You have probably heard about implementing No Contact soon after a break up and there are many articles and discussions about it all over the internet. It is one of those strategies that are extremely important but not many are keen to implement. It’s not easy to completely shut yourself off from the person you love. It’s a habit and a drug.
I think the first thing you’ll likely do is to rationalize why No Contact is not for you or why it’s not as important as others say. Let’s look at why No Contact is important and if it’s really beneficial for your situation.
What is No Contact?
In my opinion No Contact = No Contract.
Your relationship started with a contract that bound the two of you together in a mutual agreement to love, cherish, respect one another. When you enter a relationship you do so because of the benefits you’ll receive from the other person. Everyone wants to be loved, to be looked after, to be respected and to have their opinions count. That’s why people get into relationships.
What happens when your partner tells you they don’t want to be with you is a major slap in the face to you and all the effort you have put into the relationship. They’re pretty much saying the contract is up, their lease is over and they’re ready to move out and move on to bigger and greener pastures.
It hurts because your ex has ditched you when you still felt you were under contract for another few years or even indefinitely.
Now in reality you wouldn’t go crying and begging to the bank if they have rejected you or if a business rejects you. That’s not professional and their respect for you will pretty much go through the floor. Same thing will happen with your ex, though they will be a lot more sympathetic and they might even make you feel better through compensation. However this is never long lasting and often another break up will happen around the corner.
Now clearly things are never quite this simple in the real world. Depending on why your relationship ended, going straight into No Contact can be a negative instead of a position. What that means is sometimes you need to use your common sense and decide what you should do for your situation.
If your ex has left you it might be a lack of one or more of the following:
- appreciation
- affection
- desire
- passion
- acknowledgement
- excitement
- newness
- respect
- willingness to share and contribute
- growth and expansion
Whatever their reason may be, you need to accept that you might never really know the real reason they’re leaving you. (Often they won’t really know either)
What To Do After Getting Dumped?
I don’t recommend going into No Contact straight away if you still love your ex and want your ex back. Why? Because if you still love your ex and you want to make things right, it doesn’t make sense to not try to get them back. But that’s not really the problem. I would think most people reading this would have tried already to convince their ex to come back; it’s the most natural thing to do especially directly after a break up and when you’re highly emotional.
Now if you were dumped the day before and it was a big shout fest where lots of unpleasant things were said and you woke up this morning feeling like crap and regretting the whole thing. I recommend settling yourself down so you’re not in a state of panic before calling. If your ex refuses to talk to you, whatever you do, DON’T keep calling!
Wait a few more days to try. You should never go on a txt message binge or anything of the kind. Now if you have ALREADY done that, then you should start No Contact right now.
The Truth Behind No Contact
A lot of people think once they have started no contact, that means if they talk or even acknowledge their ex at all from this point on, it means they have failed the entire process. Please don’t be harsh on yourself, if you set a bunch of rules that are unrealistic in nature (eg, like not talking to your ex if you work together) you are only setting yourself up to fail. Be flexible but understand your main intentions for going into No Contact.
Here are the main rules to follow:
- Don’t try to do anything purely to provoke a reaction out of your ex.
- Don’t initiate conversations that could lead to a ‘friendly’ relationship with your ex.
- Don’t call your ex to talk about anything other than when there’s a major emergency.
Another easy way to remember how to act is to think of your ex as a distant acquaintance you have neutral feelings for. You wouldn’t call or go out of your way to talk to someone you barely know and that’s how you should treat your ex during the No Contact phrase.
How Long Should No Contact Last?
If you’re going to use this rule to the extreme (not always recommended)
You typically use No Contact until one of two things happen:
a) your ex hints at wanting you back or
b) you don’t want your ex back anymore.
It’s not difficult in theory but people aren’t robots and we often misread signs or get too excited too quickly. Now the important thing to remember is if you do happen to make a mistake and it sets you further back, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world and mistakes will undoubtedly happen! Simply go back into No Contact and continue on knowing you have learnt a lesson from your mistake.
Now what will happen is that your ex will contact you and suggest to get together (or you might even suggest to get together). Go out and have some fun but in the back of your mind you should be thinking where this ‘date’ should be leading. If it’s not progressing towards reconciliation then you go back on No Contact and be honest with your ex about it.
Simple in theory but hard to implement in the real world (like most things).
Surviving No Contact
I won’t lie, it’s hard like a druggie trying to come clean. But it WILL get easier. The more you distance yourself and the less you communicate, the faster the healing will be. Clearly if you go complete cold turkey, you’ll make faster progress than someone who sees their ex everyday and has to make small talk out of politeness. If you want to get through it quick, consider taking a long holiday somewhere.
What I mean by getting through it quick is getting to the point where it isn’t so painful going through the day without talking to your ex anymore. You want to get to that stage where a few days might go by without having thought of your ex at all. That’s the best position to be in because to survive the break up, you need patience and you can’t get it if you’re staring at the problem every second of the day.
Want a secret formula to surviving no contact? Or how about how to STOP no contact all together?
Check out The Ex Recovery System
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{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
I shared a lease with my ex for the past 6 months, so we had to communicate somewhat about the rent, his stuff, etc. He left very suddenly and even started hanging out with me again a couple times in Feb. then was gone again. He was my first love so it was very devastating and I haven’t been able to do “No Contact” until a month ago. It has been a month and I have had absolutely NO contact with him what-so-ever. He told me he’s “sorry he has to giv eup on me” and he is “afraid that if we talk I will undo the little bit of self esteem he has gotten back.” I decided to cut off all contact because nothing else has worked even though I have tried to be nice, tell him how much I love and miss him (and his kids). I feel like I have looked deperate and pathetic and I may have totally screwed up any chance to have him in my life. Do you think the “no contact” thing will work now that so much time has passed since we broke up?? Help!!
I am replying to this because I was the one who originally wrote this over a year ago and I feel like I can now share some wisdom that I learned after going through this. As I read back on my original post I see someone desperately clinging to the wrong love because it felt “comfortable.” You share your life with someone, you love them with all your being and can’t imagine EVER leaving them only to have them walk out of your life like it meant nothing and that HURTS very bad. However, that action alone makes them totally NOT right for you. For those who are grieving the loss of your relationship let me give you some advice. You may not be ready to hear it yet, but in time, You’ll understand and hopefully will get lucky and find the person you are meant to be with. THEY ARE OUT THERE! Here it is: MOVE ON!! Definitely do ‘No Contact’ but don’t do it with the intention of getting them to notice you. Do it because that’s all they deserve. They don’t deserve any more of your time or attention. They don’t deserve your love or your tears. You are better than them because you know how to love! So, give that love to yourself and eventually, you will give that love to someone more deserving and more importantly…who will LOVE YOU BACK in every way that you dream of. They won’t leave you, they will stick with you no matter what…unlike that person your crying over right now. How do I know, You may ask??? Because when I let go (I mean really let go) of the guy I wrote my previous post about…I found the best man I have ever met. He treats me exactly the way I always wanted to be treated and he is genuinely in love with me and I with him. We are getting married next year and I am soo much happier than I ever was with what’s his name. Trust me, when you let go, you open yourself up to a much better life! Don’t waste your time on someone who abandoned you in the first place.
Thanks Kat. I’m having a helluva time dealing with my breakup. I gave in during NC once and it only made me hurt all over again. I’m trying so hard to move on but
it’s tough. You’re right, she doesn’t deserve my attention, tears or the energy I put into all this. I know how to love, and she will never know just how great I am at it, someone else so much better than her will.
I don’t need to tell you what I am going through. She told me that she was never in love with me just playing the part because I was so amazing to her for the past two years. I got her off of drugs and put her life on a beautiful track and one week before my B Day “last week” she drops this bomb on me. I can’t say we were fighting, in fact our life seemed pretty perfect but I could sense that she was growing distant. The truth is she has put me through quite a bit for the last two years but I loved her and wanted to take care of her even more. Maybe I was/am obsessed over her company, her beauty our love making… EVERYTHING… She is moving out in a few days with in 3 foot balls fields of my place. I can see her apt from my balcony
She says things like it doesn’t have to be black and white, we can possibly see each other. NO THANK YOU MAM, I am better than being someone’s part time love or comforter for when she is feeling unsure. I have cried one million tears in front of her and I KNOW that was my biggest mistake. We humans are sick and like games. I should have treated her like any common young man and she would have loved me for it. This has killed my LOVE for LOVE…
She has NO IDEA but I am going to be DEAD to her the moment she hands me my key and walks away…. I have her my heart, now I need to take back my SOUL…
Thank you Kat, your words are exactly what we all know we just don’t want to admit or accept them I guess. I want this girl to think I am the one who hung the moon in the sky as DID I think she was
Someone told me something like this… She is not worth your tears and the one who is will NEVER make you cry…
I did manage the strength to tell her the other night that she cant be the one for me because she CANT possibly love me. No one who really loved someone could do this to them. NO ONE…
I’m glad I was able to help You and I will continue to do so if you need advice. I know EXACTLY what You’re going through because I went through almost the same thing with my Ex. I have learned that there are what I call “emotional vampires” out there. They suck you dry and leave you there to feel like you are dying. It’s draining and exhausting to those who are their “victims.” But, we have a responsibility in it too. We have allowed ourselves to go along with their games. We don’t want to admit they aren’t good for us and they are someone we are taking ‘care’ of instead of being partners with. It’s a one-sided relationship. Because we are SO eager to love and to be someone’s world, we tend to turn a blind eye to what we are presented with until it’s too late. I am not an expert by any means, but I know the pain of a failed relationship. I know emotional abuse at the hands of someone I loved more than anyone. Trust me, it is sooo much better in the long run to just go through the pain of absolutely “NO CONTACT” and move forward with your life (figuring out who you are, what you won’t put up with) than to do this “back and forth, seesaw, clutch and grab” emotional rollercoaster with this person. They consider you a “crutch” when and only when they need it, not a person with feelings that wanted a honest, REAL, loving relationship. YOU deserve better than that. Don’t waste anymore of your precious life on a pointless and heartbreaking person. Give all that love and attention to yourself and I PROMISE you… there will be someone who you can finally have a functional, loving relationship with! Email me if you need to! I am happy to help! Good luck!
No Prob, Jeff! I know how hard it is, but a person who hurt you like this once…will continue to do it over and over. They don’t change, no matter how much they may end up telling you they have. It’s a game. Life is too short to waste your precious love on someone who never wanted to give it back. There are truly better people out there on this huge planet. One person doesn’t make or break you. I feel for you! Stay strong and good luck!
hi there im sorry!!!!But really it’s always the females problem. what have you done to her to make her not want to talk or be with you ?
Hi Kat,
I would really like to know what you think!
Here goes:
Me and my now (ex) have been together 6 months. We have known each other 4 years and dated briefly in 2008. It was wrong timing for us both (just out of relationships), and after a few months of seeing each other, she went back to her ex as my head wasn’t ready to move on.
Anyway, we don’t speak, she since then has had another ex,who I know she was very fond of. In April 2011, I spoke to her on FB and she kinda mentioned that he had just said “I can’t do this anymore”. She was devastated.
Before I know it, we went out for a drink, I let her tell me all about it, and we eventually had a great time in each others company which led to us being an item.
Admittedly, I felt she was a bit needy, and my job was playing havoc with my time, so we kinda broke up (unofficially) and over the course of a month, she ended up going on a date, which didnt work out. We had a holiday (Sept 11) booked for a while, and we went together. I relaised on holiday how much I loved her, how much I wanted to be with her and told her this. At first she said that I wasn’t forthcoming and she had felt I wasn’t interested so tried to move on, and in the course of a month, she felt me more as a brother!!
We ended up sleeping with each other on holiday, and spent everyday together when we got back. She was falling for me again. Told me she loved me etc, and before I know it we are together again. Was great,and things were going great. She spoke to my parents about our plans for christmas etc, and up until 5 days ago, we were going great!
Then, I notice from last week, she didn’t seem to interested, and over the weekend, did not hear anything which is very unusual as we spoke 3 or 4 times a day, calls/texts.
She then asks me yesterday if I would like to go with her to the sisters newborn, and on the way home tells me that she isn’t happy, feels me more as a brother, even though we have a fantastic sex life. We have chemistry, we love being with each other, I can’t see how it has all changed in 4 days. She also has a few important personal issues in her life of late, so has this affected her mind? I’m just shocked. How do I play this. My friends advice is don’t contact her, if she wants to, she will.
I told her how I felt about her last night before dropping her home, told her I was devastated etc, and where I thought we were going. She kept saying she was sorry and she was “probably about to make the biggest mistake of her life” Then asks if we can still be FB friends, and will I still message her?!
I have adopted the NC rule, as I believe that she knows how I feel, and hassling her isnt going to help. She said her decision, and i am hoping maybe not hearing from me might make her realise what she hasn’t got anymore! Surely as she broke it off, it would be upto her to contact me?
She is still on my FB, and I think I should remove her s I will keep looking at her page?
Help!!
Sorry its so long..
Hi, John!
I’m honored that you would seek my advice about this. All I can offer is my honest opinion based on the info you posted. Here it goes:
I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by having NC. It sounds to me like she is a very confused person and it’s not fair to you to have her constantly going hot and cold. It’s a mind game. She may not be intentionally doing it to hurt you, but it’s still a mind game. You can’t tell someone “You’re like a brother” and then proceed to sleep with them. Short of maybe some backwoods in the hills somewhere, I don’t know where that is normal. I’m not sure what it is she is seeking from you when she spends time with you in a “relationship” fashion, but it seems clear to me that she isn’t actually seeking a REAL commitment.
NC is the way to go. As hard as it is, because you have real feelings invested, it’s the only way you’re BOTH going to know for sure if she made the biggest mistake of her life. Beware though…she may end up calling you up again when she wants her “brother” back and she knows she can manipulate you because you have feelings. Just get some distance and then you will know which way to go. Try your best to move on with your life in a positive way…don’t let hanging on to a person who is wishy-washy be the biggest mistake fo your life! It’s too valuable! Hope this helps!
Hi kat, thank you so much for your reply! I have an update for you. 3 days later it says on her Facebook Shes “in a relationship”. Shocked to say the least. Still didn’t retaliate, and have still gone nc. What do I do now?! John
John – I can’t reply to your last comment…so I will reply to it here. The best thing for you to do now is to move on. That may not be what you want to hear, but she is obviously not interested in being “in a relationship” in any real sense if she already has it plastered on her FB 3 days after she ended things with you. Maybe she started something up with someone else while she was hanging out with you. It seems very sudden that she would ALREADY be in another relationship. Whatever the case may be, she isn’t worth it. You cannot change anyone but yourself. She has made herself unavailable to you and therefore is not worth the effort. It’s best you take back control of your own life and choose not to let her in it anymore. She will probably go through this pattern of hot and cold with other men…it’s best you take yourself out of the equation so a woman who is much more worthy of your love will take her place!! Good luck!
Sorry, but “No Contact” doesn’t work after a certain point.
If you want the person back you have to get up and start taking action. You have to figure out, honestly and clearly what went wrong and who is at fault for what. Someone _is_ to blame for the current end of the relationship. People make choices and act on them. They don’t “just happen” and people are not “just not meant to be”. If you weren’t “meant to be” then why did you get together in the first place? Things happen, things iside and outside of the relationship. People can grow and change. But people can also regress and change. Drug abuse, mental and social disorders, job loss, death of a close person. These all affect the romantic relationship. Some people pull away from everyone when they have been dealt a serious blow. Some people seek comfort of the known. Others seek the comfort of the unknown.
You have to take the time to be honest with yourself and work on improving yourself gradually, NOT all at once. Face your issues, work on them and then reapproach them.
If they still matter to you, do the work necessary to regain them, the trust and love that once was if the relationship was deep and not superficial. The first part is being honest and aware with yourself.
Otherwise, no contact is a waste of time and you’re back to where you started: nothing understood and nothing resolved.
chuck, u are absolutely right
Well ‘no contact’ is a framework and actually a test (unconcious mostly but also concious) of your willpower to demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions, to your significant other. You initiate this method as complimentary to what otherwise should be dealt with hopefully anyway—fixing what went wrong in the first place and admitting any guilt or lack of action (and growing and changing during this period). “No contact” ushers in a useful period of “blank slating” so there is a mental closure that the past relationship really is at an end and that the new relationship will start anew. Breaking no contact is like making the past ‘bad’ relationship still seamed together to the new one you want to start (assuming you do get back together) and you really need to break those seams and make a clear seperation that the previous relationship is fully at a close and that both parties have grown and are ready for a new relatiosnhip (that why you hear of all those on and off relationships that are really one big painful one with seams). During no contact anyway, you should be growing and clearing your mind of your natural human emotions which overtake you and make you not think clearly. It also gains you respect and makes the other person attracted to you more that you stuck with a rule and that you overpowered your emotions with clear thinking using your consious will. Research the internet on what no contact really means. Although straight-forward sounding, you’ll be suprised at how many people use some “watered-down method”, try to “adapt it to their style” and just downright dont do it correctly, which is why they say it didnt work for them. OF COURSE, you have your stories where the person dumping you really messed you over and they used you and they just really want to be that emotional vampire. No power moves will ever get those back and its sad that they made you fall in love with them.
Hey,
Me and my ex broke up 3 weeks ago, and i have tried to contact him in a week… nor has he for me.. what do i do, i want him back and i want to talk to him!!!.. Please help
jst relax
Hey,
Me and my ex broke up 3 weeks ago, and i have not tried to contact him in a week… nor has he for me.. what do i do, i want him back and i want to talk to him!!!.. Please help..I have
hey, ring him and see if he fancies meeting up with you because you want to be friends with him and to say u dont want the hard feelings stilll on, then when u meet he might fall for u again x
how long does the no contact rule apply?, i was thinking of giving him a ring, but in the same respect he hasn’t called me either. i dunno im at a point where i don’t want him back, i kinda would like to see if he’s okay thou. its been a year and a bit since ive spoken to him
if hes still single date another guy. there is nothing as powerful than seeing ur ex girl date another guy. he sees what he lost. im that guy!!! i lost…
I did chase for 1 1/2 years. I got no where. Now with no contact she is starting to not hate me! We were going to get married 2 years ago and she went bi-polar on me! We made love 3-6 times a day. What happened? I told her I love her and she went away! Not little by little she is just starting to change again. If I start to chase again she would start bad behavor again. Like I said slow changes are slowly happening. One day at a time. This program is right ( get back power) like you don’t care anymore. Let her think she lost you, not you lost her!!!
hello, this is my first time trying the no contact approach, I don’t know where it will get me, but I must say that after a break up don’t date for awhile to get over it, through a break tempers flies everywhere we tend to say things and later regret. but the process is slow and like the other reader said it comes with patience. it is worth it. I just break up out of a relationship, after 20 years of chasing me he told me we are not compatible, now do I believe it? I don’t know, not only that he proceed to send me a letter to my job telling me he cannot help me with my accident that occurred in summer, but he can recommend me to some people who can help me. the reality is he already told me he could not represent me which I accept and never bring it up again, but he decide to wrote a letter and send it to my job telling me again he cannot represent me, I don’t know what is motives are, but needless to say I was embrassed that he did that. should I still go along with the no contact approach?
My ex and I just broke our 6 1/2 yr relationship. He was the one that left me. In the last 4 mos of our relationship everything changed. We started to have very poor communication. We always talked about everything! All of a sudden everything seemed to go down hill. I still really love him and want to work things out. I’m honestly nervous to try no contact thinking he will think I don’t care or moved on…please help..can I get a guys input please???
hey, its been 9 months since me and my ex broke up, i didn’t stop contact all together right away, that took some time. I not gonna lie, it was almost unbearable at first, and it still is hard because despite his flaws, i still love him. its called unconditional love that i have for him and for me its coming to terms with that. today was the first time in months that i called him. it was to wish him a happy birthday. because i didn’t get him on the phone i left a message. i kept it short. and i really did mean it
my only hope now is that he heard it.
i still love him, probably always will. ive accepted things for what they are now.
The only thing I would add here is a warning to women: if your male ex contacts you, the chances are about 9 in 10 he is just fishing for no-strings sex. He may talk about reconciliation or being “friends,” but often, that is not his real objective. Of course, every situation is a bit different. But that different.
I am pregnant and I hurt my ex and he moved back to his home town but he still talk to me but not like I want him to talk to me he say ge want me back but he is scared but if I dont call him he want call me and if he do its to check on the baby I go down there some times and we have sex but my feeling are still caught up help me please
It is nearly impossible to be helpful without knowing what you mean when you say “hurt” your ex. There’s a million ways to hurt people. Most are forgivable; a few aren’t.
I am pregnant and I hurt my ex and he moved back to his home town but he still talk to me but not like I want him to talk to me he say ge want me back but he is scared but if I dont call him he want call me and if he do its to check on the baby I go down there some times and we have sex but my feeling are still caught up help me please tell me what I need to do
My boyfriend broke up (after a 2yrs relationship) with me because he said he had enough of fighting all the time.. truth is i argued all the time with him because i couldn’t bear him, i didn’t love him enough -though he loved me a lot-.
Now i can’t stop talking to him i miss him like crazyyy and i think he does too.. should i try getting back with him even though i have a feeling it’s going nowhere?
It’s not going nowehere if you are both offering a sacrifice, that is you decide if you miss him more than you love him. If you realise you love him rather than miss him, tell him that you appreciate him. If you want him back as a lover or friend make it a habit to remind him that you do or did appreciate him. Fighting is just passion after all.
I used the Nc for 2weeks then he sent me email saying he wants to see me and I ignored him then he called me saying he wants to come see the baby then he came and I was soo cold to him and ddint communicate bwt nything in our relationship oor bwt reconcile,a day after he sent me another mail saying he coming on saturday to visit, I haven’t responded because I dnt wanna break my rules(No contact),I want him back but now I dnt know what to say to him,should I say Yea come over or keep quite? How long should I keep shutting him out? I’m desperate and I dnt wanna loose him czhes dating someone now. Please help me out.
Kwena, your in a good position even if he is dating as you don’t look desperate (for his company or a rebound). You should keep looking after yourself, keep looking good and when you see him again, go for a coffee or something. When you guys hang out and start laughing and having fun, hint that you guys were so good together. He needs to remember why both of you are awesome. Keep him hungry but be fun when he’s around you. As a guy, I’d be gutted going home saying to myself “****, that girl was awesome why am I not with HER!”.
You shouldn’t hang out for long, and if you hint that you are dating/something going on in your life, he’ll hurt, as he’ll feel he can’t have you despite you being great (both how you look and are to him). Stay patient and in control Kwena, your lucky you can now communicate with him when you want (I’m jealous your at that stage! ) – don’t screw it up by letting him think he already has you (therefore taking you for granted, his ‘back-up’ plan).
I’m 3 months pregnant and my boyfriend has been having crazy panic attacks for the last month. He says he needs to “stand on his own two feet”. We have been having contact as we live together, but have broken our lease, and I’m moving into a new house with my parents. I’ve been trying to limit contact to what is absolutely necessary. Whenever we see each other, we both start crying (he is a total tough guy, so the crying just undoes me!) I’m looking for a second job and trying to gear up to be a single mom, but I love this guy with all my stupid heart and I want him to figure his midlife crisis or whatever out and come home. How do you do “no contact” when there is a baby on the way, bills to work out and a household to divvy up?
Hi,
I and my ex fiance broke up 3 yrs ago. I made a mistake and kept on calling him and the more i went after him the more he go away from me. Now after three yrs i contacted him and told him to give me a call. He did call me and we decided we can be friends. He finally met me and he was all over me and touching me and kissing me and told me he missed me and asked me if i missed him or not. He told me he has a girlfriend. He still wants to see me again despite having a girlfriend. He said he cant have relationship after me. After the meeting, I text him and he responses. He has never texted me. Does he still love me or want to get back to together?? Is he lieing that he has a gf or being honest. I dont know. Please help!! Should I continue talking to him??
dont let him waste your time use your brain ur just a bull ant there are higher powers at work here at the sign of him stuffing you around give up cause hes not real or truthfull. get a brain make good judgment dont be niave noone is going to help you for being dumb and innocent u will wear the pain. its takes 2 to tango if he stuffing around move on i no its hard but he thinkg ur a pice of shit thats why he moved on and dont beilive any bullshit garge he got to say actions speak louder than words
I have been trying for 2yrs. to get my ex/baby mother back and she keeps telling me she wants to get back togeather and then she told me no after makeing ot sound so convinceing what do I do and for some reason one minute she is really nice and at other times she is really mean please help me here she is driveing me crazy and stressing me out
My ex and I dated for close to 3 years. He treated me bad, broke up with me numerous times (sometimes a few months at a time), cheated on me, lied to me and mnipulated me…but the whole time he told me that he was in love with me. Every few months he would leave me and go back to his ex and then after a couple months he would contact me begging to come back. He said he made all those mistakes because he didn’t want to accept the fact that he fell in love with me. Now, we’ve been broken up for close to 2 months and I have had no contact with him since June 27th…I didn’t even call him on his birthday (July 17th). I don’t know if he’s seeing anyone or not and it’s killing me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m still in love with him and I miss him like crazy. I constantly have the urge to call him. Should I finally break down and call him and tell him how I feel or should I keep going through life with a hole in my heart? I hold out everyday thinking he’ll contact since he always eventually has in the past. I’m not sure what to do anymore…I feel really lost.
sadly i understand and feel ya.
Maybe this time he is waiting for you to contact him. Try it. If it’s meant to be things will work out for the best.
Hello all,
Ok I am going to try and be brief about this, try…my ex and I had a really nasty breakup and I was the one that initiated the breakup (in part) only to find him cheating on me when I asked for a break NOT a breakup….so in a nut shell that is our breakup story. I still love this man whole heartedly and for a while there was zero contact from him. Of course I contacted him telling him I would always love him, that he hurt me, that I wanted him to apologize for what he did, to admit his faults, the list goes on and on…of course not much to my surprise NO response for him. Then after some emotional and reckless thoughts I trying to use sex as a bargaining and for a reason to be next to him (pathetic, sad, and morally wrong I know) well this must have peaked his interest in and he began to talk to me again, but never in a kind gentle way (especially when we discussed our breakup! Of course he was plenty ok with sexual dirty comments), but we slept with each other 1 time this past weekend. I also returned the items I accidentally had of his and I could not hold my tongue any longer exclaiming “why did you cheat on me? Why did you did do this to us…” Of course all the while I was divulging how much I loved him and trying, what I thought was right at the time, admitting my faults and asking why he couldn’t admit his and to just apologize for his wrong doings!! Oh so confusing. So obviously this end up with us in a fight and with me storming off. Not even seconds later he sends me a seemingly cold message “…all the reasons I was so unhappy are coming back to me….” At first I did not think I would respond, but I eventually did. Now that I finally got him talking since there had been zero contact from him since June I thought I blew it and now once again there is negative attention again. So it seemed like he was giving me the cold shoulder again so I resulted back to using the sex routine to get in his mind again. Suddenly he messages (instant message via phone) saying sorry he was at work….Ok so finally I can get to my question(s). I convinced myself to calm down and to not message him….well he message be around 6ish last night asking some rude questions about even more stuff he thought I removed from our apartment (I moved out obviously and I already returned the items I had of his after our only 1 time sexually re-unitment this past weekend). Well I decided to not to reply. Then around 10:45 he instant message me again saying “No Comment”….also apparently during this time he was message me he also messaged my best friend asking her if she wanted to still talk with him about the situation with me….so then I get yet another message from him around 11:45 saying “Guess Not….So you wanted to talk so much, now it’s the cold shoulder….I believe he also messaged my best friend again during this as well. So I still left the message unanswered!! Then the last message I got from him last night (early this morning around 1:15) of him saying “Guess you’re just ignoring me now…I don’t understand, you wanted to talk this morning, and then nothing…Did you really even want to talk things out and work out everything between the two of us?” Obviously I’ve yet again have not relied back to him nor have I received any message from him since that last one last night…
I am trying to apply this no contact rule in hopes to win him back (nothing else has worked as noted above except negative reactions and behaviors)….so now I don’t know what to do. I guess in theory I’ve just now started the “no contact” theory of course without notifying him of this, but it’s the very last message that is throwing me for a loop. I do not want him to think that I am ignoring him and he has NOT message me since that last message at 1:15 this morning, so what should I do? Do I reply back or wait for him to send me another message and then reply OR do not even reply at all even if hypothetically he were to message me later on today? Please help!!! I love this man and I hope that very soon we will be able to work things out in a very positive way of course!!! Sorry for the very long message! I didn’t think I could get a true honest response from any of those reading this post without sharing a little bit if history. I hope to get some feedback soon. Thank you and best regards.
Hey guys me and my GF just broke up on sun. we have been together for a year and a half.. we both loved each other deeply but with that deep passion came brutal arguments. i was wrong in some aspects as to not really let her voice her opinion all the time but then again most of the arguments were her fault. sometimes she would understand other times she would just be mad. the last few months we were really trying to make things work and it seemed like things were getting better but she had these bi polar moments where the next minute things were wrong for no reason. to make a long story short i saw that another guy had messaged her on her phone and when i confronted her about it she said it was a guy she met at a bar 3 months ago! I was so furios i left her house and defriended her on FB. Im not sure if it was just a comfort kinda thing or if there was some sexual thing going on but i miss her, We did love each other. Well the other day i was emailing her and texting her like crazy. I messaged her once this morning saying that im sorry for hurting her badly enough to go take comfort in another guy.today is 08/24. she called me right after but i was at work and couldnt answer the phone. i havent tried to respond or anything like that so far.its 8 pm lol.. now i know shes def a no contact person. will no contact work to my advantage or disadvantage???
So…does “no contact” means that you don’t talk to your ex even when he contact you first? My ex has been texting me, asking how I am doing or for random things. I haven’t called him, texted him or initiated any conversation first at all. But he tried to keep some contact going on.
What should I do?
If he is trying to contact you contact him back!! that’s how it should be…(him contacting you first.)
I am starting NC in a few days when the LOVE OF MY LIFE moves out and I know she will contact me. I know she will, simply to feel better about her self late at night or when her cool friends are not around and she is lonely.
I REFUSE to be her comforter when SHE KNOWS i would have HAPPILY been her knight in shinning armor for the rest of her life and she still TOSSED Me away like trash… I am so sickly in love and crushed but now anger is starting to evolve and I will NEVER show it to her but it some how comforts me.
DONT WAIST any more of your tears on someone who MAKES YOU CRY….
My ex girlfriend I brokeup about 4 months ago.we meet in London and became friends.2 years later we went back home to South Africa.we hooked and had a plan that we would find jobs get a place together and really make a go of things. My girlfriend found a job through my step mom and I had a couple interviews but no luck.I searched for 3 months and nothing.eventually my money was running out and my gf brokeup with me and said things weren’t working out.she felt she needed to be on her own,I was deeply hurt cause I felt my gf gave up on me and lost faith in us.
We kept in contact for the first 2 weeks .I moved to another city to try find work.I ironically found a great job with loads of potential.things were finally falling in place for me,but I didn’t have my gf with me to share it with .she was happy for me and said she brokeup with me cause she knew I needed to do something and I wasn’t going to do it if we were still together.we went on and off no contact accouple weeks here and there .she finally contacted me and asked me how iv been and ask me when I’m coming to visit again.I said I’m not sure,she said she would cone visit me in the summer.which I was excited to hear.she said she would let me know…
So what I asking is how do I get my ex to see im everything she wanted me to be and that in ready for her now. How do I get her to move to my city and give it another go?I really think she’s the one for me.please send some advice….it’s her birthday this month
It’s b
Me and my ex broke up late July, it was somewhat of a mutual agreement. She said she just didn’t feel it anymore, that something changed. We weren’t the most exciting couple, we stayed in a lot but we usually enjoyed each others presence. We hardly ever argued, which kind of concerns me – it’s healthy to fight sometimes right? Or normal at least. After the breakup, we still spent some time together, we were still kissy and lovey dovey for about a week. She went on a vacation with a girlfriend, we texted and talked, she still told me she loved me and sent dirty messages a couple times. The day that she got back, we spent the night together at her place. We didn’t get too intimate but we kissed lots – but she did ask me “why are you like this? all over me, you know the situation.” So we still kissed, fell asleep.
Next morning it was the same deal, kissing touching and all that, but she wouldnt “let me in”, and she stopped me and got out of bed because she says it didn’t feel right. Every since that morning its been downhill. I’ve had a couple of last kisses but that was forever ago.
I got to the point where I was blowing up her phone with texts and all, I guess somewhat in denial of the breakup, and she was getting annoyed with it, said some harsh things to me and I can’t help but to feel hated by her. What happened???
I’m starting this no contact thing today, I’m really hoping it works. I’m so worried she’s going to find someone else and then it’ll be too late. I’ve accepted the idea of not being with her anymore, but I still love her like crazy.
A little about us, we were together for just shy of 3 years, we broke up a couple of times but they only lasted maybe a week tops. I know she was crazy for me back when we started dating, she’d never been with someone like me (I’m a sweet talker), she’s used to not being treated all so well – whereas I treat my lady like a queen. Anyways… any advice, tips, whatever would be great. Thanks.
I broke up with my GF on saturday morning. She moved in with me about 3 months ago because she needed to save money.
She never completely got over her ex and I finally ran out of patience. She had emailed her ex saying she missed him and wanted to some day prove her love to him. She felt horrible about it and said she’d work on it, but refused to stop talking to him. (she owes him money, he’s going to take her dog when he has room, ect….) About a month later I saw she was still talking to him. calling him after I’d go to sleep, trying to meet up with him while he was in town…. I didn’t say anything… I let it fester.
We get along great and have a blast together. I know she loves me and I love her. She jumped in to this relationship too soon. She wasn’t looking for a boyfriend at all, but we really hit it off and haven’t looked back yet. The ex is definitely the thorn in our relationship and the cause of most the stress. How I deal with it is also the major cause of stress.
Last Friday she went out with her friends. she called me before she went out at 9:00 and said she’d probably only have a couple drinks. and that she’d text me in about an hour and let me know how things are going. 12:30 comes around, I finally get a text saying hey and asking if i’m still up. I say yes… no response and then she shows up at 3:30 in the morning. It hurt my feelings and it was the last straw. apparent her cell died after she got my “yes.” also she tells me she was having fun, she forgot to call…. it’s not a big deal. It hurt a lot, but I’m sure I magnified it because of my other feelings. she also has a phone charger in her truck…
I broke up with her. I reality I wish I would have just been able to tell her how much the ex bothers me and try to work on it. The minute I said the words I felt regret, but it was too late. A day later I wrote he a letter telling her how much I love her and that I’d like to work on it if she wanted to.
She is very open and has no problem talking… but she said she’s definitely moving out. That she would have talked… but not after being dumped. She said shell be out by the end of sept.
We’re still living together and we were able to have a nice, fun, mostly drama free night last night.
I got invited to go camping and I figured It’d be good to clear my head… I told I’d be gone for the weekend and she responded “…Okay?????…”
She seems fine with it now.
So Friday – Monday I’ll have the ultimate No Contact. no cell service… nothing. No contact wasn’t my goal… but here I am.
How do you think I should act when I get home? I’m thinking I’ll give her a big hug… let her know I missed her, and leave it at that. She knows I’d like to talk things out. I should never remind her of that, should I? I know I’ll miss her a ton. I’m sure she’ll miss me too. I don’t know if our relationship has any chance at this point… but I would like to at least try.
I think you should have a talk definitely. There is just too much unsaid and you’re going to be eaten up by it for a while until you get those issues out (the issue with her ex). I think a lot of it was her pushing you to break up with her too. Her behaviour reminds me of someone who is non-confrontational but will do other things to “disrespect” you and the relationship so you’re the one to crack.
I’d still have a talk with her, get it all out and if she still wants to pursue her ex, then you just have to let her. It won’t get any better until she finds out whether the grass is better on the other side.
Thank you very much for the reply, Ashley. Not sure if it’s the right decision or not, but I’m not going to bring anything up tonight. Unless she initiates. Today was the first day we didn’t text or call each other at all during work. She did call me this morning and she does have one more break at work. I hope we just have a good night/morning and then Ill take off until monday and get a feel for her mood. Im going to enjoy my damn weekend and clear my head. Wish me luck!
Well, you can consider it a failure. Last night started off ok…. Then it spiraled into our worst night ever. Biggest thing I remember is her telling that” I hope you’re happy with your life.” She took our pictures down this morning. Took her tooth brush and some clothes and will be gone for the weekend… at least. Well, good news is, I am happy with my life. Bad news is that im constantly thinking about her today and feeling pretty depressed. I tried so hard and still had an epic fail. It has only been 10 months, but I really felt like she was the one. Sucks, but im still going camping tmrw morn, damnit.
I broke up with my ex a month ago after I found out he was cheating,I tried to fix things with him but he told me he loved me but he doesn’t want a relationship with me (because I snooped around his things to find out if he was cheating). I have been in NC with him for the past two weeks (initiated by myself not that he has bothered to contact me or to find out about our child). Today I broke the NC because I needed information from him about our daughter as I was taking her to the doctor and I ended up telling him that I was ok with the break up , which to be honest I am and I have accepted that his relationship with our daughter will never be what I want it to be and that it’s up to him to decide what kind of relationship he wants with her, that I have forgiven him and that I am trying to built a life with my daughter. An hour later he calls me to find out how the visit to the doctor went but to my suprise I was so calm and collected and told him what he wanted to know nothing more. I was suprised that he even called, he hasn’t been interested in taking our child for visitation or even called to find out how she is doing and all of sudden he is interested after what I told him this morning? I want to continue with NC but how do I do that when we have a child together?
I just recently separated from my husband and we have a 2 yr old son. He tries to avoid my calls and texts. He does text me only because of our son. I have caused damage in our marriage due to my insecurities. He will be paying for a place for our son and I but he seems so distant. I always thought we had a good relationship but he claims he does not love me anymore. he can be kind on the phone but now about us.
I am sick to my stomach that its over and I have tried the no contact but its not easy when you have a child.
My now ex and I have been on and off for 5 years.. making this the second break up in those 5 years.. The reason things between he and I ended Is because I never officially got over the hurt from our past relationship.. So I kept finding reasons to argue and go through his personal things (i.e. phone and emails) We broke up about 5 months ago but in these 5 months we were sexually active and very affectionate toward one another.. about a week ago I complained about something I didnt like and he shut down. and a couple days later I look on a social network seeing his ex (before he and I started dating) imply that she was with him.. I really love him and want to work on being a better me and get over the past in order to have a great future with him.. but is it too late? have I lost my chances.. even tho he has told me he loved me recently? please help
I don’t have an answer for you, but I feel your pain. I don’t understand how someone can say they love two people at once. Obviously they know they hurting both, right? I guess it’s not that simple. Just consentrate on bettinging yourself and the right thing will happen.
He’s not an ex, just a guy I met at work, we instantly connected, we flirted, he left work under stressful situation, the last day was aweful, he was angry and took it out on me, before that we flirted via text and phone.
On that final day he sent me a text advising me he wasn’t interested and not to contact him.
3 weeks after that I send him an apology card for my actions (still really don’t know what I’ve done wrong here but tell him the truth that no one else would) he didn’t respond.
Since then he’s started a Facebook page, I only know this as he sent an email out to “everyone” apparently with the link and it’s got his nickname for me on there, all about love, loss and heartache. He misses his shorty etc…
So after 8 weeks should I break the ice and send him a text to test the waters? Or should I just now let sleeping dogs lie, he wasn’t that into me, the situation was all wrong for us and just for me to move on?
Any help and advise greatly appreciated.
I had been going with my ex for around 3 months, we met on a dating site spoke probably a month before meeting. When we met he had an issue with my weight and claimed that I had tick 9/10 boxes but the weight was an issue for him.
I had resigned myself to the fact that we would not be together but a day or so after our last date he called to say that he had been thinking all day and he considers himself extremely lucky to have found someone like me. That if we are not allowing race and religion to come in between us we certainly shouldn’t allow weight to separate us.
I have an issue with my weight and had been meaning to do something about it for some time but never found the courage to do it. He was very supportive and joined a slimming club with me took me to the gym and I started to make great improvements…
The relationship blossomed I met his child and he met mine, we were very good together although I always questioned whether he was really happy with me because of the weight issue… I am of black origin and he is Caucasian, this was my very first biracial relationship and this also took me a while to get used to. You never know how truly prejudice people are until you start dating outside your race.
He made me laugh all the time and I think he would share the same sentiments, but there were always niggling doubts, he suffers from depression and some erectile dysfunction which was also an issue for me but he is such a beautiful human being … I saw pass that, I figured we’d help each other through whatever life threw at us…
We planned on going away on his annual family holiday to France, I did think it was way too soon to meet and stay with his entire family but it was important to him so I agreed. He also invited me to his sisters BBQ and I went, although I really felt it was way too early…
I went, and really enjoyed myself; I had met his sister the previous day and thought she was great; it was her bday so I bought her the best orchid I had ever seen… Which I hoped she appreciated.
At the BBQ I watched as he played with my son and his daughter and thought, I could spend the remainder of my life with this man…
The day after as we sat in the park, I asked; Do you want to be with me and without hesitation he answered yes, more than anything…
And I knew there and then I wanted to grow old with him, irrespective of all the odds, I wanted to wake up next to him every day for the remainder of my life…
We started to do so much together hospital appointment PTA meetings, baking with the kids… It all felt so right, then the hazy dream was over and the nightmare kicked in.
A few days after BBQ he called to say that his sister said that money and jewellery had gone missing and that she thought it was my brother’s girlfriend/ brother who took it. I was so upset, we were the only minorities at the BBQ and it was attended by at least over 3o guest…
My ex was supportive and stood by my side but this got heated, I said a lot of hurtful things… I ended the relationship, claim to regret having met him etc…
By the following day I felt so remorseful and apologised sincerely but by then I think it was too late as the weeks passed I watched him slip away from him. The walls became impossible to penetrate..
In the end he broke it off, saying he was no longer happy and that it would be unfair for him to stay in a relationship that he wasn’t happy in. That he would no longer be able to give a 100%.
That he loves me but he is just not happy… I have been trying to recover ever since…
Days later I found out that I am expecting, he is still firm in his resolve, and I am feeling rather hopeless…
What do I do? How do move forward?! I love him ever so much but he has completely shut me out, his sister has encouraged him to advise me to have an abortion… I am having a little boy, his first son and he has totally shut me out…
I’m sorry if this is so long, but there is a bit of background info before the actual question.
My ex and I were together for almost 2 years in a long distance relationship. There were points where I basically went & lived with him.We have gone through…just everything w/ each other. After May we just hit some real rough spots from accusations of cheating, abuse/physical fighting/stabbing, suicide attempts, &well yeah it got pretty bad. Staying at his house, well lets just say it closely resembled prison. (ex:peeing in cups, hiding in cupboard) & just felt so locked in there, yet I continued to stay/come back. I became mentally unstable b/c of him, having to keep everything to myself. In the midst of this, he proposed to me, saying he had been thinking about it for a while, regardless of all we were going through, he wanted to marry me. He told me to pick out a ring, I never did. One day, I broke down in front of close friends & this guy, who has been chasing and competed w/my boyfriend 2 years ago for me. The weird thing is, this guy is seriously in love with me & never gave up. He stepped in from that point on & we started seeing each other, but never had sex or anything like that, it was more of a mental comfort type thing. I started spending more time with him & realized the crush was still there on my part..I felt happiness I haden’t in quite a while. For a month or so I was left to choose between one of the other. Obviously, I chose to stay with my ex, this was just temptation, I loved my ex too much to hurt him.
Well, about 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me. He didn’t really give a reason, & when I went to go pick my things up from his house a few days later, he was flip flopping, he was just SO confused. He said he didn’t want me, I was incapable of making him happy, then he said he loved me & getting back with me will make him happy. For the next few days our conversations went as such…him going back and forth with himself. He asked me to go to his house and hangout…I did, we talked. He was even more confusing than before. He looked me in the face and told me that he wanted me, I wouldn’t be there if he didn’t love me….he had one of my bras hanging up on his wall too which was odd…then he told me, not right now, he needed a break, he thought about this two months ago and spent that time coping the breakup before it happened… lets be friends. I left telling him, we cant be friends & there will be no contact.He PLEADED for me not to leave his life & asked what it would take for me not to leave his life.I left & went to ask the other guy out. We’ve been dating since. Not too long ago, during the 3 weeks I discovered my ex is dating some other girl. I was SO hurt, but realized I did the same thing. It was better that I give up& move on, even though I was still SO in love with my ex. I know I never stressed the fact that I love him but it’s not something I can gauge with words. My heart hurt and I was physically sick for 3 weeks, even after dating the other guy. My ex was on my mind 24/7….feelings have lessened.
Now 2 weeks ago in the morning at 7am, I got a call, picked it up without realizing who & it was my ex. He said “I know you said no contact, but I was thinking so heavily about you last night & I just want to say I’m sorry-” I cut him of saying Enjoy your new girl, enjoy your new life. Bye.
Then we started texting. He was obviously filled with regret& asking for me back, telling me that he wants me etc. I tried to stay neutral&& sound like I didn’t want anything more than to be friends, and if we were to have a future he’d need to grow up, I’d need to grow up. I told him maybe in the future we can possibly be friends. He said if we’re going to be friends I would pursue you. Then he said “I really really miss you. I’m selfish and I’m sorry that I left. I know you’re happier without me. Hell, I’d be happier without me. Love is a *****, never over.”
Speechless, I kept implying that I didn’t believe a word he was saying,& I even said the engagement/marriage thing was bs, & he said no, he was serious. I said, all I want is for you to be happy, regardless of what it takes, and if that means me not being in your life, then so be it.(&I really meant it)He continued on to say that he needed me in his life….
He would text me every once in a while, but I didn’t respond.
I responded to a text a week later and he hasnt responded.
I don’t know how to feel about this….should I just forget it?
He was with his new chick while telling me all these things…
My boyfriend of almost 2 years began to withdraw a couple of months before saying to me that he wanted to be friends, that he couldn’t deal with the drama any longer, says he still loves me, has some personal stuff that is impacting our relationship, but that even tho he loves me, its different that he just can’t do it. Says we met too soon.
The reason he left is that I was in an extremely abusive relationship where my son’s father really hurt me and is still causing havoc in my life. The divorce is closer to being over but the calls, texts, emails etc are constant and it is very hard to deal with the constant emotionally draining experiences that happen. My boyfriend was amazing and supportive and really stood by me but I had a hard time letting him intervene or be present with the negativity with my ex.
Finally my boyfriend ended it and since has expressed alot of hurt and pain about what happened and our break up but is still very clear it is over. He has called or texted every day or so. I am raw and broken, I didn’t expect for him to abandon me or at the very least not share his feelings with me. It was a huge wakeup call that I needed to change how I was dealing with my son’s father but my boyfriend says its too late.
Is there any hope? We both have said the happiest days of our life were together, is it really true that those moments weren’t enough?
i fall in love with my teacher who propose me first…after one month we meet and he kissed me but i was refusing to kiss me..he asked me why i should love him but how i reply when i dont now the reason,he asked me alot of questions but i couldn’t answer becoz it was our second meeting and i was feeling shy..whenever we meet he was giving me money..after some days he stop contacting with me.when i send massege he only reply wen i call he answer but he dont call me or send me massege..it was a nite i send to him a massege he replied and said when we meet tomorow what reward wil u give me?i said i wil give u a sweet reward that u wont forget,he replied and said wil u give me evrything?then i get soo confused that what he mean evrything.is this man want sex?i think too much,i asked him what he mean that..he replied and said ur sweet ur wise u can undrstand what i mean..i realised that my think is true all he want is sex i said to him that there is nothing sweeter than my love for u..after that he start abusing me and saying me let me slip am slipy so goodnite.i realy felt depressed and said to him am leting u free and its true i deeply love u but u wont undrstand me..after that i dind contact with him and also he dind..i really want him back to my life what i do to make him back….please help me
Ok so I NEED some help and some advice please….I wont give too much back ground history, but basically my ex boyfriend and I broke up in June and it was a nasty, nasty split. Well in the last 2 months or so we started to communicate again and it just became even more emotional, confusing, painful, etc…so after tons of research and several ebook purchases later I decided to implement no contact. So this past Satuday I sent my guy a text message that was as followed:
“I’ve been thinking…I really believe that breaking up was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make & I need some time to think them over. I really would appreciate it if you would not contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.”
He did not respond right away, but a few hours later he sent me a text message basically saying that he was confused why I suddenly didn’t want to talk to him. So then Sunday comes and goes and then Monday evening he called me, but did not leave me a message. Then moments later he sends me this:
“I know you said you wanted time to think, but I did want to talk to you so I figured I would try to call. And I did want to talk to you last Thursday…I was just confused and more or less scared. The feeling I have and always had for you are really terrifying at times considering what all we’ve just been through. It’s all very hard to understand and deal with. I don’t know why you don’t want to talk to me now, but at the same time I suppose I can understand. If you’d like to chat for a minute I’ll be around for a little bit.’
So per the no contact rule I did not respond even though I badly wanted too. Then Tuesday, the next day, rolls around and he tried calling me again and then again. I didn’t not answer nor called back. He did not leave a message either. Well yesterday (Wedneday) of course he was on my mind constantly and I began to wonder if he would be upset that I was ignoring him so I decided to send him a message just basically reaffirming that he doesn’t need to contact me during this time and that I still needed time to think. Of course he did not reply back. I tossed and turned all night and even dreaming about him so I woke up this morning feeling a great need to asking him something so this is how our text message convo went (carried on pretty much through out the entire day until now)
(me) “I am curious though….what is it that you are wanting to talk about?”
(him) “I don’t know, just about us.”
(me) “Well what about us?”
(him) “Everything”
(me) “Yeah but did you have something specifically that you are wanting to say?”
(him) ” Well I miss you”
(him) “I don’t get a response?”
(me) “I don’t know what to say…why the sudden change?”
(him) “I never said I don;t miss you”
(me) “Yeah I know, but I don’t think you ever really said so before now either. What do you want or what are your intentions? Maybe knowing that would aid me in my “thinking” process…”
(him) “I don’t know and am still confused. I know how I feel for sure. I just don’t know what’s best.”
(him) “I think that’s probably more or less why I wanted to talk….”
(me) “well maybe we both should figure out what it is we want before talking further…”
(him) “You don’t know what you want?”
(me) ” No not really (of course I am screaming inside YOU, YOU, YOU!!!) I guess in part that has to do w/not knowing what it is you’re wanting or feeling….”
(him) “Welll that’s been my problem too…”
(me) “What has been your problem” –I was stalling I suppose
(him) “Not knowing what you want or feel”
(me) ” Oh..I really don’t know what to say. I’m confused too, but I am almost certain you know how I feel about you though. IDK…maybe we still shouldn’t talk until we know exactly what we want…”
So he never responded back and of course I am beating myself up at this point where I couldnt even make though while at work. Found it sooo difficult to even concentrate. My guy knows how much of an emotional pull or force he has over me (at least I think he does) and we have some a strong and chemical connections like nothing I have ever experinced before. I am certain he feels the same, but our break up was sooo nasty and painful that I know I am upside down about it ( I am sure he is too), but I am crazy for him. I am terrified I messed this whole process up in us getting back together and starting over. So as I am leaving work and since this was eating me up so bad I decided to send this:
(me) If you want to call I have a min
So nothing….he didn;t call or message me. Nothing. 15-20 mins goes back which felt like an eternity…so what do I do send yet another message saying this
(me) “Nevermind I am about to be over at a friends house so i guess we should just stick with what I said earlier. I’ll be in touch later”
Of course I am still going crazy and am an emotional mess thinking and feeling like I have screwed this all up but now he is still quiet and can’t understand that if he wanted to talk so bad that he would call or say something, anything. So here I go again and send yet another message trying to get a response out of him…
(me) “Have a question though…how come you’ve wanted to talk & suddenly the moment I said I had a min you don’t? I don’t understand”
Ok so he is still not answering me when earlier he was responding straight away and even went as far has telling me that he missed me and no he’s ignoring me! Why is he doing this. So then an hour or so later I tried to call…NO ANSWER!! UGH!! Why is he torturing me? Is he just playing game? I thought maybe he really is just confused, but then I start thinking why go and say what you did and seek me out to talk to me and then nothing? So I have been crying and an emotional mess with up’s and downs feeling one way one mins and think something different the next.
So I guess to get to my questions (I apologize for the long message/comment, felt I had to get most of it all out for you to understand)…have I screwed this up and did I mess up no contact and have to start all over? What do I do? How can I regain control (I was kind of doing well ignoring him and seemed to be getting better but then thought he would get mad that I was ignoring him) and get my guy back? What should I do from here on out? Ugh! I just wish someone was right here with me giving me a play by play everytime something happens and how I should be reacting. I have NEVER been like this with any other guy before. I am usually a very strong confident person, but now with him it’s nothing I have ever experinced before and this is why I know this is the guy for me even though we had some very difficult and painful time (which I wont go in to for now), but any and all help would be much appreciated it. I could go on with the questions, but I just want someone, anyone to tell me their thoughts and whether I have screwed this up in getting him to come back and to tell me exactly what I need to do now!!! Thank you!! And I am sorry that we are all here for very sad and painfull reasons for loosing a loved one!! We must still together and lean on strangers b/c I know my friends and family would not understand this and are telling me to run from him, but the heart want what the heart wants. Good luck to you all and I hope to hear from some one soon!
*fyi while I was typing this my guys replied back saying “Hey sorry I’ve been busy for a while”
Still need to know what to do!!! Should I keep the lines of communication open or just completely ignore? I was starting to feel like I was starting to get my emotions in check again after sending the empowering no contact message, but then with the emotional messages we shared today has me feeling weak again. Please help. Sorry I am going to end this here. Otherwise I will keep going and going.
I think you did pretty well in answering him up to the point where he stopped responsed and you tried to call him. It’s pretty much a push and pull game. My ex-bf did the same thing to me. Once they know they somehow got a hold of you, they will be reassured that they still have a chance and reverse back to their prior-scared mode. However, it could be that he truly was “busy.”
Here’s my personal experience, if a guy isn’t willing to work out something with you as in initiate to finish the discussion (this could take days) but keep disappearing or avoiding it in many ways, then he isn’t ready to work it out with you.
Keep the NC.
Remember, you are the chooser, not the choosee. Keep a clear mind and think about whether he’s worth getting back. Some people show their true colors during these times.
Oh Anne, you are my saving grace tonight!! I have been driving myself mad crazy!! (I am typically not this way, but for some reason he just has this force over me, which I can’t even put in to words)…Since writing this post we messaged back and forth a little more on Friday and he even told me that he still loved me and we shared some pretty sweet texts back and forth so we then we arranged to talk. He called Friday (of course he tried making excuses that he would try since he “was so busy” and all) but the conversation went well. We talked about catching up and then went in to “our relationship” and the mistakes we made so I decided to put a close to it and end the conversations (30 min long convo–he is a talker and lead most of the conversation) so I told him I would call him the next day and a few hours later he messages me “I wish we could have talked longer” Stupid me tried to play coy, but I still seemed to message him when I told myself over and over that I would not nor would I call him either. Well Saturday rolls by and here in the south College Football is a big deal so as our home to team was playing I sent him a very short message shouting for our team!! Nothing….So then yesterday, Sunday, he sends the following after I asked if he didn’t want to reply back back:
(him) “Sorry had a bunch of people over for the game last night and they didn’t leave until really late”
So I ended up sending him a long message telling him basically what I have told him in the past that I didn’t feel like it number one priority or number one person and that we shouldn’t talk any more (in short).
So of course he failed to respond to this too!! I swear one minute it seems like we are getting somewhere and are starting to head for a new start, but then there always seem to be some excuse (which I greatly feel like they are just that, an excuse and complete lies)!! I just don’t know what to do or even how to feel sometimes. I know I love him and I know I miss him, and I even know I made some costly mistakes while we were together (not near as much as he did), but how much could really change if I am the only one changing?!! So this morning as I am getting ready for work he fed me yet another excuse…
“Hey I got your messages. Sorry my phone has been dead (first off let me point out I know this can’t be true b/c he carries his phone around like it’s a pacifier). Having to stay at dad’s house while they are gone and forgot my charger at home. What all did you want to talk about?”
I don’t get it!! Is it bad that I still don’t trust what he is saying? I know he cares about me and loves me b/c like I said before we had a nasty horrible breakup where I was the one running and pushing, but even then back in June I wasn’t quite ready to give up entirely and hoped he would chase me, stop me, something…of course he did not!! I don’t know!! It’s all really hard, confusing, and has been the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to with stand, but thank you Anne….I really appreciate your kind and supportive words. I haven’t responded to his last message this morning and I suppose I will keep it like that for a while. So I do want to ask, how long do I keep NC going when we have already been broken up since June and I guess technically this would be my 2nd official time to really apply it? Have I applied it correctly the 2nd go around? It’s it something I will just know by his actions and words? If you don’t mind me asking how did everything work out in your situation?
You should keep NC until he wants to get back to you sincerely and ready to sit down and work it out properly with you. You can response to his message but keep it casually like a distant relative calling you. Keep a neutral mode. Don’t sound too eager or too distant. Ask him how he is doing like a normal friend. Let him contact you first. If he doesn’t reply to your message, don’t be too anxious to ask around for him but wait until he reply back. My ex took a week to reply back to me because he thought he already texted back and I was just ignoring him.
Personal advice, don’t get too emotional as in getting angry or upset when mentioning the break-up. Don’t blame anyone or anything when it comes to the break up even if he’s the one at fault. It will drive him away.
And hahaha, don’t worry, you aren’t the only one who didn’t get the ex’s texts back immediately.
In my case, we were dating for 7 months and I went back to my country for a summer vacation for 2 months. We argued a lot before I left the country and 1 month after that because I admitted I was being very needy and a bit unreasonable. Mainly because I felt insecure because he suddenly got in contact with his previous ex-gf a lot and one of his old crushes back in the day suddenly walked back into his life and they clicked very well.
One day, he told me that he wasn’t “ready” for a relationship and that he think I “deserve better.” In addition, he also developed feeling for the old crush so I initiated the break-up and told him to just pursue the other girl. A few days later, I asked him back but he refused (pretty much did all the mistakes, we shouldn’t have done). Was devastated for 2 weeks. I unfriended him on FB and did all I can to forget him. Found this website and followed the steps. It’s was a roller coaster. One day I thought I can live without him and the next day, I was super upset about the situation. Then I also found out that he went on a date with the old crush and they flirted publicly on his FB. I was pretty crushed and felt used.
After talking to my dad, I sort of regain my emotion and decided to just focus on myself. Yeah, when you don’t chase love, it chases you. He started texting me randomly for really random excuse. One day, I thought I was over him and added him back on FB. I was really happy that I thought I’m over him. He texted me and said that he missed me and that he wanted to get back together. I told him that since I’m still in another country for another month, let’s just use this as a space to calm down and really think before doing any impulsive decision. He agreed.
We didn’t talk for another week. He texted me first, asking how I was doing and stuff. We talked about our break-up. He gave me excuses and reasons on why he left me and blah blah blah. Since it’s my nature to make life easier to guys who have eyes for too many girls but saying “Choose the other girl, now you have one less girl to consider.” He got upset and it was heated. I was just tired of arguing with him so we talked again.
Then one day, he asked for a date to see how things are going now for us when I get back to town. I was hesitated and finally agreed because he kept saying “i like you more.” Then I saw him showering a lot of care and attention to the other girl on FB while he didn’t even know what I had updated a few hours ago yet pretty much on top of whatever the other girl posted. It’s a bit silly. We got into arguments. He said that they were just friends but he still liked her as a potential lover and because both of them aren’t looking for relationships so he didn’t pursue her. I sort of pushed him a lot and he shut down. He told me to cancel the date. I was upset and glad at the same time because I honestly cannot allow myself to get back to somebody who don’t have eyes for me and me alone.
Then I was annoyed of this heavy feeling in my heart so I talked to him again, saying that I was sorry for lashing out on him. We talked more and I finally got the true reason why he isn’t “ready” for a relationship and I finally got the problems out of his mouth. I can now say I understand why our relationship went bad. (I suspect this was the problem but he kept denying it before and only now he finally fed up with my pushy attitude that he said it out loud)
I apologized for whatever bad things I did to him and said that we should hang out sometimes when I get back. Ending our last conversation that this was it. None of us is trying to patch things up. I also stated that if he ever decided to pursue the other girl, I would support him because I wish only happiness for him.
Mind you, all the whole push-and-pull game about textings and failed to response and all the “sorry sth happened” were there during this whole thing.
During those times, I got to think more about what I want in a relationship and whether he can bring it to me or am I just settled in a “comfortable” relationship. I realize that both of us contribute to the break up. I was being needy and he wasn’t “ready.”
I realize that even if we get back now, the current me will still bring him misery with my insecurities and neediness. Right now, I’m doing my best to take my mind of him/getting back with him. I try to treat him casually and just pamper myself.
After all, true love doesn’t just happen and always be there. It’s actually a high-quality love product coming from TWO people who treasure each other and BOTH try to work it out. I guess it’s an “advanced” level of love that not many people got to that point yet. And “true love” isn’t just a fixed label. It’s a life-time process to maintain it too. And you were right, if it’s just you who is doing the work, it will never work out. Basically two good people don’t mean they can be a good fit couple. They can be “bad-fitted” too.
And trust is a whole process. Don’t worry if you find yourself unable to trust him right now. It’s natural.
So right now, I’m focusing on myself and doing all I can to slowly start changing what I don’t like in myself, what I should improve. For my own sake. I start reading a lot about the art of loving yourself. I’m making plans to do things I have never done before ‘cuz I used to be scared or hated doing it.
“If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken.”
I’m not sure I still in love with him, considering that I have not seen him for a few months aside from some pictures and his activity on FB and some texts and chats with hatred for him. I don’t feel the butterfly when I see his pictures anymore.
I listened to happy songs and one of them is “Haven’t met you yet” by Michael Buble and it lightens up my mood very much. Keeping hope that someday, I will meet someone who deserve my love, someone who can say “I’m glad you didn’t get back to your ex-bf.”
I hope it helps. You can only change yourself. Why bother trying to change somebody else? When you inspire somebody, after all it’s THEIR decision to change.
You don’t need a man to be happy. Only when you are happy with yourself and you can live without a man to make you happy, that’s when you will see that the path to happiness is actually only one thought away. Some people who rushed into relationship will then find that they hold onto those relationship for the wrong reasons.
He was my first relationship so I didn’t know how to keep it. I let my own selfishness and naive thinking abuse the relationship and I lost it. That was my regret so I’m changing myself for the better so I will know how to treasure the next relationship.
Just remember, you have to be the chooser, not the choosee. Don’t let yourself settle in any relationship because it’s safe and comfortable. Settle because you know it’s right and you choose it (not because you begs for sb to stay in it with you) I hope it helps.
I’m proud to say: I’m a sucker for romance and I’m a happy single girl. The luckiest one in the universe. And you can be one too.
Well me and my girlfriend were together for 1 year and 2months we had our ups and downs, she live with me and I lived with her the majority of our relationship, well oneday she decided to move back Into her moms because she missed her, then a few days later we decided to go to my brothers house, well there she thought everyone was talking bad about her, my brother did say some very hurtful things to her because he was drunk and high, then she broke down,and we left, she broke up with me on the ride home saying she is tired of my family, well aday later she found out overthr phone by a doctor that she could be paranoid schitzoprhenia , well a few days later we hung out and she acted like my girlfriend, and even talked about sex and how we needed to wear condoms, (she use to always say she did t know what she would do with out me even a few days before all this) and then the next day I found out she was talking to someone, and I was so hurt, because she told me she want talking to anyone, I really don’t think she is talking to him like that I believe what she says, I know she loves me well two days later I tried the no contact and it failed and I called her and I fustrated her and annoyed to where she would cut me off say Idont wan to be with you out loud. Well then then the next day I told her I wanted to talk to her in person as adults, and she said why? I tried to talk to you, talk about what? We are done I’m coming to get my stuff,. So I told her to come get some of her stuff now out of anger, and she did , I exchanged words and she seemed annoyed and I said do u love me and she Said yes, and she said she is attracted to me,we texted and she said I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I said ok, then said I won’t let you , she then told me yea, because we are t getting back together ( maybe out of rage) so idk if the NC rule will work I will try it, I know she loves me and I think she just wants me to do something with my life and not be a lazy bum, I recently had a interview and believe i got the job, her sister says she seems upset and that giving her space is the beat idea. Idk I’m just scared to lose her forever.help
I am aboslutely devastated. I met the perfect and dated for 6 years.. 3 years into we moved in together. she wanted to get married have kids, but one day during mrriage i mentioned a prenup. i hurt her deeply.. i didnt know what i was thinking. i was always shwoing her i was sorry, that i loved her in doing things for her and always being there for her. we lived together 3 more years, but she always had this sadness. she moved out yet we were still dating… and we broke up 10 days ago.. i learned today but i always knew this that she told a friend that she wnted to marry me but i didnt want that. bfore she moved out i had been paying for a ring and i proposed but she was so sad and cried, she didnt understand why i hadn’t done it so long ago. she moved out but we still dated and she said she needed to see if she could make it on her own. she would always mentioned that this house wasn’t her and that the home didnt feel like her place.
words can not express how much i love her.. they can’t.. i irritated her last week becaus ei kept asking her if she loved me, (she usually responded yes)… anyways it was late and she broke it up.
she hasn’t contacted me and everything i read has told me to give her space and just leave her alone..
we go to the same librayr study group 3 days a week..2 days we go at differnet times.. and saturdays at the same time. same class but its a large group. i didnt go over a week ago, because i figured she needed her space..
i dont know whether to go thsi saturday do my thing and leave.
but i have left her alone.
the relationship was almost 6 years.. i never treated her bad.. but she is hurt very very deep, i gave her the idea that money things were more important than her and although i express hwo deeply i loved her and nothing mattered to me, no objects more than her. she said she had to do this for herself.
I am dying ins ide.. everyone says this will pass regardless of the outcome..but i know in my heart of hearst that i love her beyond anything describeable..
do i give her space?
6 years is a long time.. she doesnt call me.. she broke up with me.. does she miss me?
i would help her with anything, because that would always bring a smile to my face..
recently she had prayed to God in front o fme and told me how much she appreciaetd and was thankful for me.
I am sooo confused..
;(
How do you get over the jealously and pain of your ex leaving you for someone else, and then getting back with them?
My ex and I broke up last week. I want him back. I told him I wanted to be with him and he said he wanted to be with me. The next day he calls me to say he is seeing his ex. He wants to still see me but I won’t do it because he has moved on so fast. I am devastated. I think that NC only works on people you don’t want. I want to do NC but it is very hard. I know that I need to work on myself and that it is what I am currently doing, but I still want to communicate with him and get our relationship back.
Hi Kat,
I really really really need your advise, im lost and it seems that you have a way of understanding relationships, so i need your opinion.
I was dating this guy for two months. We met and it was love at first sight. He was madly in love with me, and even his friends told me they had never seen him like that before, and i was for the first time in love with someone – over night literally.
It was fantastic, until i went away for two weeks, during my time away we talked and txted then he suddenly stopped . I was feeling so hurt and betrayed that he would just ignore my txt and calls, so i stopped trying to contact him. He reached back to me and explained that he has a crazy family dynamic, some of his sibblings on drugs, and one was recently put in jail, so he apologized, telling me that this is who he is. He shuts down on people, and need his own time to straighten up his family life. I was the first person he contacted in over a week. I sympathized with him and thought felt really bad for being demanding of him while he was going through a though time. As soon as i got back with continued talking and txting like before, we even hungout, then he disapeared again. I didn’t want to be demanding because the family situation is taking a toll on him and he is very emotional. After another week with no contact, i told him i “needed to talk to him”, he avoided me and said he will call me later. He never called. I set up a date to talk to him, he never came forward. Maybe he was ashamed as he had told me in the past the longer he avoided me, the harder it was for him to come back to me because he felt so bad and didn’t think i would take him back. So soon after that i wrote to him a long meaningful message asking him about our relationship and that i couldn’t do it anymore, since he isn’t showing any interest. I had told him that i didn’t expect a reply, only because i didn’t want to pressure him to talk to me if he wasn’t ready, i wanted to give him space.
He never replied.
After being friends on facebook for two months, i couldn’t take seeing him all over my news feed, it hurt so much that he would be willing to hurt me like that, and never say goodbye. I sent him a last attempt to reach out to him, told him i missed him, after a few hours with no reply, i deleted him as a friend.
It’s been four months since i wrote to him, and two months since i txted him. I miss him so much, my mind is playing tricks on me and my heart literally hurtss.
I started dating to compensate for the loss, many many dates. none went anywhere because all i could think of was him. Now im in a better place, im seeing someone, he is nice, he is kind, he is handsome and although we get along fine, i want my “ex” back.
I know he cared me very much , and so did I.
Is there a chance to ever get him back? or am i just delusional?
Thank you so much Kat for your help. S
what do you about the non contact when you have a child together
I have had no contact at all with my Ex since he left me. He broke up with me over the phone leaving me with no real explanation and spoke to me in a tone completely devoid of compassion or emotion. 2 weeks later he drove to my house with his father and left my stuff outside (not sure why a 25 yr old needs to bring his Dad to do this). I have not heard from him since and it has been a little over a month. After he left my stuff outside I have not tried to contact him either out of fear of what he might say to me. It hurts me 24/7 not talking to him or seeing him and the way he ended things really damaged me. I want to say something to him but my friends tell me not to and that he is not worth it. I am so conflicted, no contact and no closure or understanding is the most painful feeling in the world. Not to mention I just lost my job so now I have loads of space for it to bother me even more.
Hey all, just broke up with my gf (she dumped me, said we weren’t as compatible as we thought, also we both have codependency issues). We’re also coworkers and sit like 15 feet from each other. No contact is going to be hard, but it seems like it’s what we have to do. This seems like a good place to communicate my journey, and offer support to others.
The short story is that the break up was entirely my fault – we were together for 1.5 years, I lied and although he loved me deeply, he said that he cannot love someone he can’t trust. The breakup was in September, no contact through October and he just re-established talking to me on MSN in Nov.
He said a week after the breakup that he doesn’t mind being friends with me but that there is no chance that we will be back together again. He’s just started talking to me again and it’s friendly and laughing but I have to assume that he has already or is trying to move on at this point since it’s been 3 months.
Different relationship guru’s and books and friends all have different advice at this stage. Clearly I still want him back and am willing to take the time and effort to regain his trust.
Is it actually better to do no contact and let him miss me and initiate contact at his own pace? I don’t want to be that crazy ex who keeps bothering him until he labels me a stalker and stops even talking to me at all. But the risk is that as more time passes without contact between us, my presence in his life will just fade more and more.
The other option is – since the breakup is because I lied, would it actually be better for me to keep in contact maybe once a week just sending him short messages to show that I’m trying my best and I truly care for him? Obviously I won’t be saying I love him I miss him but just small things to keep in touch and keep me in his life.
I know there’s pros and cons to both ways but to guys, which would be better really? Thank you in advance!
i am in the exact same situation except im the guy who has been dumped because she couldnt trust me
This happened about 2 months ago and all i did was try win her back, tell her i’d do anything but she will have nothing to do with it. It even got to the point where we were out and both drunk and she attempted to punch me. I know this sounds crazy and stuff but i just cant give up, like why would someone show that much emotion of they didnt care? A week ago after texting each other just mean stuff i said i cant do this tough act anymore, clearly i love you so much and wanna be with you, and she said she wants to be friends she just needs space. I have officially started my no contact since that day and its so hard seeing her on facebook going out and having fun, when i dont know if she has any feelings at all for me, and if she really is just moving on. Should i just wait for her or are my chances literally 0%.
Hi Ashley!
I have been reading the news and excellent advice on your site and you are nothing short of amazing!!!! I need advice on dealing with a HOT AND COLD ex boyfriend. we have been civil for the past month and over the last week, he was coming on strong i.e ( coming to see me at work and being flirtatious and asking about the family) He initiated this not me. He promised he would call over the weekend and come see me on Monday. I have not seen or heard from him since! The whole thing is weird. I never write these messages, but I would like your advice, and also wish to send you a longer message explaining things to tell me what to do ( the best route to take next)…
Please Help me Ashley!!!
Thanking you in Advance
I dated my ex boyfriend for 9 months before he broke up with me. It’s been about four months since we broke up and we do keep a decent amount of contact. He usually is the one to contact me first, and tends to keep conversations going. I’m now a freshman in college 8 hours away and he’s a freshman at a local community college. During Thanksgiving break, we hung out for like an hour and he wore the sweatshirt I got him for his birthday. He flirts with me a lot, but I don’t know what the purpose is. We’re 19 years old and if we somehow did get back together, it’d be a long distance relationship. Do you think we would even have a chance? Or should I not even bother? He never really gave me a good reaon for breaking up, and I don’t really know how to handle the situation. I do want to get back together with him, but I don’t think I can handle another spontaneous break-up. Please help
I’m hoping maybe you can provide me some insight on this. My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago but then remained in constant contact with me, even going to the extent of telling me that she loved me when ending phone conversations. I was still sleeping at her house (without any sex) and she was dropping hints of getting back together in what she would say. But a month after the breakup she said that it just wasn’t working and that we needed to not talk to each other…but she still wanted to do thanksgiving together — going to both of our families. We fought a lot before our relationship ended and we’ve fought a lot since we broke up. A week ago I got this sick feeling in my stomach and called her up after 3 days of not talking and asked if she’d been seeing this one guy she works with, but she insisted that they were just friends and that they talk. But the truth came out and she said that they had been seeing each other. The next morning she called me about a facebook status that I posted about starting a new chapter in my life, she was mad, thinking that I didn’t want her in that next chapter. I asked her to stop seeing this guy (I know, big mistake) and she flatly refused, said that nothing was going on besides just hanging out. Two days later I ran into some of the girls that she works with and they told me that they had heard from the guy that he had actually slept with my ex before thanksgiving. I freaked out and called her until she answered and she said that she was absolutely not sleeping with him, but she was pissed at me — even telling me that she hated me. The next morning she called me back to re-tell me that she was not sleeping with anyone. Last night I watched her daughter and when she brought her to me she acted like it was awkward to see me. This morning, I got a text from her saying thanks for watching her and wanting to know if I was going to watch her again next week. I didn’t respond to the text right away, but a couple hours later she showed up to my work to bring me the money for the phone bill (we’re on a family plan) but she definitely has other ways of getting the money to me and that awkwardness from last night was gone. Not sure what is going on at this point. When she broke up with me she said it was because she just needs to be single and figure herself out.
Her daughter is not mine, but we started dating when she was about 6 months pregnant so I’ve been there since day 1. I can’t go straight no contact because of the baby and I only get to see her on saturday nights now when my ex is working. One other thing that I think is a factor here: her best friend died of an overdose about a month before we broke up and someone told her that I said I was sick of hearing her cry about it, that’s when she started confiding in this guy she’s been seeing. (Then again, apparently he’s the one who started the rumor about them having slept together). I do want her back and I’ve acted pathetically, doing everything that this site says I’m not supposed to do, yet she still stays in touch with me.
Any thoughts? Can I get her back?
My girlfriend and I started dating in May of 2010 in which we met from her cousin who is also my best friend and whose family been living with for the past 2 years. She graduated from UCI and moved down her to complete a few classes and become an EMT. That summer after we began dating, I moved down to San Diego for the summer to work at a non-profit summer school program as a teacher. She made attempts to visit me during the summer but one weekend she completely blew up on me and began yelling at me in front of my friends which was off-putting after only 1 month and a half of dating so I ended things with her and continued with my job until it ended over summer. Weeks later we began hanging out and I started feeling completely comfortable around her again to which I said “I love you” for the first time and we began dating again, however word traveled to her family on her “crazy” incident. This kicked off my senior year of college to which I was a full time student and she was an EMT, yet we always made time for each other. The time came to visit her family, however I we got there incredibly late so I slept on her younger brothers bed while she slept on her own. That morning, I was met by her lawyer father who didn’t care much to talk to me along with sister who gave me stare down when I went in for a hug her and finally her brother who pulled a gun on me at the breakfast table as a means of intimidation. Any normal person would’ve ended things then and there but in that case I tried playing the exception. Then in December, I got to walk early for my graduation which she attended with my family who on the other hand, liked her. In fact, she surprised me with a cruise for a graduation present and would constantly say “your the love of my life”. As the new year began, I found myself not being appreciative towards her for all the things she did but I began feeling certain things a bit of disgust such as burping as hard and loud as she could. Towards the end of the school year I moved back to San Diego to teach at the non-profit again, and I also got back into contact with a few of my friends who were girls as I cut off 95% of those who didn’t want to befriend me for having a girlfriend and not giving all of my attention towards them. So when one of those girls asked if I had the same girlfriend, I said “no” and even though it was strictly platonic, I went about it in the completely wrong way. I realized it a day later but I did not want to lose her as a friend just like I’d lost so many others, so I kept up the lie. During this past summer while we were asleep, I discovered the next day that she had looked through my phone, saw those text and asked if I was cheating on her. I wasn’t but I could see where she was coming from so she broke up with me and told everyone what I had done (friends, family, co-workers). To an extent I felt liberated which she hadn’t spoken with me from mid July until mid August until I made the call to meet up and talk this out like adults. She blamed me for numerous problems I caused between the family regarding this incident and I accepted many of them. However, we began hanging out again, having sexual relations but told no one of this and I began feeling an intense feeling of regret for what I had done to her so I wanted to gain her trust back which she had ultimately lost. It became annoying at times when her friends or family would call right next to me and she would lie on where she was so I began asking if we where going to date again, so she said “in November”. to which I began growing impatient. One day I made the mistake of giving her an ultimatum of either we date now, or not at all to which she stated “she still hadn’t grieved the right way over summer about the break-up so we need to take a break”. I began feeling frustrated but 1 week had passed and I began to realize how bad of a boyfriend I was so I went to her house before she left for work with flowers and an apology saying “I know I don’t deserve a 2nd chance but I promise I won’t put you through the same problems we had before”. She said “I still need time and you should do the same”, so I said that was fine and that I wanted her to take that time. During those 3 weeks of the break I reflected on myself and realized I needed to change numerous things about myself and not take people like her for granted. I know they say if one’s personality is one way, they’ll act like that for the rest of their life and I knew this and I didn’t wanna be part of that statistic. However, after telling another friends girlfriend “she still loves me but doesn’t trust me” and that “shes noticed I’ve changed for the better but where was that during the relationship”, she sent me a text late night last Tuesday saying “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting and making you think I’d get back with you but I can’t, I hope we can still be friends”. I replied to her “I respect your decision but I am disappointed and hurt you would do this over text, I thought we would meet up but I guessed wrong. I respect your decision and hope you do well in your life”. Afterwards, I deleted her phone number as it was a reminder of her and found myself checking her Facebook every few minutes just to see how she was and I realized that was unhealthy and also a painful reminder so I deleted her as well. This past Friday, my best friend and I were getting ready for the gym in which she was there at the house, I knocked on her door and said “I hoped she was having a good day” and asked her some questions about some schools she was applying to making sure I did not mention “us” to annoy her in any way. She said the same to me asking how I was then she asked “why I deleted her from Facebook” to which I said “isn’t it obvious”? I wanted to tell her “I wasn’t being bitter but it hurt me just to see you” but I didn’t. The following Sunday (which was a few days ago) my best friend had told me he had bad news and that he found out she was seeing someone and it turned out to be her co-worker, the same one she carpools with which devastated me. I know how big of a part her family and friends are in her life and how they feel against me and I also know I don’t deserve a 2nd chance but is there anything I can do for myself to not keep obsessing over this? If she gave me a 2nd chance I would completely evaluate where my pitfalls came from by not making those same mistakes. I started back up at the gym and have begun work on my grad school essays along with hanging out with my friends to keep my mind off this but I can’t stop thinking about this. I miss and love her and have not text or called her to avoid driving her away but it seems she’s already moved on. Will she ever come back or is she finally over me. It seems like this is a rebound (but who am I to judge). I’ve been told to go on dates or hang out with other girls to see whats out there and I know there will almost always be someone better for me. I’ve also heard if I don’t act like I care as much or completely cut off ties she’ll come back. Anyways, this is my first post and I know this is a long story but I’d very much appreciate the advice because I really need it.
A few nights ago was the night before thanksgiving (in my town, its a reunion night) with my high school class along with those at least 3 years older and younger than I and she was there with him. He was the guy I saw on her camera, also a partner EMT (it wasn’t the one I originally thought) putting his arm over her shoulders, rubbing it them and introducing him to my best friend. I feel terribly enraged, not sure what to do! Made no contact until this past weekend in which I said via text “Hey I just wanted to say that I still care for you but I’m not gonna call or text you anymore because you’ve obviously moved on. Good luck with everything in the future” to which she replied a day later “Don’t think that I don’t care about you. I still do. Good luck with your interview (PA school interview)”. I’ve never felt as calm or collected as I have in weeks since this happened but I still want the chance to not only win her back but to prove I made mistakes but I would do my ABSOLUTE best to rectify them.
i was with my ex for five years he broke up november i just started no contact 2 weeks he hasnt got in touch i did do everything wrong begged pleaded, done stuff to get his atention, he told me he left his family dont approve he cheated last year i forgave him i done all i can for him , no that im in no contact im scred his moved on or just never comoing back he was firm telling me he would never get together plllzzz advice i am giving a brief bcuz i dont want to write along essay i have been faithfull 100 percent stuck by him in everthing the last time i did see him after begging him i acted like i was happy bcuz the times before i was a real messs plzz help would appreciate it xxxx
I had a fight with my wife of 10 years. She called the cop(she was not hurt though). She put charges against me for threatening and slapping her. I was arrested. I realized my mistake next day when she sent someone to bail me out. (I had wrongly suspected her of cheating me.)
She paid my bail money. Currently, she got my twins. She got CRO , prohibiting me to see them in school (they are first graders). I am allowed to call twice a week and see them once. It is hurting bad.
Initially, I thought patching up for kids and my love for her. She won’t listen. She emailed two weeks back on my birthday. I got excited and emailed her back. She responded two of them and that is it. I am confused what she wants.
Will NC work for me? We have been on less contact for 8 weeks now. (less == calling to talk to kids).
Would you say I stop calling kids altogether. Will that help more?
Hey guys I need some advice. Well I was with my boyfriend about 2 years. We had lots of things going on in our relationship but managed to stick together no matter what. Well we ended up having a precious baby boybbut after7 months of my son being born we both felt we had to split up because we both felt we didn’t love each other anymore. After a couple days of us splitting up I. Realized I had made a mistake because I wanted him bac but he still feels he don’t want to be with me anymore. Now there is this girl whom he likes and she likes him as well they hang out and everything but are not yet dating. I have spoken to him about what he wants and he just keeps saying he dosent want a relationship with anyone he just wants time to think and and decide who he wants in his life and what he wants to do. He’s very confused and just needs time. I have begged him even slept with him a couple of times and have cried over him a lot.he wants us to be friends but I keep getting hurt every time I find out he’s going to hang out with her and I just flip out on him making things worse. Well after a little I decided not to hangout or see him or talk to him for at least two weeks since I know in two weeks we have somewhere to go that we will see each other. Well we agreed on that but I’m so scared that he thinks I don’t care and then goes off running to that girl and falls for her more and more since they hang out a lot. What should I do? Do youguys think I have any chances yet?
So here’s my story.
Almost exactly a year ago today is when I met her. At the time she was one of the instructors in this 7-week training course I was taking. My interest were almost immediate – she, being the older woman, and the ‘teacher’ instantly filled two of my secret fantasies. Of course she was sexy, fun and outgoing to boot. Anyways, fast-forward to the final weeks of the course…She gathered up the courage and called me …came to my hotel room and the fun began. At first we both agreed that this was a no strings attached relationship (even though after date 3 she told me she loved me lol) but after a few days we both new this was anything but a ‘no strings’ thing. Days turn into months and next thing you know almost a year has gone by and weve been in bliss most of that time. Admittingly, it was not your typical type of relationship– she lives 4 1/2 hours drive from me, she is 6 years older than me, she has two children whom Ive never met in our 11 months together (she says she doesnt want to introduce anyone new until she knows for sure he’s the one) and in her defense, I never showed her any desire to make that next step and meet the family. I was definitily the one in charge of the relationship ( the one who cares the least is the one in charge…or so they say) It was because of this lack of committment that she always sensed hesitation in me – which is what drove her away from me- and so finally, she breaks up with me.
Then I find out that she has a new man in her life. Someone who, because of his job can only be with her 14 days and than away 14days. Someone who right off the bat wanted to meet the kids and be part of their lives (something I now realize was huge to her), she likes his take charge alpha male personality, and he has a lot more in common with her than I ever did. I found out that she has already met his family and parents. They spent new years together followed by a 4 day vacation at Niagara Falls with the kids, hes been staying her place since (its his 14 days off).
Here’s the thing:
before his 14days started with her I paid her a visit. I just called her and said we need to see each other one last time, and that a great relationship like ours deserved a proper ending face to face. I told her it was my closure. Really, i was just desperate, i was too afraid of losing her companionship, her love and attention and the intimacy and i said i wouldn’t take no for an anser. So after a 5 hour drive im with her again. Almost immediately we fall back into our old routine. Cuddling, flirting and genuinely enjoying each others company. I stay for the next 3 nights and im in bliss. Over this time she tells me she trully trully loves me, Im a great catch and a great person, shes hinting at introducing me to the kids etc… She even told me that shes terrified. When I ask why, she says, Im afraid im making the biggest mistake of my life (leaving me). Over the next few days we chat like normal and (her honest character) she decides to tell mr.new about whats happening and how she still has feeling for me and that she’s confused. He threatens to end their relationship and ‘poof’ thats all it took. She broke up with me almost immediately and has kept limited contact with me since ,although she wants us to be “good friends” (he’s staying with her for the next few days and contacting me while hes there is probably a foolish thing for her) but the days not getting her text or hearing her voice is just killing me. I keep thinking about “what are they doing right now” and “she hasn’t called so this means she’s already moved on and is over me.”
……I still love her, Im secretly pining for her and I daydream of the day were back to gether. He leaves for work again in about a week or so. My question is this… what should I do? Is there even a chance we could get back together? will NC work here or will it push her closer to him? Should I just let go and let them be happy? ….Im so confused. Im doing the best I can dealing with the break up and losing her but it gets really hard some times.
Any advise would be appreciated. Sorry its a little long-winded.
Hello people
I dont know where to start, I had one sore relationship in my life …..but i really thought that guy was not worth it and i moved on. this happend about 2 years back. I recently met a guy on the 17th Dec 2011 who was introduced by my collegue at office, The day i was suppose to meet him my car tyre bursted on the motorway. I saw this guy for the first time on the motorway…..He looked like a nice guy. Then we went and had lunch and spent the whole day with each other. He made me laugh like anything on the day one. A day later he sent me some flowers at office ..i was really blushing and i thought i really liked him at that stage….but i was always scared that he might get close and hurt me again in life. We then started going out every evening since 17th Dec 2011. I had a office party on thursday night thats was on 22nd Dec 2011 I requested this guy to drop me home bcoz i didnt wanted to drink and drive. I was a bit drunk but he was being nice to me and he dropped me home and we had a bit of a chat on that nite. but i think i baehaved bit stupid aswell…..as i was drunk. Next day we caught up and went to movies together and that nite he shared about his past life and he said he was in relationship with a girl for 5 years but she had an affair with a 40 year old man ..he got to know that so he dumped her for that reason. I told him about my past life too i said i loved someone who pretended to be single but he was married. but it lasted only for a year. On saturday 24/12/2011 – we caught at my collegues place for xmas ev party…he told me and his parents will be there. I met his parents and his mom even invited me to for xmas lunch…i was sober till his mom left and then i had couple of glasses of wine and i started talking in a high tone with his father ..nothing bad but i just said i wanted to the voice of animals and people shud treat all the soul alike etc etc. This guy convinced me and he dropped me home the next day morning. so i really didnt bother going to his place for lunch the next day. he didn’t call me eiether….i felt about talking ruce to his father so i wanted appologise. I sent heaps of txt msgs to this guy and requested him to convice his parents about us. on the 26th Dec 2011, I got a call from This guy and he said he managed to talk to his parents about me and he wanted me to go his place and meet his parents. I did go his place and applologised to his father. we then had dinner together and i came back home. On tuesday that was on the 27th Dec 2011. We started chatting on skype ….i have no clue why i kept on telling him that he is not passionate and etc etc….we dint have a fight but we were not very happy about the whole chatting stuff…..he then ended the conversation at nite and he didnt wanted to talk to that nite….i thought he might gtet better in the morning so i left him alone. Next day morning he didnt txt me so i called him on his cell phone and he told me me that he wants to break up. he didn’t give me any reason i tried to convince him over the phone but nothing worked. I then did the same mistake like every one i pleeded him and i said sorry for nothing …i tried to exdplain to him that this is just teething issues, i even went to his place to see him ..but he didnt bother to come out he sent his brother to asked me to leave him alone. I tried calling him million times since then no response waht so ever. I read about NO CONTACT RULE SOMEWHERE so i have started implementing it since last friday 6/01/2012, Seriously the whole relationship lasted only for a 10 days….but i just forget him ….i really really really love him. I know i have made few mistakes and i dint show my good qualities to him at all. Even thought its been only 10 days i feel that he is my Mr perfect. I really love him to bits and i want him back. All i want is a chance to talk to him once face to face. but unfortunately he is not picking my calls nor responding to my txt mesags. Please someone tell me what i shud do. This is killing I have already started smoking like mad ……which i never did before. PLEASE PEOPLE TELL ME HOW DO MAKE HIM TALK TO ME ONCE. JUST ONCE.
I’ve just initiated… well, not No-Contact, but Low-Contact. My ex and I have been apart for over a year now, actually — I broke things off in October of 2010 when I was in the middle of a clinical depression, because I felt like I couldn’t be a good “me”, much less a good “us”, and the breakup was very messy and hurtful to her for various reasons.
In February/March of 2011, I came out of my depression and realized I still loved her. In April we started talking again, and we went on a vacation in June which went wonderfully. All signs pointed to us getting back together again, although she said she wasn’t going to make any committments and needed time to think about things. She was sure, though, that things would turn out okay.
In August 2011, she started dating someone else, who was “just sex”. I was semi-okay with this, but we did fight about it. I warned her it wouldn’t stay “just sex” but she was sure she could handle it. She couldn’t. They’re involved now, but she was constantly torn between this other person and me, having feelings for us both. She came back to see me again (we live far apart, while she and the other person live much closer) in December, and just left last week. When she left, she cried for hours, calling me from the airport, saying that she still loved me and we were meant to be together, and why was it so hard for her to admit it and just move to be with me?
She’s been firm, though, that now is not the right time for us. She’s made plans to go to a psychologist and get help, because she feels miserable about herself and certain portions of her life. She says she loves me and knows that we would have an excellent life together, but she can’t “handle” a relationship right now — not with me, at least. The emotions are too strong, and she loves me too much to put me through her indecision and instability while she goes to the psychologist and tries to get things sorted out. She’s still seeing (for now, at least) the other person, although she’s not sure if she’ll continue and that also seems to be a wavering area of indecisiveness. The last I heard is that she wants to explore this other opportunity because she wants to see if I truly am her “one and only”, and if she can be happy without me. The way she talks, she doesn’t think she can be. She still constantly references “us” (me and her), still admits she loves me, just that she can’t handle things right now.
It kills me, it really does. I suspect that she, like me a year or two ago, has developed depression. The symptoms (insomnia, lack of energy, lack of pleasure in life, feelings of ‘I haven’t accomplished/can’t accomplish anything’, memory problems, indecisiveness) are all very similar to what I had. And I, too, broke off the relationship to handle my depression, because I simply couldn’t be an “us”. The difference is that when I left, I didn’t see anyone else, because I knew I simply wasn’t in state for any relationship.
So yeah… I’ve gone Low Contact. I wrote her a long email telling her my emotions and thoughts, and telling her I was blocking her on Gmail Chat (our normal way of communicating). I haven’t blocked her emails, and I haven’t blocked phonecalls. She has begged me to let her go and not wait for her, because (she says) she loves and respects me too much to make me wait when she doesn’t know how long it will take to sort things out in her head. I responded that I didn’t want to — I wanted to fight for us, for her — but if that was her wish, I’d try to respect it. So I won’t contact her, but I won’t stop her from contacting me.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to “Low/No Contact”… so far it’s been incredibly hard (and I’m only on day #2). And I don’t want to get over her, quite honestly, because I know without a doubt that she still loves me, and I still love her. Whether she will, still, in a year or however long it takes to deal with her issues, that’s another story.
But pretty much, I’m hoping that when I back off, she’ll realize what she’s missing in her life. Bad of me, perhaps. But maybe it will also help me move on, in case she simply doesn’t come back.
I broke up wth my ex about a month and few weeks back and I hav kept da NC all ths time, when we we’re still 2geda I neva showed him that I love him because I was scared he wud liv me or take advantage of me. We dated and when ever we got in2 an argument I broke up with him I did ths twice and da second time it caused for us to brake up he sed I acted childish and he was right. I realised how much he realy did love me after he left me and I still love him when he broke it off I told him I never loved him during the relationship because I wanted to hurt him too 4 dumpin me and I wanted to act strong after trien to fix this deperatly , I love him and I want him back I know he loved me too but I pushed him away, I wana know if I still stand. A chance with him, do u think he still thinks about me???? And when I contact him wount he remind me that I said I neva loved him???
The best thing to do is to have “no contact. It will heal your heart gradually without delaying to hurt your heart all over again. You will feel better about yourself if you are further away from your ex. Trust me, if you want your ex to return back to you, then it is a very high risk for you to take since you will have a heartache all over again and again if both of you and ex do not mean it for each other. Good luck!