You have probably heard about implementing No Contact soon after a break up and there are many articles and discussions about it all over the internet. It is one of those strategies that are extremely important but not many are keen to implement. It’s not easy to completely shut yourself off from the person you love. It’s a habit and a drug.
I think the first thing you’ll likely do is to rationalize why No Contact is not for you or why it’s not as important as others say. Let’s look at why No Contact is important and if it’s really beneficial for your situation.
What is No Contact?
In my opinion No Contact = No Contract.
Your relationship started with a contract that bound the two of you together in a mutual agreement to love, cherish, respect one another. When you enter a relationship you do so because of the benefits you’ll receive from the other person. Everyone wants to be loved, to be looked after, to be respected and to have their opinions count. That’s why people get into relationships.
What happens when your partner tells you they don’t want to be with you is a major slap in the face to you and all the effort you have put into the relationship. They’re pretty much saying the contract is up, their lease is over and they’re ready to move out and move on to bigger and greener pastures.
It hurts because your ex has ditched you when you still felt you were under contract for another few years or even indefinitely.
Now in reality you wouldn’t go crying and begging to the bank if they have rejected you or if a business rejects you. That’s not professional and their respect for you will pretty much go through the floor. Same thing will happen with your ex, though they will be a lot more sympathetic and they might even make you feel better through compensation. However this is never long lasting and often another break up will happen around the corner.
Now clearly things are never quite this simple in the real world. Depending on why your relationship ended, going straight into No Contact can be a negative instead of a position. What that means is sometimes you need to use your common sense and decide what you should do for your situation.
If your ex has left you it might be a lack of one or more of the following:
- willingness to share and contribute
- growth and expansion
Whatever their reason may be, you need to accept that you might never really know the real reason they’re leaving you. (Often they won’t really know either)
What To Do After Getting Dumped?
I don’t recommend going into No Contact straight away if you still love your ex and want your ex back. Why? Because if you still love your ex and you want to make things right, it doesn’t make sense to not try to get them back. But that’s not really the problem. I would think most people reading this would have tried already to convince their ex to come back; it’s the most natural thing to do especially directly after a break up and when you’re highly emotional.
Now if you were dumped the day before and it was a big shout fest where lots of unpleasant things were said and you woke up this morning feeling like crap and regretting the whole thing. I recommend settling yourself down so you’re not in a state of panic before calling. If your ex refuses to talk to you, whatever you do, DON’T keep calling!
Wait a few more days to try. You should never go on a txt message binge or anything of the kind. Now if you have ALREADY done that, then you should start No Contact right now.
The Truth Behind No Contact
A lot of people think once they have started no contact, that means if they talk or even acknowledge their ex at all from this point on, it means they have failed the entire process. Please don’t be harsh on yourself, if you set a bunch of rules that are unrealistic in nature (eg, like not talking to your ex if you work together) you are only setting yourself up to fail. Be flexible but understand your main intentions for going into No Contact.
Here are the main rules to follow:
- Don’t try to do anything purely to provoke a reaction out of your ex.
- Don’t initiate conversations that could lead to a ‘friendly’ relationship with your ex.
- Don’t call your ex to talk about anything other than when there’s a major emergency.
Another easy way to remember how to act is to think of your ex as a distant acquaintance you have neutral feelings for. You wouldn’t call or go out of your way to talk to someone you barely know and that’s how you should treat your ex during the No Contact phrase.
How Long Should No Contact Last?
If you’re going to use this rule to the extreme (not always recommended)
You typically use No Contact until one of two things happen:
a) your ex hints at wanting you back or
b) you don’t want your ex back anymore.
It’s not difficult in theory but people aren’t robots and we often misread signs or get too excited too quickly. Now the important thing to remember is if you do happen to make a mistake and it sets you further back, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world and mistakes will undoubtedly happen! Simply go back into No Contact and continue on knowing you have learnt a lesson from your mistake.
Now what will happen is that your ex will contact you and suggest to get together (or you might even suggest to get together). Go out and have some fun but in the back of your mind you should be thinking where this ‘date’ should be leading. If it’s not progressing towards reconciliation then you go back on No Contact and be honest with your ex about it.
Simple in theory but hard to implement in the real world (like most things).
Surviving No Contact
I won’t lie, it’s hard like a druggie trying to come clean. But it WILL get easier. The more you distance yourself and the less you communicate, the faster the healing will be. Clearly if you go complete cold turkey, you’ll make faster progress than someone who sees their ex everyday and has to make small talk out of politeness. If you want to get through it quick, consider taking a long holiday somewhere.
What I mean by getting through it quick is getting to the point where it isn’t so painful going through the day without talking to your ex anymore. You want to get to that stage where a few days might go by without having thought of your ex at all. That’s the best position to be in because to survive the break up, you need patience and you can’t get it if you’re staring at the problem every second of the day.
Want a secret formula to surviving no contact? Or how about how to STOP no contact all together?