I told her I was his girlfriend and her number was all over my bill. She finally admitted she had seen him on The 4th and the 5th. I went that night and got my phone back, and got the priviledge of reading the messages between the two. He spoke to me a couple of times calmly after that. He showed up at my house on the 12th at 2AM accusing me of following him, when in fact i was at work and really didn’t need to do so anyway because her address was on one of the text messages. He left, I went to his house to find out what was going on and why he really came to my house. The conversation got calm and of course within an hour we were in bed. I left feeling like crap. I went to talk to him the next day and again we talked calmly and he said he was afraid it would go back to the way it was 6 months ago. He has continued to see this girl. It has progressed very quickly, within 10 days of their first date, she spent the night. (Yes I stalked his house and watched when she left the next morning, he only lives about 2 mnutes from my house). Now they never leave each other, she is either at his house the whole weekend, they have actually already introduced their children into the relationship. Or he is at her house, I know this because in order to go to work at night I pass right by his house coming and going and he is never there. And again, I got the pleasure of seeing them at the local grocery store returning movies. I was cool and walked past them in the parking lot. The girl was staring me down, so I waved. She told him I flipped her off. She has been telling him I am having my friends text her and say mean things and that I have been burning her phone up with calls and text messages. Which I have not done either. I text her twice once to tell her that john and I were still sexually active and the next time to tell her to please and yes I said please stop telling him lies about me texting her. He told me he was not honest with her about me. I went to his house one more time today and tried to talk to him only to have him yell at me and tell me all the things I did to him. I do not have his new phone number and it seems by the looks of things and what he said, he is moving. (He got evicted for not paying his rent) I have decided to write him a letter telling him I have accepted the breakup and wish him the best, and that I am moving on with my life. and I have since come in contact with an old friend and they have invited me to their cabin for the weekend. I accepted. I told him to call me if he wanted. She is nothing like me. She is not attractive, and I’m not just saying that, she really isn’t. And he says she doesn’t control him, she lets him do whatever he wants. I didn’t really control anyone. I made suggestions and took control of situations that directly affected me. I never told him he couldn’t go out with his friends or anything like that. I did however have to control the money for 2 reasons. 1. I made more than he did and 2 he was terrible at it. If he had a dollar he would spend 2. I am now iniciating the NC rule. Seriously, should I worry about this new GF. HELP!!! I love him and want him back.

    • melissa 28 February 2012 at 2:17 am Permalink

      I need to add, he has changed his phone number because of the new G/F and I DO NOT have it. As I said also, he is moving and I am afraid that he is moving in with this new G/F. Even though he has only been seeing her for 3 weeks.

  58. sophie 19 March 2012 at 1:57 am Permalink

    i have been seeing a guy 10months now and all was going well for the first 6 months however he stopped asking me on dates and making plans with me. i broke up with him and told him i felt we must be just a sex thing and that we never did anything together. i didnt contact him for 2wks and then i made the mistake of asking him to talk cause i felt we had left things badly. we agreed to get back together without really discussing what we wanted out of the relationship and at first he was making an effort and reasured me it was more than sex, however after a few weeks i realised i was contacting him all the time as he became distant. i get the feeling i pushed him away by being too available. the last few dates it was like he was trying to start an arguement with me so he could finish it, i didnt rise to it and when we left each other things were tense and he didnt contact me for 2 week. i havent replied cause i feel it is pointless i feel i gave too much without allowing him to givie in return and now i think he has lost respect for me. so you think if i keep to NC he will make more of an effort??? we really do get on well and the chemistry is great but i dont know if he is ready to be with some one or even if i am. talk about confused lol

  59. Glenn 20 March 2012 at 12:59 pm Permalink

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago right after the breakup we immediately were at each others throats. A few weeks go by and we start to have meals together again things are going great she tells me she still wants to be with me but she doesn’t know. Another week goes by and I invite her over I had friends over so I figured she would like to show up. She tells me it’s not such a good idea and she doesn’t want to see me right now. I’m at a loss at this point. So it brings me to present day I find out she is at my local bar on St. Patties with another guy. Granted she knows I go there regularly and I recently got in touch with her friend to apologize about what has been happening. I get a text that night saying never message my friend again. So my question is why did she go from I still want to be with you to having this extreme anger. It has been over a month now and I wonder if NC is too late? Should I count my losses and continue on or is she just really confused and needs space? We lived together for a year and share a dog. If any of that info helps. She tells me it’s like I just figured out I love her I’m not sure what to do.

    • Glenn 20 March 2012 at 1:08 pm Permalink

      Oh yea she refuses to answer any text or phone calls. She’ll only contact me to tell me off or to randomly tell me something like I.E. a package is coming to your apartment.

  60. Difficult times 22 March 2012 at 8:08 am Permalink

    We have been in and out of the relationship in the last two months of our largely very happy 17 months journey. There has, however, been some major issue between us in early February, which made me want to walk away. I did, but he has appologised, saying he was extremely sorry and that he really wanted to change, if only I could give him a chance. We got back together, and even though we do share some happy moments, our relationship is not the same as before, and now little things quickly escalape into huge fights. Most of the time, we spend several hours after the fight, to talk things through (when we’ve calmed down) and each time seem to understand each other.

    But problems arise again and again, one after another. (not of the same kind, but seems they would just never end). The last two months have been extremely tough for me, as we seem to have been arguing all the time, and me being hurt most of the time (and him appologising).

    3 days ago we had another fight, followed up by a three hours peaceful talk of trying to resolve misunderstabdings, saying sorry and him promising he would never lie to me or hide anything from me again.

    The heartbreaking part was that only few hours after making the promise he lied again (about something not that terribly important (it seems to me), but yet I don’t understand the need to lie about anything in the first place) (particularly if that’s something he just promised he would not do).

    To cut the long story short, I am so confused, whether I could trust him and whether I should try againor let it go. I’ve adopted the NC rule for the last few days and to be honest, hadly ever felt so painfully miserable and sad.

    • sophie 22 March 2012 at 9:47 pm Permalink

      hi difficult times, i felt like that the first few days but persevered by the end of the week i picked myself up and decided to do something everyday that would put a smile on my face. i just concentrated on what made me feel happy before i was with him and did those things. i can say it took the focus of him and how he was doing, what he was thinking/feeling and put it back on me. i am 3 weeks into n/c he has text me after 10 days of n/c but i haven’t replied. i feel i’m getting myself back now and i am giving him time to work out how he feels. i need him to show me and i don’t think one text is enough for that so it will take time. i am going to get on living my life and if he man’s up and puts the effort in i might consider working things out.In your case i think if you stick with the n/c it can only be a good thing cause you will be able to get your emotions in check and then decide with a clear head if he has earned your trust back. I’m afraid that its just gonna take time. Best of luck and i hope you stay strong and he realises how stupid he has been. what ever happens remember you are the most important person in your life so look after yourself!

  61. Difficult times 23 March 2012 at 12:06 am Permalink

    Many thanks, Sophie, any form of support is now extremely precious!!!!! Hope things will work out for you too. Best wishes to you and keep leaving your life!!!!!!

  62. Markus 23 March 2012 at 8:58 am Permalink

    My girlfriend and i dated for over 4 years.. we started going together when we were both seventeen, and now we’re 21. The last few months of our relationship had been different, and somewhat rocky. She seemed a little frustrated with me, she being someone who is incredibly goal-oriented and driven, when I am less so (though it’s not an issue of me not having a job/going to school/having hobbies, etc) She had been speaking to me recently about needing to make some changes in her life; lessening her work load a bit, switching her major at school, etc and I helped her through those changes, we had been there for each other so much with full support for so long.. Had lived together for a year, and were both madly in love for one another. It hurt to be away from her for even just a day, even when things were rocky. Recently, she had been talking about a guy she met at work, and talking about him very often and with a lot of vim and vigor. The passion she exhibited was not the same when it came to me, it had lessened considerably. I’m not the jealous type, but it seemed to me that something was up, though she’d deny it and even laughed when I told her I had thought about it.

    Recently, we got to talking and she said she wanted a break, and when I left her apartment she called me just minutes later crying and said she needed me there again.. I returned (though I so wish I hadn’t), and consoled her, as I have always been there to do. A week went on like normal, and then she met me after work and broke off the relationship. A simple, 5 minute conversation, “I think I want to break up” and “I’ll talk to you later”. I was understanding of it.. though I had the impression we would talk again soon. I went NC for a week to give her time I thought she needed, but after nine days the pain became too much and I felt the need to contact her. She had gone pretty cold on me, told me she had been out for drinks the night before (uncharacteristic of her usual self.), and said I could meet her in a public place (opposed to her apartment) to get my things. I now see that this was probably not the right thing to do and I plan on continuing to go NC, but I have so many questions and I feel unvalidated and left in the cold.

    I just don’t feel like one 5 minute conversations does good to put away 4 1/2 years of the love and compassion we had for one another. I feel like someone who really cared for me would at least want to hear me out on how I feel about things, and I can’t stand playing these kind of games. We always talked about a future, living together again.. etc. I’m stuck in a rut, don’t know what to do. Just know this doesn’t feel right. It feels disrespectful that she would just try to shake me off like that, and at the same time I think maybe she’s just putting up a front. I want to know how she ACTUALLY feels, and I want to end the relationship on an HONEST note, just like it always has been. Even if she is with another guy, and even if ending it is the right decision, I just want the integrity of the relationship as I knew it to be intact.

  63. Discarded 24 March 2012 at 12:04 am Permalink

    … I feel very embarrassed contributing to this thread, with it’s failed relationships having lasted at least six months or a year on average. Whenever I used to try to explain my situation to others and how painful it’s been for me, I usually get brushed off and told things like (casually) “Oh, you’ll never see him again” or “So you just got to third base.” It wasn’t like that.

    He and I had an extremely intimate and honest relationship (emphasis on those words) … for a week (and we saw each other at first for three days in a row, then we had to go to our respective college/unis, then one last time which ended in him ending it the next day).

    We were so straightforward with each other that I was never afraid of what to say or what he thought of me, and it worked really well. We’re both quite nerdy so our conversations could cover just about anything. He made all of my little insecurities vanish. He ended it because he couldn’t get over his ex of four months and had to do so alone.

    Thing is, we’re both very similar in that neither of us are the types that just go around, have casual sex or anything (and we both discovered that in how we were towards each other). We care about the other person. She was his first girlfriend and he was in fact my first anything. The first guy to ever like me back. I have a hard time thinking that he already has a new girlfriend in the space of time that we haven’t seen each other. Also, I discovered that he did genuinely like me and wanted to hurt me as little as possible (hence why he ended it while it was still genuine and before he would start pretending), something that he told me himself and that he told his close friends, as well.

    Anyway, I went quiet, all the while hoping and hoping to hear from him. When I lost him, I lost a friend too. It was horrible, although when it ended we talked for ages and I tried to say everything I ever wanted to say just in case we really never saw each other again. I tried to make it obvious how horrible it would be if that happened, and I did tell him that I really liked him (but wasn’t “hopelessly in love or anything”) and he understood me. I was both relieved and even more heartbroken that the whole time he was just being as kind as he could.

    But then a month passed. Yep, I kept my mouth shut for a whole month. College was extremely difficult. Nobody really understood. I’d hoped I’d run into him by chance, but no. He was never at any of the parties hosted by our mutual friends. Although he was apparently at a party at my flat the day after it ended, but I wasn’t there because I’d gone back to see my mum for the weekend.

    Then, by complete chance, I saw him at a club. I thought I’d feel fine but I was literally shaking and couldn’t stop (I only get like that when I truly like someone). I failed to even speak to him – our avoidance of each other was so blatant that I even passed him on my way to the bar and he never bothered to talk to me. Yeah, it’s not like I’ve been terribly worried about him or anything! We texted. He never told me how he is or anything. When he was at the bar, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned around – only for it to be one of his friends, who then blethered away with me for we hadn’t seen each other in a while. I know that it was a plan for him to get his coat and get out of there. I just have the biggest hunch, because he was gone.

    I was so upset. I texted again, this time in the honest way that I am. I basically said that this silence is all surreal and should stop. He just seemed to … brush it all off as “we just happened to be at the same club.” And then assumed that I’d drunk a bit (I have been avoiding alcohol like the plague ever since it ended, I’m a lightweight and I’d most definitely cry my heart out or get angry).
    I snapped back, “Brrr! You’re wrong, I’m completely sober! The real question is what stage are you at! P.S. It is dragging on a bit, though.” to which was never replied to. He probably had a bit.

    Then some more time passed. Only this time, I wasn’t dead silent. And to my surprise, we seemed to have a pleasant ramble about Pokémon on a thread on facebook! That was the best it could be, huh!
    But then, that night, outside that very same club, he passed me … and then turned around to face me. We actually looked at each other from that distance, for a moment. I was completely frozen in surprise, and registering who it was as he had a cap on and was all dressed up. I couldn’t seem to force out that “hello” that was SCREAMING inside of me – I simply smiled a tiny smile and that itself might’ve been too late as he turned back and headed into the queue. He didn’t even stay the whole night at the club, when I tried to find him. He was gone. I missed my second chance to even hear his voice, and it was right there.

    I snapped.
    I snapped and I wrote what was essentially a letter over facebook chat, not begging to take me back, but making it clear that it’s been way too long and it hasn’t been awesome. That ended in “But I can’t fix all of this on my own, *name*. We need to talk. I think we have a good bit of catching up to do.” I was up until past five in the morning writing and checking it as I wrote it.

    Never responded to, but hopefully read. For crying out loud, all the avoiding had to stop. All the silence had to stop. How could we possibly go back to being friends if we never even meet face-to-face and get over that awkward hurdle together?! I tried to be as calm as I could this time, no snappy remarks or pretending to be way too happy. This was more like it. This was what was going to sort everything, I thought.

    But nothing happened. Ah, as I’m typing this I realise how I’ve probably done everything wrong. Yeah. Well, last weekend I realised I was running out of time. You see, I’m going on holiday on the 2nd of April, to Paris, a place I absolutely adore and I want to enjoy it without even thinking about this whole situation – or, even better, have closure to it. But this entire situation has been in the back of my head and never left me – it’s how I am with any sort of problem – I’m never truly happy until I know it’s sorted and everything is okay again. Another factor that says I’m running out of time is that while a ton of my friends are in uni, I’m just in a foundation course in an independent school and I got rejected by the uni. I might end up leaving the city if I get accepted by my other application. This is pretty serious.

    The thought of he and I never being friends again makes me feel sick, as does the thought of him having someone else now, if he does. I knew that he’d be distant if I ever heard from again after he ended it, which was why I talked to him for as long as I could and didn’t want to leave his room. I feared this. And it’s all come true.

    Last weekend I was at another last straw and decided to call him. I had to work up such a nerve to do it. And after ringing more than once, I got a text saying “I’m trying to catch up on my sleep, stop calling me.” Blunt. I replied that I just wanted to meet up with him, sounding as casual as possible, but afterward I pushed it and added a dig that I’d gone and sent something that wouldn’t be replied to again. He swore at me and told me I wasn’t going to get a reply, to paraphrase something that shocked me. I replied that today would just be good because I was headed to that same club again and it would be nice to not have another awkward “nothing-encounter.” No response. My flatmate was a big help to me this time, and that afternoon I tried one more time. Resulting in nothing, as expected, so I finally had to spell it out.
    “For goodness sake, *name*, I just want to be your friend.”
    To which he replied, as if I hadn’t been suffering, then just keep in touch with him like all of his other friends that aren’t in his course or from his building do, through fb or when we see each other. That all my messages and calls were “incessant” and “ridiculous.”

    I admit, they were. But it was frustrating that he was spelling out what I’d wanted from the start, which I didn’t want to have to spell out, and was trying to do if he hadn’t been avoiding me! Sheesh! It’s as if he’s going through something completely different from me, does he have any idea how worried I’ve been?

    I tried to get back one final time after my flatmate told me that I need to end it all, basically. But in hindsight it was really pointless.

    I see how much I’ve done already in just typing this. I must seem like the ex from hell, huh. I’m just an ex who cares a whole awful lot. I just want to know his side of everything and I’ve tried to look at all of this from a million different angles. I’ve come off as a total idiot when I can only really express myself through my speech, and so I’ve never really gotten through to him.

    I was actually planning on showing up at his flat on Saturday morning. Yes, really. It is essentially the final move I could do, but … yeah, I’d look like a nutter. When, unfortunately, I’m not.

    I think I’m going to go back into No Contact. OR, contact on threads if I have anything to contribute, as I did with Pokémon. I’ll probably have to go to Paris still not having heard from him, but it’s looking at it this way. It’s not letting go of your ex, it’s not worrying about a friend. So yeah, any opinions would be lovely, anyway.

    • Discarded 11 April 2012 at 5:24 am Permalink

      Funnily enough, I did go ahead and show up at his door the next day, with a result that was both satisfying and disappointing.
      He really didn’t see the silence between us as such a big deal as I did – more coincidental, unintentional. I was hilariously awkward, but still managed to convince him (surprisingly easily) that I’m not some crazy person who’s going to keep pestering him. I found myself making quite a few jokes at my own expense (it’s something I do when I’m nervous). And bringing a chocolate bar might’ve helped.
      But I felt so nervous. I just wanted to say whatever magic words would make everything go back to the way they were, and of course there are none. I didn’t even go inside his room – but then, that could be justified by his only having just gotten up. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel paranoid that there was something to be hidden in there. Really paranoid.
      But he was actually impressed that I made my way all the way to his door. A thought that … still makes me happy.

      I went on holiday. It was … okay.
      And here I am. I suppose I know a little more about where I stand. “We’ve always been cool.” That’s actually amazing. But. Yeah … It’s been two months and two weeks and really, I’d be lying if I said I felt “fine.” I’ve never felt “fine.” I want another chance.

    • Michael 31 May 2012 at 12:21 pm Permalink

      Get on with your life without letting your ex breaking up your heart into many pieces. Your head MESSED up terribly. Sometimes, love is not for everyone. You will meet someone new better!

  64. amber m 25 March 2012 at 5:45 am Permalink

    After 4 months of No Contact he finaly called me 2day , my heart almost stoped, iv bin waitin 4 ths moment 4 so long I even dreamt about it. Bt y do I feel like his not back 4 da right reasons? I dnt trust ths if a person rilly loves u how can they just 4get about u for 4months?

  65. E.C 26 March 2012 at 9:59 am Permalink

    HELP PLEASE, This is what has happended in the past week between me and my EX. We were friends with Benifits for about 2-3 weeks after our break up, and we are still techniqually FRIENDS.

    SATURDAY MARCH 17: She sends me a text: Lover. I don’t reply
    SUNDAY MARCH 18: I send her a text on skype: Lover.
    Her: no
    Me: =P
    Her: i hate you
    Me: how come
    Her: i just do bye
    Me: oki doki
    MONDAY MARCH 19: I stay home sick. No contact. She did NOT talk to Beru.
    TUESDAY MARCH 20: No contact. However, her, My Ex’s girl friend’s Boyfriend, and My Ex’s girl friend all stared at me when I walked onto campus. Beru walked past them and heard My Ex say, “Should I tell him, should I go do it?”
    My Ex’s girl friend and My Ex’s girl friend’s Boyfriend stared at me during lunch too. (My Exhad open third so she went home.)
    WEDNSDAY MARCH 21: I deffinately caught her looking at me during break. I walked over to Kevin and was talking to Nigel when I realized she was standing right there talking to Kevin and Josline. I briskly walked away. At lunch she went over to Kevin and the others again but left after a short time. After third period I was walking to the English building (hoping to catch her) but instead, she caught me, was walking towards me, holding her little paper character. I said it looked good with it’s new paint, she said she didn’t like it, I said it kind of reminded me of her mask. We were paused, standing next to each other, then she started to walk away, I accidently follwed her a step. She looked at me and I said, “er.. how are you?”
    “Good how are you?”
    “Good… bye,” I said as she walked away again.
    THURSDAY MARCH 22: No contact.
    FRIDAY MARCH 23: She looked at me once this morning from afar. She did again at break and looked away when I looked up at her. Then at lunch, ohohoho lunch. I was hanging out with that group mentioned earlier, and she looked at me a couple of times, however she seemed like she was pouting, really sad, hurt like. Then she walked with one of her friends over to were I would normally be hanging out (but I wasn’t because Beru, Chase, ect. went to the food fair) She FOR SURE was looking at me from over there. Then she returned to her group of friends. I then walked off to the food fair, and I am pretty sure she saw me go. While at the food fair, just tailing Beru around, I noticed that Miranda was walking towards the food fair with that same friend. Her friend went into the food fair and she stood by watching the band. Her friend walked back to her and they watched the band for a few moments. I walked up behind her and commented on her hat and tapped it playfully (“well that’s a colorful hat to bright up this gloomy day”) When I did i could tell I startled her a little and she hit my stomach and said “Go away!” but it was playfully and she was smiling. she then walked off, her friend going with her. My Girlfriend (aka Ex) looked back once and then snapped her head forward.
    Later, when my group of friends left the food fair, we walked by her group of friends. Our eyes met as i passed. She looked at me… with an expression as if she was soooo hurt, and soooo depressed, she they just sadly turned away from me.
    So after blaming myself for nothing in particular the entire third period, I walked over to her locker and she saw me coming, it looked like her face, was happy, sad, then back to straight. I said “hi, she said it too, she had some trouble with her locker so I tried helping a lil (“I can do it Evan!” playfullish with may a tiny bit of annoyance) then we just kinda stood there for a second, and she not once looked in my eyes. There was just an awkward “how are you” quick convo, then she said, “…bye!” and walked off as I was just like “…alright”
    SATURDAY MARCH 24: In the morning I texted her
    “are you ok?”
    “yes y?”
    “Just making sure”
    Later I skyped her and we talked very briefly for about 3 minutes. One of the only things she said initially was” So… do you have another girlfriend yet?”
    “Noooo, do you have another boyfriend yet?”
    “Not yet.”
    “Why do you careee?”
    I think she daid something like, “just wondering.”
    Shortly after that she said, “I think im gonna go now.” However she did not go until I said. “Alright, bye.”

  66. sophie 31 March 2012 at 8:56 pm Permalink

    he called me yesterday from a new work phone and i answered not knowing it was him. he was general chit chatting as if we only spoke a few days ago. he was just doing his usual telling me he was working on the continent this week and i was like good 4 u that he got some work. to be honest i dont know why he felt the need to tell me when i havent spoke to him in a month. like he rings me from abroad and he cant ring when hes at home lol then he went on to tell me i was at a funeral and he didnt go to it cause he didnt know the person well, as if i expected him to be there! I didnt really get to find out why he rang as we got cut off and i havent rang him back…i just annoyed at how arrogant he was assuming i expected him to be at the funeral im beginning to think im better off without him i have been having a great month without him and i havent even wondered what he was getting up to.

  67. Amber 6 April 2012 at 2:37 am Permalink

    Now someone please help me out. My ex dumped me. We tried to be friends but he said he doesn’t want any contat. Blocked me from facebook, email, cell number, everything. Flat out told me to my face he never wants to talk to me again. We worked together. For over a year when we saw each other, we didn’t talk or acknowledge each other. Now all of a sudden HE(not me) is acting unusually friendly. Every time he sees me now he says hi and ask how I’m doing. When I told a neutral friend that I was graduating he was overly happy for me(even our mutual friend thought he was strange). I’m thinking 1. Why are you contacting me after you wanted ME not to bother YOU. 2. Why are you asking how I’m doing? You don’t care. 3. Why are you happy I’m graduating college? You didn’t care the year and a half I was working to get it.

    • Michael 25 April 2012 at 4:05 am Permalink

      Just ignore him since he DUMPED you! You have to heal your heart gradually. You will be happy after healing your heart in a few months. Get on with your life and find someone who will treat you better than your ex. Good luck!

      • Amber 25 April 2012 at 6:23 am Permalink

        It gets better. I live with my parents and 1 of them wants to kick me out of the house. So I’m looking for a new place to live. He suggests(without me even askin g him) for me to live next door to him because its cheap. He started giving me all this advice and suggestions on random things. He laughs and jokes with me. He constantly ask me about my personal life. I’m partial creeped out

  68. sophie 11 April 2012 at 7:19 am Permalink

    he got back from the his trip sat nite and rang me to see where he stood saying i didnt answer his text. i just said i presumed we were finished i decide to get on with my own life…i said u didnt seem too interested. he said i am interested i thought u werent and i replied i was but after our disastrous date and not hearing from him for 2 weeks i had to rethink…i left him none the wiser as to whether or not i was interested still so he asked if we could be friends to which i said i have to go now but maybe we can talk another time. so i am feeling more confident now that i havent made too big a mistakes that cant be fixed :-)

  69. Rashmi 12 April 2012 at 6:25 pm Permalink

    I’ve been on no contact with my guy for 3 weeks now. Yesterday there was a huge tsunami commotion here because of the Indonesian earth quake and there were tsunami warnings issued all over the island. My guy was actually in one of the high risk zones at the time. I knew because he travels quite frequently to those locations for work . So I broke no contact to check where he was and if he was okay. Obviously I couldnt just ignore him at that point! Anyway I kept the conversation very brief [not too friendly] and asked if he was okay and he was trying to be very friendly too. He was seemed happy that I called. He later dropped a text when he was nearing home, which was kinda nice. I didnt go to reply because I didnt want to seem as if I was making excuses to resume contacts with him. Anyway I’m on NC again. I thought I was doing okay till now but speaking to him kind of brought back a lot of feelings I had put away, I guess I need more time to heal. Thats the good thing abt NC it actually helps to keep your emotions in check. Also when my ex and I ended things, there was a lot of negative emotions flying around and I walked away hurt..Since then he’s had time to get his emotions under control too, he was warm and positive. I know the conversation was not worth over analyzing but it definitely was an improvement. I’m glad I used logic to deal with the situation instead of emotions. I’m a bit lost as to where to go from here but I think I’m just going to follow my head instead of jumping the gun.

  70. ken 13 April 2012 at 2:01 am Permalink

    I cheated on my girl friend. It was a one time thing and it happenned a month before she found out by reading my text messages. I felt terrible and never saw the one I cheated with again. My ex we have spent 2 days together in the first month we broke up and they were awesome, holding hands, kissing, making out. We went and saw her dad in the hospital the first day. @ weeks later it was the same we watched her grandaughter together, I had supper with her kids and everything was awesome. we talked every morning after that for 5 days. I went to surprise her and she called when I was on the way and told me she couldn’t see me to busy with work. The next day she called and said I can’t get th pictures out of my head and don’t know if you would cheat again. I told her it would never happen again and I am sorry. She said that I didnt give her enough time. I told her I would leave her alone and work on myself.
    The next day was Easter and she called my daughter and talked to her for 15 min and I texted her thanks that it meant alot to my daughter and I know she didnt have to do that but thanks. She texted back right away ANYTIME. I have not contacted her since 5 days how long should I keep it up and I know she will talk to me but am I doing the right thing. I love her so much and wanna grow old together.
    We are 48 yrs old and have been going out for 4 months. Let me know what I should do.

  71. Yoki 16 April 2012 at 11:10 pm Permalink

    Hi I need help and advice on cutting contact …. 3 months of no contact being broken because he called for returning something and I collapsed right away . I realized finally I did no contact not to dealing with breaking up but avoiding it . In my mind I so want to keep our good memories and good words instead of his cold uncaring voice . And I don’t want to hear about his new girlfriend . I still can’t control ruminating thoughts … And we broke up for 7 months already whole I still feel in hell and he moves on … Please help ..

    • sophie 17 April 2012 at 10:30 pm Permalink

      yoki,
      try and figure out what went wrong with the relationship and then you will know what area’s of your life you need to work on it will take the focus off him and maybe jog ur memory as to what attracted him to u in the first place. maybe when he see’s the happy fun loving girl that is confident in herself and doesnt need him to be happy it will take the pressure of him and he will want to get back with you…hope all works out for you.

  72. Chris 18 April 2012 at 1:54 am Permalink

    hey i just want to ask one quick question. u say have no contact with your ex for a bit of time.. what i don’t understand is that if yous ant talking wont your ex that your trying to get back have more and more time to get more and more over with you and move on.?

  73. LiLi 21 April 2012 at 3:46 am Permalink

    Hi, just wondering if anyone can provide some help/support, I feel like doing something really stupid! My boyfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me almost a week ago and I still haven’t stopped crying. He had been living with me and my parents but literally took all of his belongings and went. We had been arguing over stupid, petty things for months, but I think it was mainly my fault. I’m quite a jealous person, I over-think things, also keep losing jobs so made it hard for us to have a future (we wanted to move out, but obviously couldn’t do that with me not working). He works nights, and I think the fact that we were both sitting up in my bedroom all day every day, just made us start to resent each other. I was due to start a new job the day after he left me, but couldn’t even bring myself to go as I haven’t eaten, slept, and basically feel s**t and have fainted a few times. I did the usual thing of begging him not to leave, saying I will change and how sorry I am, even threatened to kill myself (bad move I know). But now I seriously feel suicidal. I sent him text after text asking him to take me back and he replied telling me to “stop texting, he knows I don’t want to lose him but I’m not doing myself any favours with the constant texting, he doesn’t want to get my hopes up but give him some time and he will speak to me soon”. I didn’t reply, but later on he sent another text saying “good luck with the new job xx” I sent a couple more texts the following night and got no reply. I’m now into my 2nd day of No Contact. I have honestly learnt my lessons and realised what’s important in a relationship and that you have to let the small things go. I just want him back and I want to prove to him that I am trying to be a better person, for myself aswell as for him. I know he is the man for me, I have never felt like this about anyone before (I’m 25, this was my 4th long term relationship). Shall I just continue with NC and hope he misses me? I’m just scared he wll forget me and move on. Please help. I know things will get better but I want him back and will do whatever it takes. Does it sound like I have any hope at all? Thank you so much x

    • Phil 5 May 2012 at 4:58 am Permalink

      You should go NC immediately. This is the time to get back to being the YOU that you were before you two met. By all means, get back to that job!! Start eating again, and take time out to relax just for you.

      Last but most definitely not least, never consider suicide under any circumstances and certainly NOT over somebody that can walk away from you coldly. You have a lot going for you, whether you believe it or not, it’s time to let your OWN potential shine through. Leave the drama in your rearview and keep on pushing!!

      • Michael 31 May 2012 at 12:23 pm Permalink

        Phil is CORRECT! Get on with your life! Plenty of fishes in the huge ocean for you. Good luck!

  74. amber m 24 April 2012 at 12:20 am Permalink

    My ex called me after 4 months of No contact n he said 4 evrything that hapend meaning the breakup he blames me 4 I didn’t reply, n he sed he wants us 2 mit and talk n he’ll let me know when we can get together. I would like to know if I should call him before our re-union or just ignore him until we meet?

  75. Confused Situation 24 April 2012 at 7:00 pm Permalink

    I’m in a bit of a situation now. You see, my ex and I broke up about a month plus ago. And through out the first 2 weeks, we ignored each other. Then during the third week, she tried talking, I just kept quiet. During the forth week, I tried to talk, she ignored. And then the following weeks, we’ve gone back to talking to each other without much problems at all. Went back to something being friends. But for me, I’m still heart broken and putting on that kind of face just for show is not as simple as it really is. I get into lots of mood swings lately and I’m a guy. I don’t know if I still stand a chance anymore, cause we have really gone back to somewhat normal conversation. And the thing is, I see her everyday, so it’s something I can not get off my mind. What does this situation mean and what do I do? Thanks in advance.

  76. sophie 26 April 2012 at 9:45 pm Permalink

    he came round on fri nite and we finally had a good talk and cleared the air now we both no where we stand and what we want so we got back together. He has been so attentive since. im so happy!

    • Michael 27 April 2012 at 2:04 am Permalink

      Well, trust me, you will collapse again one day because getting back together once or twice does not work that way. That is your high risk choice. Good luck!

  77. Prince 28 May 2012 at 8:40 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    My gf broke for the 1st time with me 2 weeks ago after a strong relationship of 3 years. she is very angry with me. She has ignored my frequent calls in the 1st week of our breakup, and she is not even checking up her mails. This month, I didnt support well when she needed it during her father’s sickness. I asked for some help from our mutual friend, to whom she told that this is a permanent breakup and I should not irritate her via calls. I havent called her since last week.

    Tomorrow is her last exam. She would be expecting me tomorrow that I’ll meet her after her exam. She will be with her friends who always talk against me, being jealous of our strong-long relationship. What shall I do ? I mean, shall I talk to her tomorrow….but I am afraid that she will burst out all her anger again. I want to see her once, but shall I talk to her this time ? Or shall I follow the No-contact rule ? How ? Please Help Mam.

    • Michael 31 May 2012 at 12:26 pm Permalink

      You think toooo much..Forget her! Go on with your life without worrying about whether she wants you or not. Believe me, there are million fishes in the huge ocean for you! Good luck!

  78. Vaibhav 1 June 2012 at 4:55 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    I am 26 years old and I was in a beautiful relationship with my ex (aged 24 years) till september last year. She was the one who had approached me and we hit it off instantly. Everything was great and became quite possesive about each other in no time. So much so that she was the one who intitated that we should get married.
    Even I was quite enthusiast about it. I was in process of buying my new house and told her that I will tell my folks as soon as the deal is sealed. I have to agree that I got quite busy in that at times.
    I also had my own business and sometimes would get quite busy but we would always see eachother daily as we worked in the same office.
    Six months into the relationship, she quit the company and went to her distant cousin’s place for a short vacation. Her cousin and her had a thing for eachother (she told me later). He (he was 22) proposed her for marriage and she accepted as she her attraction for me had gone down coz of my busy schedule.
    She came back and played that game that we should take some time off the relationship and stuff. Finally, without any creating any major problems I initiated the break-up without confronting her.
    I maintained a no-contact rule with her for sometime during the time she was already dating that guy. In couple of months, she broke up with him (dunno the reason was long distance or they didn’t hit it off).
    After she broke up she insisted that we should be friends. Initially I rejected but then later accepted as I thought that was the best wayto get close to her.
    I started having fun, focused my attention on myself. Lost weight made myself attractive, removed all negative flaws from my life. She too noticed the change and admired me for it. I also created a fake facebook profile of a girl (and started flirting with her to make her jealous) and surprisingly with many other girls (which I learnt from your program).
    I could notice that as we would speak on gtalk or sms sometimes.
    Some months back she started dating some other guy. and couple of days back she removed me from facebook and gtalk. I dont know the reason behind it (but I fell she was falling for me and she didn’t wanted her emotions get over her. I might be wrong here).
    I wanna know what I should do now. I was planning to buy your product in a day or two. Please help me. Kind regards

  79. alexandra 10 June 2012 at 4:33 am Permalink

    I really need some advice
    I been seeing my ex for 3 months everything was fine we had that sparkle than he just stoped replying to my texts even if he did would take him hours when I asked what happened. He sad that we need a break and he’s not interested in me anymore but he wouldn’t mind staying friendswith benefits I want him back bad an don’t know what to do everyone saying he’s not worth it but I really love him. Anything advice?

    • artie3290 22 July 2012 at 8:55 am Permalink

      It kind of seems like we are in similar situations, in a way. My ex and I only dated for about 1.5 months, and I definitely felt that sparkle, but since the ‘break’ he takes a lot longer to respond to messages, or just doesn’t respond at all. He called it a break, refuses to call it a breakup, and is saying he just doesn’t wanna be in a relationship. That’s he’s afraid to fall and get hurt basically.
      When it comes to fwb, I’ve personally done it twice and both ideas it was a bad idea. I don’t think I should do it with this guy, and the main reason is because I want him to see me as more than that. I want the potential to still be there, and I’m worried that will ruin it.
      Since I don’t know every single detail about your situation, the best thing I can suggest it to give him the space. I know you love him, believe me, I absolutely understand those feelings, but it sounds like he’s decided what he wants. Maybe giving him space, going no contact, would be good. Not only would it gave you space away from him, because no doubt these events hurt, but it would also give him time to figure things out. And despite whether or not things will work out in the future, I think taking time for yourself is the best thing you could do.
      I know its all easier said than done, believe me I’m trying to figure it out myself, but i think we’ll both be happier in the long run. I hope this helps :)

  80. Robert 12 June 2012 at 4:08 pm Permalink

    I’m looking for some advice. My girlfriend just broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago. We were dating for 3 and 1/2 years before she broke up with me. In my opinion we had a great relationship and could last through anything, i have since been answered that it was not true. The reasons she said she broke up with me were: 1. We never really got to know each other’s friends and never hung out as a couple with others ( I can agree with this fact). 2. she said we were too involved in each others lives and didnt have a life outside of each other ( I can agree with this up to an extent, we go to different schools so i believe that we have had to develop a life outside of each other). 3. She doesnt see our future going in the same direction ( I disagree with this one because she is moving to my college in a year and we both have a desire to study abroad). 4. she is scared that we have only been with each other and dont know what else is out there ( I of course disagree with this and know i want to be with this girl). She is also suffering with a real case of depression so i hope that this is blowing her emotions out of proportion. She believes differently because she didnt give me these reasons till after she broke up and has had time to think. i of course went begging back to her. i did everything that i probably shouldnt ( text her alot, ask her the “why” questions, flip out about the break up, trying to be friends with her friends to show that i could change things, write the i will change emails, the dont do’s basically). She still cares about me she says and still wants me in her life. I think i am going to start the no contact phase for around a good month to see if that does anything. We have agreed to meet up at the end of summer (so around late July or early August). I am wondering if anybody has any helpful advice ( about the no contact, how to handle things personally because i am taking it very hard, how to start rebuilding, if writing that letter i have read above would be useful, and what i should do for when we meet up at the end of summer). Thank you and thank you for taking the time to read this and giving helpful advice.

  81. Sara Hellen 20 June 2012 at 3:22 am Permalink

    Hey Kat. Well I’m going something similar but the thing here is that I have his baby. And I’ve tried things to work .so after a month went by I tried talking to him to fix it and he’s been acting cool . Well it’s been 6 month and beforeour divorce I tried talking to him for the last time . I want to ignore him and want to show him I don’t care anymore .even though I can’t just ignore him for life I need to keep in touch with him. Any advice

  82. artie3290 22 July 2012 at 6:53 am Permalink

    I think this article is amazing and its totally true, but my question when it comes to no contact is what if the situation invovles it still. For example, in my situation I only dated the guy a short while, and the relationship ended because he got scared of getting too close, even though we had gotten extremely close. Well while dating him I became really good friends with a lot of his friends, and they still want to remain friends. So when I visit them, he said I could stay with him. Now I understand he needs space and time to work on things, he basically asked for that without actually asking for it. But during the ‘breakup/break’ (btw he wouldn’t even call it a breakup) talk, since we had made plans for concerts and meeting his parents, he said he still wanted to do that. I just don’t know how to proceed really. I mean I know to a point I need to move on, but at the same time its not that he didn’t want to be with me, he just can’t figure himself out I guess. And no I’m not delusional enough to know that’s not better, I’m just not completely sure how to proceed.

  83. Michael 19 August 2012 at 6:49 am Permalink

    I recently went through a breakup with a girl who ran hot and cold. Loving me turned to indifference to hostilty….often in the same day. As i read through these posts i see some of the same behavior in varying degrees which most often results in the other partner scratching their heads in disbelief at what could have gone wrong. For those of you who identify please do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people are emotionally immature and in most cases incapable of love and especially showing love. Pour your heart out to one of these unfortunate folks and watch them run the other direction as fast as they can.
    As far as No Contact goes…….do it! For one reason and one reason only. To heal yourself. Take the love you’re wasting on someone else and give it to yourself. Become a better stronger person. One who would never grovel at the feet of another to get what they should be getting and should be entitled to. This will make you a much more attractive person which will help you find the one who will love you and appreciate you. Put that undeserving in the rear view and stomp on the accelerator toward the destination you seek and deserve.

  84. pertunia 24 September 2012 at 11:04 pm Permalink

    me and my ex boyfriend we broke up a week ago, because he believes that he must marry someone from his village, a person who is going to stay at his home town while he is on the other side of province and he knew that i am not going to allow that and we were so happy together and so much in love, but he was sometimes go hot and cold, it was confusing me not knowing what to do but i just told my self that maybe the death of his parents affected him somehow, i tried to give him support and all that but he seemed not to be interested in my support, i just started the NC few days after break up and he have’nt contact me ever since i stopped, he only send me a message on my birthday that was it, and a painful part is that he promised to spend my birthday with me but he never came or apologise for not coming

    i just wonder if he realy loved me or he was just playing with my mind, i don’t know what to think, i realy do love him and i am hoping that the NC can work for me, its so hard but i promised my self that i am not going to make the first move… should i continue like that or should i contact him after few weeks? please hlep…….

    • Michael 27 September 2012 at 10:29 am Permalink

      You must be STRONG to go on with your life without that person..It is all over your head..Find a better person in the near future!

  85. Trin 26 September 2012 at 6:07 pm Permalink

    I recently went through a break up myself. Like everyone on here obviously. Its been 6 weeks. Some contact here and there. We had gone two weeks with no contact and then he contacted me about something completely trvial. We ended up having a serious almost kind of closure esque talk the next day where he maintained that I wasnt the problem in the relationship. He just wasnt happy and he wants to take the time to fix himself. His words “I just cant have a girlfriend right now. I need to work on my career and fix my own issues” Now when were together (9 months) he maintained he was happy and that I was the one that wasnt. He would say things like Im so happy youre mine and that I get to have you forever. Suddenly and I do mean suddenly he comes to me and says in so many words “Its not you, Its me.” Well thats how I interpret it. But some time has passed and I have realized that I may have really been the problem. I truly did seem unhappy with him, always complaining and nagging him about not being home with me because I basically didnt have a life outside of him anymore. I was upset that we didnt spend time together and our schedules were completely different. I wasnt like that in the beginning. I had goals and a life as did he. Then I moved in and things changed in my life and I ulitmately changed. I realize now that I was jealous if his life and what he was accomplishing because in my eyes he had it all. He was able to pursure his career and have the girl at home and still maintain a personal life outside of work and his relationship. I on the other hand only had him and work while my goals sat on a shelf waiting for me to pick them back up and my personal life outside of him was pretty nonexistent. I resented him for it a little too. thus the tension and arguing. I feel like that may have been our down fall. And I honestly love the boy. But since our last talk “closure” I am not sure if i should bring this to him, especially since I’ve begun my no contact again. Its been 3 days since I have restarted no contact. My bday was a few days ago and the day before I invited him to join me in the festivities. We texted that day for a bit about and then I didnt hear from him on my actaul bday. instead he called me the next morning to apologise for not calling me and also tell me happy bday along with asking me questions about how it went. he ended the convo with “I’ll talk to you soon K.” I am not sure what to do with the revelation Ive come up with. Do I break no contact and bring this to him or just wait it out some more.

    • Michael 27 September 2012 at 10:28 am Permalink

      Do not worry about that person! Get on with your life..You will find someone better in the near future..Good luck..

  86. AshleyG 16 October 2012 at 7:38 am Permalink

    what if your ex boyfriend who lives 5 mins from you dumped u 3 months ago but is still back n forth between me and the rebound girl? he still loves me etc he cheated on her for a while.. came over yesterday but no cheating or anything.. he told HER he missed me has feelings for me still after i implemented no contact for a week.. now what? there was no cheating we dated a year and a half.. i am heartbroken i am head over heels for him still:(

    • DW 4 December 2012 at 10:03 am Permalink

      Hey Ashley.

      You are worth more than being his go-between girl. He will only do what you allow him to do. I say to talk to him, and let him know how you feel, without sacrificing too much. Don’t be too emotional when you speak. And then I would implement the no contact rule. Don’t tell him you’re doing it, just do it. We know that the other girl was simply a rebound. But now, he needs to own up to his true feelings for you. And he won’t ever do it if you never require him to. Good luck!

  87. Jason 21 October 2012 at 8:37 am Permalink

    My ex broke with me in April this year, and it has been hard for me to accept. We were together for four years. I must confess that I did break up with him before and it was extremely difficult for him. He kept trying and we connected almost eight months later.
    When my ex broke with me this year, he said it was because he had lost confidence in me. What I have noticed is that he would call and I will get really excited. I have expressed how much I love him and want him back. Then I would call and text him alot. This is when he would stop taking my call.
    I am really confused because one minute you are calling and talking really nice and when I asked what are the chances of us getting back together, he tells me that I am pressuring him. He told me he was dating someone new, but he recognizes that the person cannot give him what he wants.
    I am mentally tired because he would not tell me what he wants from me and I have been pushing for us to get back together. I am not very good at being patient and was driving myself crazy.
    I do love my ex and wants him back, but I do not know how he feels about me.

  88. Henry 24 October 2012 at 5:08 pm Permalink

    I fell hard for my ex girlfriend, who after a rather minor argument, broke up with me. There were some things I did to bring on that argument. Let me also say that I said some pretty nasty things when she sprung the break up on me. I pulled out the stops and regretted what all I said right away. I also became a real beta male and tried to make her happy and stopped doing the things I enjoyed.

    I waited a few days, I apologized for those things I said that were wrong and many things I said were simply untrue. I told her that breaking up was probably the best thing at this point, and I went into NC with her. I decided not to tell her I was doing this, I just started NC that day I apologized.

    Nearly 4 weeks later I get a text late at night from her asking if we could have phone sex. I waited to answer to let this sink in for a while. I was shocked that she texted and contacted me at all. I had to ask myself, “Does this mean NC is working??”

    Well, I took about 20 minutes to think about it and I told her “No, I can’t do that.” She seemed almost happy with my response but I think she was trying to save face because she had been rejected.

    I obsessed about this request and I became weak. I texted her 2 days later. The texting became sexting and the sexting became a phone call which became phone sex.

    Since my mind is so cloudy about all of this just tell me, is this in any way a sign that she still has interest in me or is this just outright using me in some way? She has asked for it again and I told her I was busy. She is not asking to meet for real. Just this sexting and phone sex. I have three possible plans for the next time she asks. Please tell me of either of these sound legit or do you have another plan?

    1. Ignore the next request completely – Absolute NC
    2. Tell her the truth, how I feel she is only using me when she knows I still have strong feelings for her (this seems to be giving away a lot of power though…)
    3. Tell her that I have started seeing someone else. It was casual at first but it suddenly blossomed and now we are dating exclusively. It wouldn’t be right to be sexting my ex and starting a new relationship simultaneously. (this of course is a partial lie and a ruse. I have gone out on a few dates but there is no one exclusive in my life. My ex and I live about 1 hour away from each other so there is little or no chance of her ever knowing I used a ruse to try and force the issue with her.

    Thoughts? I do not like the idea of being deceitful. I really do not, but it shows you where I am mentally. I am not as far along as I thought I was…

  89. Michael 1 January 2013 at 10:40 am Permalink

    I became very close with a lady with whom I’ve worked with for years. She’s married but in the process of a divorce, she moved out & we fell in love, well we actually fell in love before she moved into her own place. because other circumstances were in play with her and her ex, i thought it best we not be seen out together in public. She’s often told me that she cant be alone, but i didnt spend as much time with her as I really wanted to. I often told her when it was final, that everything would change, and i was very serious about it. Three weeks ago she sent me an email about how much she loved me , but at the same time told me how impatient she was. Two weeks ago she said she went to dinner with someone she met on line, then the weekend before Xmas she told me she needed space.
    I did the normal begging, I’ll do anything, but she just told me she needed time. I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone & im tore completely up. i’m trying the NC bit. I have no idea what to do. I work with her so I have to see her. I do remember asking her if we could see a movie or something sometime or just talk & she told me not right now.

    • Phil 5 January 2013 at 4:57 am Permalink

      Dude, leave this girl alone. Trust me. Pulling away is the best thing you can do. Don’t text, don’t call, don’t email. Give her the space she ‘wants’. Once you totally disappear from this girl’s life, she’ll begin to wonder and wondering is the worst part of a situation like this. More importantly, do your own thing. Remember, you were somebody before her and you’re somebody after her.

      Go out and date, meet new girls, and after a while, you won’t give a f–k about this one anymore.

      • Michael 3 August 2013 at 5:13 pm Permalink

        Leave this crazy woman alone since she is married!! She cheats on her husband since of you. If both of you and her are together, then she will cheat on you because she cheats on her husband. Run away from her.

  90. melissa 5 January 2013 at 6:30 pm Permalink

    Please read this and make any comments or suggestions. I am very confused. I made a post in February 2012 about my ex leaving me for what they said was a rebound girl. I want to let people know what happened. NC does work. It does make the other person miss you. I did NC until May 2012, he contacted me. I’m gonna be short and sweet on this. We talked, met a few times, talked some more went out on a few “dates”. In July we decided to get back together. I thought everything was going ok. Then in November after Thanksgiving he started acting “weird” . Next thing I know, he unfriended me on FB. I hate FB. Clung to his cell phone, which he had FB on, and changed all his passwords. On December 5th 2012, I came home from work and he wasn’t home. I text him and asked if he went shopping, he said I hated to do it but I moved out. WTF. Well, guess where he went. Back to the Rebound Girl. Boy did that mess me up. I was doing so good before he contacted me. I started asking all the dumb “why” questions again, it was like February all over again except I didn’t beg and plead this time, I started NC the next day and haven’t talked to him since. He moved just as fast this time with her as he did last time if not faster. My friend looked at his FB page a couple of weeks ago and it says in a relationship since December 1, 2012. I’m sorry but I had to laugh at that one, because he didn’t move out of my house until the 5th of December. I have come to the conclusion he has no respect for women or himself. He started talking to her before he moved out and padded his fall, leaving me to hit the pavement once again.

    • Michael 10 January 2013 at 11:06 am Permalink

      For God’s sake! Why the hell did you ALLOW him to DESTROY your healing heart? Why worrying about what or how he doe? It goes all over to mess up your head. Get away from him about million miles! There are billion fishes for you in the biggest ocean..Trust me, you will find someone better in the near future. Good luck!

      • melissa 10 January 2013 at 3:30 pm Permalink

        Thanks Michael: I am once again in my recovery of this mess. I have made it 33 days of NC. He however tried to contact me thru his sister (yes I still speak to her but not about him, I love her dearly, she is very upset by her brothers actions) and by calling from a “blocked” number, several times on New Years night. I did not answer the call. Then the blocked calls started going through my circle of friends and family members. They are very understanding and told me not to worry about it. He was and still is childish. From the way this sounds you would think we were kids, but that is not the case. I am 47 and he is 37. I am too old for these types of games. I have already planned a trip to a friend of mine out of state for my son and I at the end of this month. I AM going to go and have a good time just me and the most important person in my life. What hurts the most in all of this is how people can look you in the face and say “I love you”, then slap you down just as quick. Oh, and Michael. Lucky for me I own my home, where as he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, so I don’t have to move a million miles away, HE DOES with his mommy and daddy and eventually he will suck the life out of the rebound. KARMA!!! It works for me.

        • DW 11 January 2013 at 2:51 pm Permalink

          Michael,

          You’re being a little harsh I think. But your opinion is yours. Melissa, you may have dodged a bullet with this one. Sounds like he doesn’t know which way is up. Let him have the rebound girl. In no time at all, he will walk out on her, or vice versa. Me, on the other hand-I don’t know what to do. I was in a same-sex relationship with another woman. She’s 15 years older than me. We broke up in July of last year, and since then we’ve found subtle little excuses to contact each other. The latest was on new years eve when her mom was rushed to the hospital. She called Mr to

          • DW 11 January 2013 at 2:55 pm Permalink

            She called me to talk about it, and I was there for her. I’m genuinely concerned about her mom. I know this proved that she still feels safe with me and that I’m an emotional comfort for her. But is that enough for her to want to reconcile? I feel myself getting emotional over her all over again, so I think I’m going to pull back. Do you guys think its too late to start no contact after being broken up for six months? Please tell me what you think.

            Thanks.

  91. Tilly 12 May 2013 at 3:29 am Permalink

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  92. lock 22 July 2013 at 1:27 pm Permalink

    my gs told me on 3 separate days she does not love me and there is no hope to get back with her as a gf. We had our first big fight which ended it for her. She said she love me one day, then basically the next she said she didnt. She said we cna be good friends only. It hurts because she still is cold to me those days. Our final phone convo she sounded confused she said she didnt know what love is and she didt want to love anyone . She was in an abusive relationship previously where he hit her alot too. She might be a little mental from itI have been NC for 1 week now and she txt me on the 3rd day hoping I was fine but only a breadcrumb. not a question or wanting to get back. Its getting really hard now going into week 2. Do I have much hope. she was sooo into me and said she loved me 2 weeks into talking to me. she made me believe I was the love of her life and got me all into it too and fell in love with her and now she shut down on me totally. Do i have much hope? She said i hurt her feelings which is same as physical abuse. I think her friends are feeding her a buncha crap. All guys should be in jail if they ever hurt a gf’s feelings if you live by her insights. is there hope?

    • Michael 3 August 2013 at 4:59 pm Permalink

      Well, she (she sounds very confused or psycho) does NOT love you so do not wait for her to contact you since she wastes your time. She needs lots of therapy work since of her past abusive history. Go find someone who knows how to love you with her heart. Trust me, you will find someone better again. First, you will have to heal your heart in a month or more, then try to date the girls as you can. You will feel better later on after healing your heart. Please let us know in a month or so.

  93. devo 12 February 2014 at 7:02 pm Permalink

    i need some advice. I am doing no contact right now, but feel i should write a letter to my ex. Our story goes we met through a mutual friend and immediately connected. We have amazing chemistry and dated for 4 months. In that time she thought the world of me as i did her. I agree things moved very fast, but when something feels right you go with it. Anyways, she had an issue with me being very amorous near the end saying it turned her off that i always wanted her and i explained its because im so in love w her. She said it made her feel resentful because she said i would pout after being turned down and that she felt pressured to do it later. After a couple conversations i said id chill on the wanting sex, but explained i had never wanted sex so much in previous relationships because i didnt love them as much as i loved her(not to mention we got along very well on that level a) lot. NYE came and i got stupidly drunk and for hours i acted like a complete dick complaining why we werent having sex. I later apologized pfofusely knowing i was clearly in the wrong, but things were never the same since and she said i didnt understand the damage i did that night. A week later she dumped me and still said i severed our relationship NYE and that i didnt understand the damage i done. I tild her i was incredibly intoxicated but nothing. She ended it. It was amicable and i said i think shes throwing something amazing away and that we truly couldve been something incredibly special. I honestly saw her in my longterm as chemistry like that doesnt come around everyday.
    Now, my dilemma is its been a month of no contact and she deleted me iff facebook a week after we ended(glad she did) but now i genuinely miss her in my life. We werent friends before as we got into a relatuonship quick,but became best friends during our time together. Ive come to the realization and acceptance its done, but i truly miss her in my life. I want to write her a letter of appreciation and explaining id love to b friends, but friends say leave her alone, but they dont reside in my head and heart where i miss her. What do i do.? Call her to quickly say hey? Write the letter? Any suggestions would b greatly appreciated!


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