11 May 2010 ~ 85 Comments

Signs Your Ex Wants You Back – The Hot and Cold Ex

In previous articles, I’d written about actual signs an ex is still interested in you and common pitfalls to watch out for (you can read those here: Sure Signs Your Ex Wants You Back and Signs Your Ex Wants You Back – Sneaky Signs Your Ex Still Cares ). With this article I wanted to take a different angle.

When you’re looking for signs your ex wants you back, you may find a few telltale signs that do not quite add up.

For instance,

  • Does your ex call you at weird hours of the day?
  • Does your ex regularly confess that they miss you?
  • Does your ex tell you they love you and you’re the one, but then completely ignore you?
  • Does your ex break up with you and then continue to call and ask to hang out like nothing is wrong?

If you’re finding a lot of these signs poking into your relationship, be warned! You’re dealing with an Emotional Tease and possibly an ex lover who is taking advantage of you.

People who display these behaviours are generally emotion-dependent on their former partners (you).

They do it for one or more of the following reasons:

  • To get over the guilt
  • To get over feeling lonely
  • To feel wanted, needed and loved
  • To feel as if everything is “back to normal” and that means, everything is OK
  • To not commit to anything that may ultimately hurt them

They tap into a weakness of yours, which is the part of you that wants them to want you, and uses that to get their own needs met.

Now, the part that you may be interested in… would they ever consider getting back together seriously?

Yes and no.

See, it depends on how you behave to counteract your ex’s behaviour as well as how much the bad weighs against the good in your partner’s eyes.

Your ex girlfriend or boyfriend need to feel:

  • They can trust you again
  • You’ve seriously changed and really truly love them
  • You’re willing to work on the relationship
  • They see a possibly renewed, refreshed and exciting relationship that is everlasting
  • They are happier with you and in your company than without you

I cover many of these aspects in my book, The Ex Recovery System and The Ex Recovery System’s 12 Week Bootcamp.

How you behave has a lot to do with mindset and what you’re doing to be happy with yourself and your own conscious growth.

It’s also important you do not fall into the friendship trap. Many people fall for this as they believe being friends mean that being extremely nice to the ex and doing everything for them will eventually make them come back.

Not always true!

If you’re currently stuck in this position and scrambling to find sure signs your ex wants you back, you are missing an important piece of the puzzle!

The piece is NOT whether your ex shows you signs, because like I have said above, your ex could be begging to sleep with you but that doesn’t mean they want to get back together. The thing you’re missing is HOW you can take back control and power over the relationship, so YOU are the one calling the shots.

The solution is laid out in a simple step-by-step manner within The Ex Recovery System. You can also check out The Ex Recovery System 12 Week Bootcamp for free as a bonus with The Ex Recovery System for 14 days.

You’ll discover:

  • How to first identify that your ex still has feelings for you using a simple method that works every-time!
  • Find out whether you should get back together with your ex, if it’s in YOUR best interest or not.
  • What to do if your ex is showing signs that they do have feelings but won’t commit to anything. How to turn the situation around so they’re begging YOU to come back.
  • How to regain control over your emotions, yourself and your relationship once and for all. Hint: the power comes from an easily accessible place that rarely anyone take advantage of.
  • How to get yourself out of the friendzone with your ex and STAY out of it.
  • Many more techniques and a plan that helps you mend your broken heart, regain your self-worth and happiness, and re-attract the one you want into your life.

Don’t wait! Get instant online access, all you have to do is go here:

Click Here For The Ex Recovery System & Get Your Ex Lover Back

Remember, there is also a 60 days money-back-guarantee. In case you’re not happy with the product, you’ll receive a quick refund with no hassles.

P.S. Even if you do not purchase, remember to not act like a friend and not make yourself too available!


85 Responses to “Signs Your Ex Wants You Back – The Hot and Cold Ex”

  1. Doug Mcconville 17 May 2010 at 5:11 pm Permalink

    Dear Ashley
    wondering if able to give some advice , broke up with partner 6 weeks ago have done all the bad things not supposed to do trying to let her go but love her so muchthis is not a normal break up been together for 14 years have a house together and we have no where to go for this to give any space to one another, still living in same house together, she told me the it`s not you it`s me rutein her heart is not in the relationship anymore but she says she cares for me and loves me but not to be together anymore, want to just have that chance to be with her again and have asked her to just think hard and not to throw 14 ears away , no kids just the dog but even he is affected just like me never saw any of this coming she says also that her FEELINGS and EMOTIONS can`t be fixed even tho she is proud of me that I have changed my ways over the last 18 months but as I said her heart is not in the relationship anymore have looked at the ex-back guides not real sure that it will help me in my case would appreciate if you can help in any way I`m running out of time as we have to sell house and go seperate ways & wants to remain friends after this is all over, very upset that she won`t even try what do I do to try to win her back

    • Ashley 18 May 2010 at 7:54 am Permalink

      Doug, it sounds like your partner may be going through this common phrase in ones life where they just aren’t happy with anything. It usually comes at around 30-40 at a time when they’ve been married with kids for quite a long time. Women especially end up losing their identity and don’t know what they want out of life anymore. It’s hard for the other partner to accept because it seems to come out of nowhere. Right now, I think she just really wants her freedom to find out who she is. Of course it’s best not to divorce to do this, but that decision needs to come from her. You can tell her that you understand she needs to do this at this time in her life and that you’ll support it. But you still love her and would rather that you gave her physical space to work things out than to call the entire marriage quits something that could be overcome with time and patience. You can remind her of the kids, but ultimately she needs to feel strongly about the relationship to eventually only “leave” physically.

  2. dani 18 May 2010 at 12:56 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley.
    Thanks for the wonderful advice. I am in a situation where, after being broken up and making myself unavailable to my ex, he gradually started approaching me until he told me he wanted to work things out because he misses me. Now, after that, he has been “hot and cold”. I managed to stay “together” for a couple of weeks, but yesterday I kinda “lost it” and did something I wasnt supposed to do: I nagged to him about something he was doing. He accused me of being nosey, i tried to brush it off by saying that I wasnt, that it just was a simple question because his behavior on a given thing was different than usual (it actually was, though i have to admit that i asked him about it because i was feeling insecure). Now I feel like a fool and I don’t know how to turn things around. This hold and cold thing makes the boudaries in the relationship really blurry and i think i crossed one. I’m thinking about pretending nothing happened and act normal but I think he is on to me already and he is seeing me as the unstable person he thinks I am. I have learnt my lesson, I am much more stable now than I was before, but I did fell off the wagon. What to do now?

    • Ashley 18 May 2010 at 8:03 am Permalink

      hi Dani,

      Well, mistake or not it happened, and it’s best NOT to dwell on it. People do things that aren’t always the best in any given circumstance but as long as you know what you did and what could have been done better next time, don’t dwell on the past.

      As for him, I think he was enjoying the chase and placing himself in control of the situation. I suggest you cool off and let him chase again. You can’t let a guy know he completely HAS you (before he actually has you), so I suggest you do not put all your eggs in one basket and shop around for other guys as well. This should trigger the competitive nature in him to want to chase you harder.

      The most important thing is not to wait for him, but to expect he’s going to come chasing and meanwhile you do things to empower and enrich your own life. He’s going to be more attracted to an independent and confident woman than someone who is just waiting for him to show some interest. Good luck!

  3. Mikael 18 May 2010 at 8:04 am Permalink

    My ex contacted me again saturday night with a bunch of texts I did not respond to and that pissed her off. Now she seems to always talk eventhough she left me for a long distance relationship less then a month after we broke up for a guy she met on spring break. I dont know what my next step should be…I have boughten numberous books, but not 100% sure what to do next. She told me she just wanted to say hi but always talks to me on facebook like nothing has happened. I ignore her for the most part. what next?

    • Ashley 18 May 2010 at 8:12 am Permalink

      Ask her why she keeps contacting you when she left you for someone else and you’re still trying to heal from the break up. This may make her feel guilty for contacting for the wrong reasons.. which I feel she may be. Then again, she could be having second thoughts. I still suggest you to ask her the question above and see if she keeps on contacting you or not.

  4. Javier Candelas 18 May 2010 at 8:05 am Permalink

    I am 58 and she is 64. In late March she suddenly stopped taking and/or returning my calls. I texted her with a short message and she emailed in an angry way and said I was more demaning their her 2 ex husbands and that I was trying to hard to help her. In Feb. she said her youngest son had a brain tumor and could not afford medical treatment/exams and therefor could travel with me. I loaned her $7000 for this and it was never used for the son and now I was put on the “friends zone,” and today she openned a date come-on on match.com sighting age 59 and ready to travel, seeking men 49-55. What should I do? We had a serious relationship, I help her a lot around her home, fixed her car, messaged yout feet and body–now this. I placed her on “no contact” on 22 April. She wants to be friends, but its all or nothing to me. I now have second thoughts–I did not cheat or miss treat her–what happened? Do I end “no contact?” How and save face? I need help, please.

    • Ashley 18 May 2010 at 8:15 am Permalink

      You’ve made one of the classic guy mistakes ever – helping a partner WAY too much – in the relationship and out of one. She even said herself that you were helping too much. Although she was the one who ask for help, I think she wants to feel more independent – hence why she wants to travel and get out there. She can’t do that when you’re doing everything for her. Continue no contact and stop helping her. Oh yea, and also get the money you loaned her back.

  5. Mikael 18 May 2010 at 10:56 am Permalink

    I asked her that and she said just to say hi and see what I have been up to.

  6. Doug Mcconville 19 May 2010 at 12:06 am Permalink

    HI Ashley not sure you understand my message am not married or have any children either just have a house together that need to sell now cause she has ended all this ,realy want this to work but not sure how to do this do I let her go to find out who she really is only to find that she is not going to come back at all to me, have asked her to re-think about her decision and she has agreed to do this but has no promises that she will change her mind I feel that her decision is final and she is not coming back we are still living together but as if there is a brick wall between us I know I have to let go to get her back I have tried so hard to understand what she has done & what she has said to me that her feeling & thats why emotions have not been meet she also said that doesent feel right in the relationshipand to do this to me,she also explains to me that feelings & emotions can`t be fixed and her heart is no longer in the relationship& has no control of this , honestly do I have any chance at all , very desperate to make this work cause I love her sooooo much that I wanted to die for her has she really lost her idenitty she is 36 living life late I feel never had a licence to drive till 8 months ago so relied on me for 13 years now has licence done a trip to Veitnam by her self I feel she has found out who she is and wants more in life but want her to include me in that life please help me in a way that it can give me just a little hope
    N eed to know will the ex-factor help me in any way
    Thanks alot

    • Ashley 19 May 2010 at 1:33 pm Permalink

      You need to give her time to figure out what she wants. But you also can’t have your life on hold while she is doing this. Work on your own goals and do things that make you happy. You can “wait” but you should prepare to face the fact that she may decide she is happier in another relationship. After all, if that’s what she truly wants and is happy making the decision, there’s not much you can do except support her.

      But do focus on yourself and the things you can change (yourself, new relationships, career etc). By working on yourself and raising your standards, this may also attract her back. Women are usually attracted to men who have higher social-value than them, so when you are happier, more successful, more fit etc, these things should naturally attract her or any other woman into your life.

  7. Katie 19 May 2010 at 12:20 pm Permalink

    Hello Ashley,

    After 3 years of being together my boyfriend out of the blue felt he needed to break up with me because he was unsure of how he felt about me. This has been 5 months ago and during these 5 months I think I have been doing the wrong things to get him back. I would be very eager to hang out with him or talk to him, which I think gave him some comfort therefore he still does not know how he feels about me. We went to college together and during these 5 months we have been spending a lot of time together. We have been on 6 dates so far but only 1 of the dates he has initiated. I know he still has feelings for me and everyone around us can still see our connection and that he obviously really likes and loves me. It is summer for both of us now and I suggested to him that we actually start dating since it seemed like we were dating already. His answer however is not totally what I wanted to hear. He said he wasn’t sure whether he liked me as a girlfriend or as a friend, but the good part is that he said he wanted to work things out this summer. We rarely see each other in the summer because our jobs are opposite schedules. I said that we needed to balance between dates and hanging out as friends. He agreed and said this time I would know when it’s a date because he would ask me. We also agreed to forget the past and act as 2 new people would. He also said that if we don’t figure things out this summer we should maybe try seeing other people to see where his heart is (even though he admitted he didn’t really want to) and neither do I. I want to figure things out this summer and sooner than later. I do not want to have to keep waiting for him to make up his mind. I have stopped initiating contact and I have decided to stop being the one to initiate dates or when to hang out. He has made a list of things for us to do this summer together in hopes of finding out if things work. I feel since we both want to work things out I need to show him that I am girlfriend materail(like how he treats me) and not friend material. I also feel that there is a way to get him back; however I can not afford any of the ebooks or guides that help with this issue. I feel I need a different approach to this situation(like removing his comfort because that would freak him out). I have also already tested what it’s like when he contacts me and I don’t seem to eager while texting. I wait to answer him and he answers right away(which he hasn’t done in a long time). Do you have any advice that could help me get him back as a boyfriend this summer and before it’s too late?!

    • Ashley 19 May 2010 at 1:39 pm Permalink


      Well knowing the reason why he wanted to break up would be important here. Usually though, a guy won’t leave a woman unless:
      – He isn’t feeling loved, appreciated or able to make her happy
      – He doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t want to commit to one woman at this time in his life

      If its the latter in your situation, then you need to give him space and time to find out what he really wants. You can help him along by asking him “what exactly are you looking for in a woman?”, “do you feel you’re unable to commit right now to just one woman?” Things of that nature. Get him to voice it out so you’re not in the dark.

      If he can tell you these things, then you know what you need to do. Either step back and let him explore other women because you’re not quite it – or step up and improve on a few things. The key though is to improve on factors that you actually want to improve on, not just to benefit him. Guys also like women who play a little hard-to-get, they like the chase, that’s also something to keep in mind this summer.

  8. Farre 19 May 2010 at 11:38 pm Permalink


    just wanted to ask you a quick question about long-distance relashinship. I used the “non contact” rule for a couple of weeks. And during last weekend I sent her a short email saying that “I was bizzy with stuff, hope she was good, we need to catch up, got to go. Wish u the best.” She replied i a good way, she was fine, got a new job, and wished me luck with my project, and okej Nice(too meet me). I sent her an email back telling her i was happy for her sake, for the new job, and that I would call her during the week so we can talk”.
    i was thinking of calling her tomorrow, just a short “Hi, how are u call” and that we should meet for some cooffee next sunday.
    The thing is that she lives 2 hours from were i live. Is this a good idea? Do I show too much interest if I travel 2 hours for a cup of coffee? Or should I not maky any plans with her.

    The thing is that everytime we see eachother it becomes to intense, we hang out for days, and then we don´t meet eachother for months and last time was a year in beetween. I told her that I still have feelings for her, and she says that she wishes I could give up he “hope” of u beeing a couple, because she really likes me and wants me in her life. She wants to be friends, but still she wants to hang out and do couple stuff, and even sleep with me. Last time we saw eachother(after the break-up 1 year ago) we went to Paris and had the time of our lives, in a couple way. and I told her I didn´t just want to be friends, and that we shouldt have any more contact. But still we did, and she wants to see me more and travel with me??????????
    Give m advices, sorry for the long email her :-)

    • Ashley 20 May 2010 at 4:57 pm Permalink

      I don’t understand why you broke up and why, if you only lived 2 hours away, you only saw each other every few months or even have a year in between. Maybe you should ask her why she still wants to act like a couple yet only be friends. Could it be she’s just doesn’t like being alone but she still wants to give herself available to other guys?

  9. Farre 20 May 2010 at 7:57 pm Permalink

    Well Ashely, i will try to explain it…
    here is a “short” mail about my story.

    I am a bisexual 28 year old girl. My “ex” in this situation is a girl.

    The thing is that we meet online, and had contact for 2 years(on and off through msn and phone, talking and texting), before we meet in person. We talked as friends but still flirty. We could and can still talk about everything.

    Last januari I went to see her where she lives, aproxemately 2 hours from me. And we connected instantly. The first time I visited her was only for one day, and we didn´t do anything than a kiss on the mouth.
    I visited her 2 weeks after and I stayed for a couple of days. And even if it alwas get intensively when we meet, we alwas have a great time together. We can be ourselves and it feels save and wonderful to spend time together. The second time I was there we kissed and kind of had sex and everything that folowes :-).

    We had contact every day for several hours in the phone talking about everything, and she told me that I was wonderful, tat I was “The woman of her dreams” and that she was in love with me and she loved me. And I told her that I had feelings for her too.

    The thing is, that actually we were never a “real couple” but we were. We didn´t call eachother for girlfriends or something like that. But we didn´t see other people during the time we had contact.
    Anyway, everything was going great. Then she went to visit her family for a week, and when she came back, she told me that everything is going to quickly and that she didn´t want to have a relashinship and that she needed a break. My thoughts were that we were taking it slow. We saw eachother 2 weekends during 2-3 months.

    Anyway, after some discussions, and I was tired of beeing Ms niceguy I told her she was selfish and not the good person she thought she was(I regreted that later), because I felt she had lied to me and threated me wrong. After that she said that she didn´t want to have more contact with me.
    AND OF COURSE, I did what you write about. I paniced, I started texting her, calling her, I even sent her a letter telling her about my feelings and all that.

    We lost contact for 7-8 months, and somtimes during that time I still called her and told her I was missing her and allthat crap:-).

    After having contact after 7-8 months we began talking as “friends”. Of course, I want more, but I wanted to try another way to get her back. But of course that didn´t work too because she could read between the lines, and I told her straight out that “YES, I do have feelings for you, when she asked me. And she said that she did´nt have thoose feelings for me.
    After a few calls she said that she wanted to travel with me, so in februari we went for a weekend in Paris. Afternot have seeing eachother for almost a year. And over in Paris, we were like a couple and had the time of our life. And of course she said that she didn´t want to give me “falls hope” and that she wants me as a friend. And I told her that I wanted more, and in that case we should break contact, and she was upset about that.

    We continued having contact after Paris anyway, and for over 2 weeks ago, after trying to hide my feelings again, I snapped and told her everything I felt. That I cant forget all about her and I´ve tried to be just friends and that I have to much feelings for her to do that. She said that we have talked about it before, and if I was sure about my feelings for her. That she liked me and cares about me very much, and wants me in her life, but she didn´t have the “feeling” and doesnt want a relashinship.

    We had talked about travelling again, but due to all the talking, and the economy we didn´t.

    Now we haven´t talked for almost 10 days, and I am still in love with her and she knows that. Last time we talke I called her and we talked about our day and weekend, and I asked her if we should plan our trip? And she said that she had to save money this month and that we can travel another time.

    So now you have MY STORY:-). I hope u can help me with my questions, because this happens to me the whole time with girls. With guys I usually dump and not get dumped. But I dont play them, I tell them after a date or two how I feel.

    As a person I am goodlooking, social, a forward person with a lot of close friend. But all my problems with love and relashinships has made me insecure, and I dont even now how to flirt when I go clubbing. Usually I have easy getting someone, but difficult keeping them.

    My questions:

    1. Am I totally crazy and stupid and should just let go?
    2. Am I wrong or does she give me mixed signals?
    3. What should I do?
    4. How do I get her back?
    5. Should I call and get her to call back, or should I wait for her to call/text me? And what should I say then?
    6.Could I have so wrong about the chemistry beetween us, and that we belong 2gether. and that she just can realise that. Because I think she is afraid.? She even says that I know her better than most people, and feels secure with me, and that I am the only one she can imagine travel with and trust.
    7. We live 2 hours away from eachother, so how can I get her too see me again and how should I react?

    By the way, after we “broke up” last year, she calls it a break-up to, she meet another girl. And because of that girl didn´t want her she is kind of hooked up on her. She doesn´t even want her.

    • Ashley 21 May 2010 at 10:52 am Permalink

      Farre. Here’s my answers:
      1. Not crazy or stupid, you’re human and a lot of being a human is wanting something you can’t have. What is stopping you from moving on if she has no feelings for you? I just feel that she probably thinks of you more as a friend and nothing more.
      2. Like I said, from the sounds of it, she thought she might have liked you but then she changed her mind. People do that.
      3. I feel you need to have more confidence in yourself and not tie yourself down to someone who isn’t all that interest. Find someone who is just as crazy for you as you are for them.
      4. If she has zero romantic feelings for you and only sees you as a friend, I don’t see much point in chasing her anymore. It’s only going to make you more sad, insecure and depressed in the longrun. Find someone who actually wants you.
      5. Better to keep a distance if you are still in love with her. It’s hard to get over someone when you’re constantly in contact.
      6. Her saying she feels comfortable with you is not the same as being in love with you. She may feel comfortable like a friend, but if there is no chemistry from her end, then she won’t want more than a friendship.
      7. Read the above!
      Due to the fact this was such a short relationship, I really encourage you to look for a more compatible mate. Even if she’s lying about her feelings, she sounds confused and wants to play games with you. I don’t feel it’s worth the effort to continue pursuing someone like that. Just my opinion. I hope it helps in some small way :)

  10. dani 21 May 2010 at 3:58 am Permalink

    hi ashley
    im in a pretty bad situation…i went out with a guy for just over three yrs, we broke up last may, because we were fighting over silly things, he dumped me because he said he knew he was making me unhappy and hated it. within a week, he was seeing a new girl and flaunted it in front of me. he said he didnt want to be friends or be in contact anymore. i was hurt and confused as nothing bad had happened with us, just some stupid fights but i told him i wished him the best and didnt contact him again.
    four months later, he texted me a long apology. he said he realised how much he had hurt me and he apologised for treating me so coldly after the break up. he said how much he missed me and wanted to be friends and he had wanted to for a long time. i was wary at first but we met up several weeks later and it was as if nothing had veer happened, we had so much fun and i felt so close to him. we started seeing each other again, and have been on and off since september, mainly because he didnt want a gf. he would tell me he loved me but a few days later he would say maybe we shoudnt meet up as he wasnt sure how he felt and didnt want a relationship. we got into a big fight about it two weeks ago and he said he never wants to speak again. ive tried calling him to figure it out, as im goin away for 6weeks in ten days and i didnt want to be on bad terms but he wont respond. if you have any helpful advice id really appreciate it, i feel so hurt. :( thanks ashley

    • Ashley 21 May 2010 at 10:59 am Permalink

      Hi dani. It could be just the way you described him, but he sounds like an a**hole. He breaks up with you and a week later is already seeing someone else? And then, once that relationship died, he came running back showing interest again? But notice how he still can’t commit? Probably because he wants to keep his options open, so he can meet other girls. And now, he is once again not talking to you. If you want my advice, I would stop talking to him, go away for those 6 weeks and enjoy myself without a care as to what he is doing or thinking about. You need to have more self-respect. He isn’t treating you right and you need a man who holds you as number 1 in his life and not 2nd, third or fourth.

  11. Katie 21 May 2010 at 12:01 pm Permalink

    Hello Ashley,

    Thanks for the help. The last time when my ex and I discussed about working things out this summer I asked him if I had caused any of the confusion, and I told him to be truthful about it. He said that it just kinda happened and that he wasn’t sure why. He also said that he was trying hard to figure it all out. I also asked if he was interested in other women or to date around, but he said he wasn’t and didn’t want to not unless we couldn’t figure things out between us this summer. And since then he hasn’t been on any dates with anyone but me. Looking back on how I acted I feel I was being clingy and helping too much and not giving enough space. I was also jealous when he wanted to spend time with his friends and I’d refuse to spend time with them because I did not like them. When he mentions things for us to do this summer he asked if I wanted to hang out with his friends sometime because he knows they would like me and I would like them. I agreed that I would do it. I feel that maybe it would help if I put my selfishness away and try to accept his friends. I really think that my selfishness got into the way of things. I think he felt that it was really hard to please me. I have been giving him a lot of space now that it is summer. We have not seen each other all week and contact has not been as much as it has before at school. I feel like I have lost his attraction because I felt too comfortable around him and therefore he has turned me into a friend. I took action yesterday and went shopping and bought some new summer clothing that are more attractive and feminine. I need tips on how to play hard to get because I have never done that before. Is it possible that if I play too hard to get he would react in a bad way and just forget about working things out? That is what I am worried about the most because I do not want to come across as being manipulating. I know that there is a way to fix this I just don’t know how to go about doing it. Any advice would help! Thanks so much!

  12. Farre 22 May 2010 at 2:37 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    thank you very much for all your answers. I will get back to you and let you know what happens :-).
    Thank you again or responding so quickly…

  13. dani 23 May 2010 at 3:24 am Permalink

    thanks for the advice ashely, and you’re right i need 2 have more respect and confidence in myself…i plan to work on that over the summer

  14. Katie 23 May 2010 at 2:51 pm Permalink

    Hey again Ashely,
    I’m not sure if this information will help or not but just last night after my ex and I hung out he sent me a text saying that the whole seeing other people thing is not what he is really thinking and that he felt pressured to bring it up because of what people keep telling him to do and that he regretted saying it. I just need a little extra help on how to approach this situation. :) thanks

  15. kaya 24 May 2010 at 3:54 am Permalink

    hi, ive been with the guy i love for 2 yrs and a half now and since last year its been on and off. its got so bad now that he says he doesnt want to be with me anymore and he doesnt love me like before because of my mentality. before he used to say i was perfect. ive tried soo many ways to get him back but he still says its over. i love him and i know he loves me but why is he doing this when a week ago he called my dad to ask for my hand in marriage! he also cheated on me 2 weeks ago and i forgave him. im soo confused and i just want to have him back what shall i do.. :(

    • Ashley 26 May 2010 at 11:09 am Permalink

      Once again, I think you’re giving this guy too much power. He cheated on you and you forgave him that easily? He probably did it to get out of the relationship. To see if a guy really loves you, you need to go off how he acts with you and what he does for you, not whether he was thinking of marriage. If he is cheating and he says he doesn’t love you anymore, you have to believe that’s true. Someone who loves you wouldn’t hurt you like this.

  16. Farre 26 May 2010 at 9:59 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley!

    Its me again(look above:-).
    I just thought about something, don´t you in your news letter and everything say that its possible to get back an ex.
    Due to my situation that she only want´t to be friends, why should I just give up?
    I am not saying that your answers are not good, oh they are. And YES I should give her up. But I am not that kind of a person, I dont give up easily. So I would appreciate if u gave me some tips :-).

    We like eachother, and yes, she wants to be friends, but I know better then that. We both now, as women, that women usually don´t mean what they say. The important thing is how they act.

    Thank u for being u and helping us*smile*.

    I believe in love….

    • Ashley 26 May 2010 at 11:06 am Permalink

      Well.. because moving on is actually more liberating and actually makes you “more attractive” to her because you are perceived as someone she can’t have. It’s also easier on your heart and soul. Who says you can’t move on and still have hope?

  17. deedee 26 May 2010 at 11:11 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley! Ok my ex broke up with me a few months ago as we just weren’t getting along the way we used to… after a month or so of not talking we became friends and it was so great hanging out again…but that lead to us hooking up a few times…he told me that he really loves me but that he wishes he didn’t. he said that he can’t forget me but he wants to try… now he thinks its best if we aren’t friends because everytime we are we get ”too close” and he doesn’t want it because he doesnt want to get back together…

    I’m heartbroken and i text him a few times telling him I really wanted to stay friends (which i shouldn’t have, but I was so upset at the time)and he didn’t respond :-/

    I’m going on holidays soon and won’t have contact with him for a couple weeks unless he initiates it… I really don’t want him to just forget about me and I’m worried he might hook up with someone while I’m away… I know thats stupid.

    I want him to miss me, and I want him to want me back. I don’t know how he can say he loves me but then just not want to speak at all… I’d really love to hear any advice you might have for me

  18. kaya 29 May 2010 at 3:52 am Permalink

    so should i just ignore him and see what happens?
    hes broken up with me and the other day i went out with my friends and there was a few guys and he flipped. hes left me but hes still possesive over me. what does that mean?

  19. kaya 29 May 2010 at 3:57 am Permalink

    deedee ur guy sounds alot like mmine. my ex also says he loves me but doesnt want to get back =men r so confusing :s

  20. dani 29 May 2010 at 5:02 am Permalink

    Still getting the hot-cold treatment here. It’s getting even colder now and I am running out of ideas.
    I posted a question for Ashley a week ago or so because I made a mistake and he told on me. Then the tables turned and he messed up so we spoke about it, in a very non-argumentative adult way, he seemed very open to what I had to say and I also thanked him for letting me know how the mistake I made before (the nosey thing) helped me learn something and how it was nice that we can talk about things without fightint. Everything seemed peachy, we spoke some more, we joked around, then he said goodbye and next thing I know I am getting MSN notifications about him posting comments on really nasty girls online (I didn’t snoop around, It’s that “what’s new” feature on MSN that shows you what your contacts do and a small version of the picture they commented on, no so, I wasnt being nosey this time). He didnt speak to me the day after we talked, then the next day we did but briefly, and now he isnt showing signs of life. Maybe a bruised ego? Don’t know but I’m really sad about him not being around when I actuallt thought we made progress (We had an adult conversation, no nagging on my side nor his, he was defensive at first but then he cooled down and things really were looking good)

  21. janie 1 June 2010 at 9:25 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    My boyfriend broke up with me in Sept 09. He was serious about our relationship and wanted to get married but we did fight alot. We were both guilty of not treating each other well. Great physical chemistry. I was tired of the fighting and went out of town for most of the summer. I told him we were broken up. When I returned home, he had been dating someone else but wanted to work it out between us. We began arguing again and basically he broke it off with me and continued with the girl he had started seeing over the summer. They have been living together since March and are very serious. She is very submissive and domestic. I was always a challenge, too alpha. He is very alpha. He is ready to settle down with someone and start a family. He has continued to contact me since the final break-up in Sept. Text, Facebook, phone calls and email. I played it completely cool (thanks to your video advice), and then in January I cried and told him I missed him and still loved him. Then it escalated to physical. Three encounters, then I emailed him a letter that we can’t be friends because we are so hot for each other (and we really are) and to take care. He acted like he didn’t get it. He continued to contact me and I finally caved again. He came over last Sunday and I gave him a gift – 2 cd’s I’d made for him and book. It got physical and we had sex for the first time since September. He lingered for a couple of hours aferwards. We had a few drinks and listend to music. I didn’t mention her other than asking him if he felt bad. He said “Do I feel bad that I still have feelings for you? No.” He called later that evening and said he had a great time. To keep in touch. To have a good first part of my week. I posted some cozy pics of me and a very hot guy on facebook a couple days later (I know that sounds so immature but I think a little jealousy is motivating to men). He called Friday morning. He said he wanted to see what I was up to this weekend. I was out of town and told him to have a good day and rest of his weekend. Am I just being used? Can I flip this in my favor with a little time? I miss my baby and want him back so bad it’s killing me. Sorry for so many details. I know I sound completely pathetic but I need some expert advice and you are the best!

  22. chris 3 June 2010 at 12:34 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    My wife and I have been together for 12yrs with 3 kids. Just about a month ago I found out she has been speaking and kissing another man at work for 6months to a year even. This relationship was always at her work. She doesn’t drive so I know where and who is with her. With 3 kids it’s hard to be alone. She said there was no sex involve but I still call it cheating or at least the brother of cheating. I do believe her though. When I first found out it blew my mind. I thought there were no problems because she never mentioned anything. We also made a promise if we fall for someone to tell the other person right away. Well obviously that didn’t work as promised. So when I found out I did all the wrong things like beg, plead my love for her and even catering to her. I noticed it only pushes her more away. She said that she started to feel this way about 6yrs ago and slowly her love for me was fading. She says that she loves me but is not in love with me. That something is missing and she feels numb. I contacted the other guy and found out she lied to him about being married and having kids. He told me he was sorry and didn’t want to ever speak to her again. I hope this is true coming from him. However, I noticed on our phone bill that she tried to contact him several times. The phone call was only seconds (maybe just left a messages). But then I saw one the other day for like 11 minutes. But the way I see it is if she calls him that’s fine because she’ll keep in contact with him and sooner or later she wont miss him. But as for me I won’t keep in contact with her and try not to even let her see me. But I will continue to bring my kids to school and pick them up. So my wife is in her 30s and it seems like she has just switched identities. What is the best thing for me to do? Thanks for taking the time Ashley and thanks for your help!

  23. ShingJian 15 June 2010 at 5:08 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley, I need some help. Both my girlfriend and I have been together for like 5-6months. And we broke up on 30th March 2010. Until now, I still cannot tell how she’s feeling, as she’s getting busier day by day. Oh and we’re both 15 years old. I’ve read all kinds of EX system and books and I tried what those books recommended. But I’m still confused whether if she wants me back. For the past few weeks, I observed that she looked into my eyes quite deeply, trying to ask me to chat with her when she’s bored. And recently her parents got her tuition and she asked me to accompany her as she doesn’t have any friend in the tuition centre to chat with. As i observe all this, I’m getting confused. And if I’m not wrong, we’ve broken up for nearly 2 and a half months. Now I’m trying to get her back, but I’m stuck, and dare not to ask her. I wish you’ll A.S.A.P..really needed help. And thanks alot.

  24. James 10 July 2010 at 8:06 am Permalink

    Hello Ashley,

    The girl that I truely love broke it off with me just over a month ago. She told me that she loves me in many way but not in love anymore, its just not there; I do not believe it at all. We were together around 8 months. She had cheated (with her ex, of 2 years) at 4 months, told me she loved me around 5 months, and began seeing and cheating with that ex several times behind my back the last month or so of our relationship, the ex ended up facebooking me. She has confess to hanging out with her ex since the split and does not know what that means or where it is going. Since the break up I have hung out with her a few times, mainly to get my things from her place, but we ended up getting physical and chatted for a couple hours as well. She told me that she needed to cut off communication with me 2 weeks ago and that she could not be “just my friend”. Talked to her the next day and told her that we are very close but I would back way off and for her to call me if she wants to see me. We are supposed to hang out this weekend as she texted me saying she missed my friendship and company. What does that mean? I just don’t know what to do. I want her back, plain and simple. Any advice on how to handle this will be very appreciated. I have told her that I love her and have forgiven her for the things she has put me though. Also, we never fought about anything at all, I prefer open honest discussions with her. We are 25 and she has a 3 year old.

  25. Holli 30 July 2010 at 5:17 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    My ex and I broke up for the first time in April after having been together for 5 years. We got back together for a short period of time not having really worked out our problems. We broke up finally in May over reoccurring issues. What I have come to realize is that I gave up too quickly and walked out, not really realizing at the time that our relationship was worth the effort to get back. Once I did realize it, I began begging and pleading for him to come back to me. This obviously didn’t work. Then I started implementing the no contact rule. It had been over a month that we hadn’t talked and I called him. Once he called back, we had a great conversation where he confessed he was having a hard time because he was always reminded of the relationship. I figured it would be a good time to ask him to coffee, but he said it would be too hard to see me and it’s easier just to talk. I’m not sure how to take that or what to do from here to get him back. Please help!

  26. crystal 5 August 2010 at 11:52 pm Permalink

    hi ashley
    My boyfriend and i just broke up a week ago and i did everything of what not to do. We’ve been together since high school and had another break up 3 years ago and got back together 6 months later. He says he loves me but he says he doesnt want to be with me anymore. His whole demeanor change, he doesnt show his feelings anymore, he suggest we see other people. I have never been with any other guy before he is my first love and first anything. So now I dont know what to do. I am a complete wreck, i don’t eat properly lost 4 pounds in a week and i don’t get any sleep and i work at least 60 hrs a week. im exhausted. What should I do?

  27. Jan 30 August 2010 at 4:39 am Permalink

    Dear Ashley,

    I have broken up with my girlfriend (I’m a guy) back in April, and she ended up dating one of my “friends”. This situation has really hurt me, and I have told them both via texts, emails etc. how I felt. She then asked me to stop contacting her. Eventually, through most of the summer, I haven’t contacted her for a couple months, and then wrote a brief email a week ago saying that I thought this break-up was the best thing that could have happened to us. To be honest, I am not sure that I still love her, but I do miss her a lot, and am mad at the idea of her being with another guy (a loser IMO). I think I would feel better if she were with another guy altogether, and so I feel like I would want to be her friend again, but she’s not communicating with me anymore… Any advice?

  28. Doug 31 August 2010 at 6:33 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley
    Things have turned a little bit with me she is wiiling to try and work things out but nothing intimite , can`t even get a cuddle or a hug or touching each other yet , she says one thing and then says the next , and can`t open up to me with her feelings and what she is thinking about as I said she`s willing to try but still insists that we need space apart from each other but we have been spending one day on a weekend together doing new things togather as if it`s like a date we are having fun , joking around , and flirting directly and indirectly with each other but is still rejecting me on certain issues , we are still living together sleeping in seperate rooms and have a slight akwardness between us its been 5 months now and she keep saying time and time again that it wiil take time that it won`t happen overnight if anything will happen I am very confussed with what she wants or doesent want so am I waisting my time cause I do feel that cause she has said that she wants to try that she still has feelings for me but are they the right ones that she is having I am going over the steps in the system but what else can I do to make this work better , she has also agreed to spend a day with me in what ever I would like to do and she won`t say no to so that shows and make me feel good that she is wanting to spend time with me , any tips in what else should I do would be appreciated thanks

  29. Sarah 5 September 2010 at 9:48 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    Just wondering if I could have some advice. Me and my ex split up 5 months ago and we have kept in contact since. I contact him mostly through facebook and maybe one or two phone calls more than him. The calls that take place now are mostly him late at night, or me first thing in the morning. It was a LDR and i have seen him three times since the split but he has told me we won’t see each other again. The last time was three weeks ago. Since then, he was distant for about a week but then started contacting me. He phoned me once at work on my lunch break and the next day he phoned twice once at dinner time and when he returned to the pub. We seemed to be getting on really well but the conversations were confusing me. He asked me when he had been drinking whether I still loved him, I said I didn’t know but i do and he told me he didn’t but later said i want you to move in with me. He is like two different people, and i can’t work him out. In drink he says the most lovely things about me but then in sober he acts different. He’s always expressed more in alcohol. I know it was a mistake but I just had to know, I asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said no but got really angry about it and said why do i always have to ask stupid questions and go on about stuff all the time. What should I do now? After 5 months should i break contact or not? I’m sure he’s going to meet someone soon and it’s going to be really difficult for me to handle. I love him, i just want my boyfriend back.

  30. joe costa 4 November 2010 at 12:17 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    I like your great advice, in that it is very real, and makes a great deal of sense, though I appreciate as well that every couple’s situation is individual and unique.

    Looking for some advice…. have to be honest, as much as I would love this to happen, the situation is very bleak….
    We are in fact divorced, it was basically pushed through by my ex, though I did not ever want it…. seperated approximately 4 years ago, she wanted some time apart, I thought it might do some good
    (though I did try to convince her to stay and work things out, she already made arrangements, so I was stuck)…. at first things were okay during the separation… but then after few months she became distant, cold, and angry at me… no matter what I could say, this only got worst… I gave her space after about 6 months of this … she later became upset in this, like “I wasn’t ever calling her”, yet she’d never call me either … any contact for those initial 6 months was in her being angry at me, so I thought just leave her alone, give her space…. one day calls me out of blue, about 3 months after I stopped contact with her, in giving her some space … tells me its over, and she’s seeking divorce…. I was devastated, and did all the wrong things in trying to get her back since then, which only made her more angry…. basically, she pushed the divorce through her lawyer… so we been divorced for year and a half now, things were not good in that process (as in most divorces)…. she “moved on” with another guy, but that apparently didn’t work out though they went out for over a year…
    truth is, despite the pain I have went through, within my heart I still love her, and would like to have things be different… of course there is a HUGE doubt in my mind that this can never be, in all thats happened….. my feeling is to focus on myself, and moving forward with my life… is there any hope in this? I don’t feel confident in attempting any contact either in all thats happened…. I think deep down inside, it would have to come from her, if there ever was any hope or chance, if she did contact me, I would definitely want to attempt to very slowly rekindle a friendship, hoping for it to grow to something more, but I definitely would not dive back in, in desperately wanting her back… which I know would only backfire as it did before…

    any advice?
    am I crazy or what in even thinking this? in wanting her back….
    in even thinking it could somehow happen….
    I wouldn’t even know where to begin…. and don’t feel confident in making any attempts….
    my feeling is let it be, if she one day contacts me, go from there….
    what do you think?
    appreciate any advice Ashley… thanks!

  31. sam 12 December 2010 at 2:36 pm Permalink

    hi ashley

    i met my ex in april 09 and we started to go out in may 09. We introduced by mutal friends and but she is 9 years younger i am 29 and she is 20 but i lied to her on the first date and told i was 4 years younger then i actually was so only a 5 year gap. We fell head over heels in love and had a great releationship. It had its up and down but on the whole it was great. But because i lied aboout my age i was having to lie more to cover the intial lie. This started to cause issues between us and in july 2010. We drifted apart. We still talked all the time and hooked up but then in august after her birthday she gave me a choice either come clean about what i was hiding or we were done. We didnt talk for about 3 months and then she rang me october where she told me she had started dating somone. I was devasted and told her to leave me alone. We then didnt talk until december where she asked be just friends we talked at length and i made it clear that i was in love with her still but she had moved on. So i decided to come clean on friday 10 december 2010 i told her everything she took it well and i told her that i still loved her she is my soulmate. She said was not in love with me anymore but still cared for me a great deal and wants to friends. She said we had drifted apart before the age thing anyway i tied to explain that we had problems because i was lying and that now it was out in the open we woould be great again but she said i had 0% with her now and should just look after myself and move on.. She also said she had stong feelings for the other guy and i know her i think she is falling in love with him. But he has his own baggage so that may be an issue as she said she had broken it off with him until he sorted himself out. I did the classic begging and pleading with her but that was foolish i know. I have had a complete mental and emotional breakdown and all i think about is her and i get angry at myself and jealous and really sad. I struggle to eat and cannot really sleep. She still wants to be friends and still texts me to make sure i am alright. What do i do? Do i leave her alone as i cannot bear to see her with somone else? Or do i play it cool and wait for her?
    Do i
    1. No more contact with her?
    2. Try to be friends?
    3. Move on and try to get some perspective
    4. Move on and if its ment to be we will get back together but not wait aronnd for her?

    Any advice would be most welcome.

  32. nell 14 March 2011 at 10:29 pm Permalink

    hi ashley i hav a verry serios problem i hav a boyfriend n we’v been dating for 4yrs nw 2008 we broke up for 4months n we got bck together then after 2moths i found out he ws with this chick he ws flarting with b4 we broke up n dey split again. it has been a yr after they broke up since 2009. n my boyfriend n i hav moved in together for a yr n 4months and now 2daes ago i found out dey had sex january this yr nand she phned him and told him she is pregnant n she’s 1month,he said it ws a mistake and he wants her to abort the baby but she doesnt bcs she stil wants him back i am so frastrated i don wat 2do i lv my boyfriend so much and i don wana giv up….plz help me out i feel lyk i’m brakin insyd i am so disapointed plz reply

    • heather 1 October 2011 at 12:00 am Permalink

      nell just read your mess and id love to no what happened

  33. Lita 23 May 2011 at 12:52 am Permalink

    Dear Ashely,

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half year and last week we officailly broke up. We actually broke up a year ago but I’ve been doing everything you told me for the last year. We hang out everyday, call each other, we told everyone we were still with each other, but between the two of us we were just trying to work things out. He told me his love for me has faded, i give him headache, and that we agrue too much, and he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now. I miss him a lot. I know he need his space but I just don’t know if he still want me back. About a month ago ge told me that if he can he would marry me right now. We still talk but very limited and we call each other about the same. He say he still wants to be friend but he wants me to gain control of my emotion first. I really don’t know what to think anymore. I still care about him. I’m confused, I still want him but it seem I really should just let him move on. He also said he still likes me a lot. He deleted me off his facebook because he likes to go look on my page. I changed my name and pic . after a week of no contact he drop a comment that he looked me up and couldn’t find me but then he figure my new name. I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me. Confused?

  34. Nikki 25 July 2011 at 7:02 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley
    My partner left me 8 weeks ago as he said due to my depression I had pushe him away so much he didn’t feel happy with me. We have a 6 month old baby and it’s broken my heart.
    I have begged pleaded for 8 weeks he is so cold towards me I feel lost.
    I started the no contact 2 days ago after I saw him at work and had a laugh with him.
    I am moving departments so I don’t see him at work.
    I am scared he won’t miss me and thinks this is what he wants he said never say never to getting back together but I feel like he just won’t come back to me.
    Am I doing the right thing with the no contact or am I gonna push him further away?
    Please help I love him so much

  35. John 30 July 2011 at 12:57 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley
    So, my ex left me about 2 months ago. We had a lot of fights, and she said that I didn’t care for her. Now i’m frustrated because she doesn’t text me, and when I text her she answers with 2 or 3 words. I would do anything to get her back. Also, she agreed to take a walk with me, so I need some advice – how should I act etc. My friends tried to tell her how I feel and she said ‘ I don’t care ‘. Although I heard that she was crying when she broke up with me. Please help me, I don’t know what to do

    • Jan 1 August 2011 at 8:55 am Permalink

      Hi John,

      Ashley has not responded to any comment since May 2010!

      • Ashley Kay 1 August 2011 at 9:18 am Permalink

        I do reply to comments, unfortunately everyone has a story to tell and it takes a lot of time to go through everyone’s situations. Also, many of the questions have been answer in one of my articles on this site. Just take a look around. If you would like personal help and a more specific plan, check out my website here -> http://www.exrecoverysystem.com

        • ken 2 August 2011 at 7:29 am Permalink

          I really wish to speak to you through email or messenger. My problem is hard to explain and although your information is great the situation is still complicated. If you could please reply back i will appreaciate it greatly as this is something of great importance to me.

  36. Tony 1 August 2011 at 11:33 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    So, (VERYYY long story short, I hope) my ex and i were essentially attached at the hip (a good 7+months) until she started to take attention away from me to, at first, xbox (only a little, she likes games) then work and college. however, she always made time for me (and was extremely clingy). So, eventually she got an xbox and she started talking to a friend of mine and she became interested in him (he lives over 600 miles away, is 18 and has no job, car or license and has a handful of mental illnesses), but she never told me (and actually avoided me), a friend did. so i confront her about it and she assured me she loves me volumes more than him (claiming its a little school girl crush). She also wanted to break up in college so she can “get the crazy out” and see whats out there, and in the mean time we’d stay close friends that love each other and will see other people, but in the end she wants to settle down with me saying “in the end I want to be like ‘wow all these guys suck…I want Tony’” (shes going to a college that doesnt even have a campus and no one talks to anybody, theres a lot of profiling that goes on where I live amongst students). i didnt believe her so i eventually looked at her phone and i saw that he was being him, but she wanted to do all the things we did with him. i get caught and we dont talk for two weeks. i find out that my friend realized what was really going on and ended all contact with her on any form of media (i confirmed it).

    i get her to talk to me and she says that she doesnt know how much she loves me after i looked at her phone, and made 5 million mistakes that i apparently made (clinginess being one of them, but its because she pulled away), but she said made little effort to talk to me and that all of this was her fault and some of it was mine as well (and a lot of faulty thinking and weak arguments). so i tried to convince her to talk it out, but she prefered to break up and “organize myself and then we can start over (as friends and see where it takes us).” I asked her how she would feel if we went with her plan for college and what if I found someone else and forgot about her, and at first it was “why is there someone else like that now?” then, after I said no twice, she said “well I wouldn’t be proud of us (the relationship) and I would be hurt, but I would have no choice but to be happy for you.”

    so we didnt talk again for about 2.5 weeks (since we broke up, she avoided me like I had the plague) and i called her (turned into a shouting match but i calmed it down) asking if we can resolve our problems. apparently shes been pissed at me for being clingy, looking at her phone, not trusting her, being “gulliable” (believing a mutual friend of ours whom she talked to about her problems, and following his advice) and showing a different side of myself, and talking to all of ‘her’ (our) friends. she has told no one and has since become additcted to xbox (playing from 4-6 pm, or earlier, to 4-6 am), and kept our friends at a distance since she knows they know, and is acting like nothing has happened (and acts almost insanely happy according to friends and co-workers that don’t know her or our problems).she literally contradicted herself saying that she was equally guilty for doing and causing all the problems in the relationship, let the kid from xbox “mind f’ed the relationship” and just in the end doing the most damage to the relationship…but shes still furious with me and still loves me only a little and doesn’t know whats to come from this

    sorry for the long note, I would give u more details (for any clarification needed) but I felt this is the most important…what am I suppose to make of this mess?

  37. Anthony 2 August 2011 at 2:54 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    I had a relationship with a girl for 1.5 years and she was head over heels for me, saying “you’re the one”, “i want to have your kids (shes 18 and im younger than her)”, and planned out our life etc etc.

    So, (VERYYY long story short, I hope) my ex and i were essentially attached at the hip (a good 7+months) until she started to take attention away from me to, at first, xbox (only a little at first) then work and college (that shes no even in yet). however, she always made time for me (and was extremely clingy). So, eventually she got an xbox and she started talking to a friend of mine and she became interested in him (he lives over 600 miles away, is 18 and has no job, car or license and has a handful of mental illnesses), but she never told me (and actually avoided and lied to me), a friend did. so i confront her about it and she assured me she loves me volumes more than him (claiming its a little school girl crush). She also wanted to break up in college so she can “get the crazy out” and see whats out there (and also saying that we dont know the future), and in the mean time we’d stay close friends thatr in love with each other but will see other people (so we’re not lonesome), but in the end she wants to settle down with me saying “in the end I want to be like ‘wow all these guys suck…I want Tony’” (shes going to a college that doesnt even have a campus and no one talks to anybody, theres a lot of profiling that goes on where I live amongst students). i didnt believe her so i eventually looked at her phone and i saw that he was being him, but she wanted to do all the things we did with him. i get caught and we dont talk for two weeks. i find out that my friend realized what was really going on and ended all contact with her on any form of media (i confirmed it).

    i get her to talk to me and she says that she doesnt know how much she loves me after i looked at her phone, and made 5 million mistakes that i apparently made (clinginess being one of them, but its because she pulled away), but she said made little effort to talk to me and that all of this was her fault and some of it was mine as well (and a lot of faulty thinking and weak arguments). so i tried to convince her to talk it out, but she prefered to break up and “organize myself and then we can start over (as friends and see where it takes us).” I asked her how she would feel if we went with her plan for college and what if I found someone else and forgot about her, and at first it was “why is there someone else like that now?” then, after I said no twice, she said “well I wouldn’t be proud of us (the relationship) and I would be hurt, but I would have no choice but to be happy for you.”

    so we didnt talk again for about 1.5 weeks (since we broke up, she avoided me like I had the plague) and i called her (turned into a shouting match but i calmed it down) asking if we can resolve our problems. apparently shes been pissed at me for being clingy, looking at her phone, not trusting her, being “gulliable” (believing a mutual friend of ours whom she talked to about her problems, and following his advice as well as the person 600 miles away because ive known him 4 years prior) and showing a different side of myself, and talking to all of ‘her’ (our) friends. she has told no one about the details of the breakup and has since become additcted to xbox (playing from 2-6 pm, her new wake up times, or earlier, to 4-6 am), and kept our friends at a distance since she knows they know, and is acting like nothing has happened (and acts almost insanely happy according to friends and co-workers that don’t know her or our problems). she literally contradicted herself saying that she was equally guilty for doing and causing all the problems in the relationship, let the kid from xbox “mind f’ed the relationship” and just, in the end, doing the most damage to the relationship…but shes still furious with me and still loves me a little still but doesn’t know what she wants to do with the relationship, and she needs time but one doesnt know the future, so she doesnt expect me to wait and i can do whatever i want (she sounded hesitant/upset on that last remark).

    sorry for the long note, I would give u more detail but I felt this is the most important. theres so much that happened that im not sure what my situation really is, even with your solid advice. care to take a whack at it?

  38. Dave 2 October 2011 at 5:08 am Permalink

    Hi ashley I broke up a week ago we were together 8 months. I was at her all the time asking her about where she is wearing and where she would go she is the best girl there is. she used to be with her ​​girlfriends, and always with the family. but I was at her all the time and she said she lost feelings for me because I was on her all the time and we chatted through msn that I made mistakes and I’m not like that. I told her I will prove her and she gave me a chance but when we met it was fine but after a few weeks she told me again that she has no feelings for me and she said she wanted to be with me for she did not want to hurt me but she started to get angry when I text massage when I arrived from school, sign in to MSN and she said the better we are friends and I said okay then I said that I love her and will be there for her. She said the same thing but without that she loves me, she told my friend to me. Now text messeg me not much but not anymore she does not send messeg anymore. I just want her back I’ll give her space
    I have her still on facebook and msn she changed her password on facebook and msn but not me. what shall I do?

  39. michelle 2 October 2011 at 5:55 am Permalink

    Hi ashley,
    My bf n i broke up about two weeks ago this is not our first break up last time when we broke up it was for over a month n then stayed together for 6 months until he broke up with me again well i know the reasons why he broke up with me again n its the same reasons as last time!!!! I think cuz I always felt that I needed to spend all my free time with him n try to control him n his actions in a way… mind you there is a ten year difference between us!!! He says he just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. N we work together too its to the point right now where we can be completely nice to each other at work n we’re not fighting we’ve been hanging out a few times n even slept together I know that’s bad :-( he just says he doesn’t wanna hang out all the time is that cuz he wants to see me stand on my own??? When we were hanging out the other day I told him I realized that we’re not fighting this time around after the break up like last time n he said that’s cuz we’re both just going with the flow!!! Whatever that means??? He still has all our pictures up in his apartment n when I commented : i thought you would of taken those down by now he says i dont hate you… I just dont like you n says just kidding but tells me he still loves me!!! We used to hang out every wed that was our day n when it comes around to that day now I get sad n don’t know what to do for that day!!! Should I be asking him to hang out or should i let him ask me??? We’ve already made plans to go to the fair n go bowling n other things but as far as when… I’m not sure :-( we still text each other good morning n goodnight everyday n still call each other darlin n stuff n when we’re hanging out alone he’ll call me babe n we still hold hands plz help idk what to do Ashley :-(

  40. ramish 20 November 2011 at 5:05 am Permalink

    i really want disscuss somthing really vry imprtant about this guy……. actually we met just 3 times and you know what he asked me to go to his flat even in 1st meeting and in last meeting when he just said that we can stay just friends…. i just hate all this going in room etc because i am muslim. i asked him to talk to my parents and he said i didn’t think about that. it seems that he just want a physicl relation and nothing else he used to say to me THAT YOU ARE REALLY FROM 70’S . but i am muslim and i don’t want to lie to my parents r do anything due to which i can’t make eye contact with my parents. He is not the right guy for me. i gifted him in our meeting, a tedy bear holding a heart on which written LOVE OF MY LIFE and a perfume he accepted that very warmly. Actually he asked me to meet him one last time to fill all grudges and gaps between us when i already text him that we can stay just friends, if u want otherwise lets end it here. then he replied ok we can stay friends and please meet me just as a friend. And when i meet him he was continuesly looking at me and saying you are soooo cute and adorable and asked me to give him a warm hug and go to his room which i just hated and refused but on forcing him i hugged him for a second he wanted more but i pushed him back and refused, on which he said I DON,T KNOW WHO DID YOUR BRAIN WASHING AGAINST ME and i said look I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR GIRL FRIEND IF U REALLY WANT ME THEN PLEASE TALK TO MY PARENTS THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO DO ALL THIS I HAVE NO RIGHT TO COME WITH YOU IN YOUR ROOM AND HUG YOU. He didn’t said to me ever that he love me he just used to say that I LIKE U. When in the last meeting i asked him that WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? he said lets be just friends. And i were really hurted because a person asking me to hug him just before few mins now saying lets stay friends. And i said WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ALL THIS BEFORE? on which he said YOU DIDN’T ASKED IT BEFORE. i asked him YOU HUGGED ME JUST AS A FRIEND? And said WHEN???? i was just shocked and badly hurted and then realized he is really not a serious man he just want one thing from me. and he told me that he had stayed with 7 girl friends before me. He was 29, mature, successfull, well educated person i didn’t expected this from him. I refused to stay his friend and in contact with him he forced me alot but still i didn’t . he asked me alot that lets stay friends we will hangout and etc etc I REFUSE, he said ok just PHONE FRIENDS, I REFUSED, he asked me whats the big deal in it i said I WAN’T TO FORGET YOU, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST AND WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. He asked me to look too him one last tim but i didn’t.
    he didn’t replied a single word of my text.
    NOW KINDLY TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?? i love him but he is flirt and not a good guy he used to insult me too sometimes on text. its a day we finished everything. will he contact me? missing me? he really didn’t having a soft corner for me? will in future he get sincere feelings for me????
    please reply soon i am waiting :(

  41. T-max 25 November 2011 at 3:40 pm Permalink

    I was really in love with this girl which means i wanted her as my future partner and i tried to do what best a good gentleman can do. But it seems to be that i was not feeling the love in response. Which i mean playing love with your someone you like: by kissing, walking in hands, sitting together and etc. None at all. one year plus i continue to bear this pain. So i decided to stay away for sometimes to see whether she has love for me naturally or financially. She decided not to call, talk to me and just remain as she is for several months. So, i decided to come into this relationship because i love her and became to do more things than before to see whether i able to gain love from her or convince her to fall in love with me but not at all. Besides that, she makes some request financially which i do at the time we were not in good relationship. But i’m not getting the kind of love i need from her( not sexually now) but love that will encourage a person to love you more. In addition, i decided to stay away now forever and just wait unto the Lord to give me partner that we will love and cherish each other. But at the down movement(around December season) she decided to come back to the relationship but i’m not still convince that she has that love for me. Therefore, i want you to please help me in this situation.

  42. Jeremy 8 December 2011 at 5:01 pm Permalink

    Hi my name is Jeremy and a short time ago my ex was going thru some hard times as so was I and now we live togethere but are not in a relationship we don’t sleep in the same bed kiss or hold hands but give each other hugs from time to time she tells me that I’m a good guy an I have a good heart but says we’re not getting back together and then adds in well not right now she says she’s not looking for a relationship but wants to date (not me) and she said she does not want a relationship with anyone and that she has no emotions to give anyone she no how I feal about her and that I would like to get back together I’m just wondering am I waiting my time is it possible she will come around I’m confused we no each other so well and make each other happy and both feal like we will be lonely for the rest of are life’s what should I do and thank you for your time

  43. Cole 24 December 2011 at 4:35 am Permalink

    Hello I am a 19 year old man and I dated a 17 year old girl. We dated for two years and recently broke up. I do not know the reason why but I think it is so she can party and everything without me. We talk on the phone daily and texts me and sometimes talks for 2 hours at a time. We hang out occasionally and we have sex and she tells me she loves me and she misses me but she will not be my girlfriend. How do I get her to want me as a lover again? Or is there no hope? Thanks!

  44. Vanessa ( Help plz, ex has me on rollercoaster) 25 December 2011 at 3:54 am Permalink

    Hello Ashley,
    I was actually a member of yours but after 30 days had to leave because parents became upset when they saw credit card info. However, I am 21 years, ex also is 21. I did no contact with him for a month, every week he would text me saying he made biggest mistake, will I give him a chance again one day, misses me loves me exc. We went ti dinner other night. He was really cool and we talked about our lives, work, school and family. I asked him what exactly he was thinking about everything. He told me that he can only tell me three things right now. He misses me, loves me more then life and wants to get back with me but doesn’t know what the future holds. He gave me a hug and whispered in my ear not to stress or worry , only way we wont be together again is if we both mutually decide it wont work again. Now im confused because, he saids he wants to take things very slow, and start hanging out here and there but cant talk to me,like before ( aka like flirty,.cute on texts), because hell want more and right now more cant happen because we both need to grow and heneeds to change certain things about himself , which he feels isnt what I deserved. He regrets breaking up with me and ive heard from couple of his drunk male partners. However, recently I heard that he told someone he never wants to be with me again. I confronted him about it and he said he has told a couple people that, so.they drop the subject. Confused as,to what he wants. He hates talking about breakup or realtiobship problems completely and will talk brief about it. He texts me very brief by using short messages like k,.okay, kk. Haha your too funny, how are you feeling, im here for you always. its very confusing, he also mentioned starting to.hangout with his old buddies ( aka my friends) because he misses them. What does he want Ashley, im goung back into Nc to give him a little scare because its too confusing for me. He will idk to being with me again , then saying yes, but doesnt know what the future holds. Help me plz,

  45. Mason 27 December 2011 at 12:52 pm Permalink

    Hey there, Ashley. I’ve been following your 3 steps to get an ex back. I’ve been in NC with her, but she told me that she’s definitely doing fine now when I greeted her Merry Christmas. (wrong idea) Now I’m in NC again, should I just continue this? Or lose hope? Thanks in advanced!

  46. johnathan 3 January 2012 at 9:10 am Permalink


    ok , was wondering on this : recently broke up with my girlfriend who I’ve been friends with for three years (went out four months officially) .She was seeing a guy whose in the army for three years previous and cheated , and took breaks with him all throughout their relationship even turned down a proposal (.she told me she hasn’t been single since she was 14 and now she’s 19 ) . then she says she wants to see him when he does (created problems) . it ultimately lead to her not doing what she told me , then telling everyone we broke up. so now she wants to go back to being friends and the ex she says makes her happy is leaving for nine months to Germany without her. ice tried moving on and can’t , she still texts me giving me advice on how to move forward , and she even suggested going to lunch. I saw her once since our fight two or three weeks ago to give her a letter I wrote , and a hug. she told me within 30 min later she wanted to kiss me but she knew it would be cheating but yet she said I wanted to .she still texts me every day , she also invited me over to her house to see a new dog, before suggesting we have lunch together. what are the chances she still has feelings for me and wants to get back together ? now I’ve also done the wrong things by expressing I want her back and texting her as well , to respond as well to open communication along with sending me emails. I realise I was rebound , but what are the chances of us going passed friendship and getting back together again ?

  47. Jing 4 January 2012 at 2:40 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley.. I have been dating my girl for about 4 years now.. for four years we hid the truth from her parents about our relationship because i was not a christian and she was not allowed to date. We were then 16 and now we’re 20. The same problem came back and haunt us recently when her parents found out about us. The strange thing is that she immeadietly broke up with me after a call from her dad. We were happy together and loved each other dearly but one day when i called her 2 weeks after her parents found out.. she seemed to have lost it. She said her feelings for me have faded and that she no longer love me. She is 20 and i think shes matured enough to decide for herself. I am trying to get her back ever since but i dont know what i should or should not do.

  48. amy 18 January 2012 at 7:59 am Permalink

    Hi ashley,

    I have been in a relationship with my ex for 3 and a half years, we split up new years eve and i tried my best not to speak to him for a week then i did and after some persuation on my behalf he came to my house and we got back together, when we did i tried my best to make him happy even booked a weekend away just for him to keep telling me he thinks we should be just friends then next minute says he is going to try. Anyway when the weekend came close he decided he wanted to go out with his friends instead and kept telling me we’l be alright we dont need to go away for weekends and that im trying too hard. We ended up having a row and he once again told me he wanted to be just friends and was crying when he said this. I really want him back because we were so good together but i know i took him for granted and didnt really make the effort with him because i never thought he would leave me, stupid i know. Also he used to not like me going out with my friends and always said how much he hated them which i always used to stick up for them but with some i do understand why he disliked them. We have had so many good times together and i was wondering if you think there is any hope? I have already made mistakes by ringing him begging him then getting angry when he doesnt want to speak to me, but i wanted to show him how much i loved him. Do you have any tips?

  49. Anna 23 January 2012 at 7:20 pm Permalink

    Dear Ashley,
    My Boyfriend and I of two years broke up 3 months ago. Since then, I have been trying to keep low key towards him. Recently, he has been contacting me via facebook/text. Everything has been small talk. Tonight, talk and really hit it off. We talk about a lot of stuff, and made each other laugh. It even got a tad flirtatious. Should I have not flirted with him? Did I make a mistake talking to him so long? What if he is just interested in being intimate? I really care about him, and I really don’t want to mess up the possibility of reuniting for a second chance. Please help?

  50. Molebogeng 27 January 2012 at 12:14 pm Permalink

    Its a really pretty long stowi bt I c.rusly need help….I met this guy around the flats »we lived there 2gether«so he 1nce greeted me n I greeted hm n he called me 2 cme @ hs crib n I ignored him…..after 2 days he was sitting @ the balcony with hs frnd n he called me again n I refused so after 20 minutes I went 2 hm telling hm dat he must open a facebook account 4 me n he agreed lol but I was giving hm wrong emails n wrong passwords just 2 have fun with hm so whenever I used 2 give hm somethng wrng he would say the thngs I’m giving 2 hm don’t exist n I slapped hm whenever he said that,so he invited me 2 a party on saturday n so I came….he came 2 my crib 2 ask ma mom if I cn go 2 da party n so my mom agreed….so @ the party n he seemed 2 ignore me n then he came 2 me asking y I’m sitting outside so I tld hm that I’m shy n my frnds tld hm somethn n he went 2 the house n after a while he came 2 me telling me that he likes me n he wnts 2 b my frnd n I must give hm a hug n I gave it 2 hm n I agredd 2 b hs frnd…..so we dated 4 about 2 weeks n his girl came 2 visit hm…4 the weekend not knowin that all along hs frnd took a pic of us n posted on f.b n said that I’m still a kid n I’m still in skul n hs wrkin….I’m 15 n hs 25…so hs frnd dd some thng on f.b saying that they should put their galfrnds as their p.p,I ddnt have hm on f.b n I never been hs frnd on f.b so he posted that girls pic…so after the girl left he called me telling me that he wnts 2 explain y the gi was over there 4 da weekend n I tld hm that he dsnt have 2 explain 2 me n I hung up on hm!n he logged on2 mxit saying that he really wishes that I could give hm time 2 explain n that he really luvs me…so I ignored hm n he asked if we could atleast b frnds b.cos he dsnt wna lose me,so I agreed 2 being frnds,so he said that he dsnt blame me 4 ending thngs,n I ignored hm so I ddnt delete hm on mxit so wen he logged in he was sayin that he miSses n all those lies,again I continuex ignoring hm n the next weekend he called me saying that hs gng 2 Jozi n I must go with hm 2 the taxi ramk so I went with hm n on hs way he tld me that hs frnd was the 1 hu gave the girl the directions nt hm…n I asked hm y he said on f.b that hs gna marry the girl n he said that it was just a f.b thng n I laughed n asked hm y he posted the gals pic on f.b n he said b.cos bt the time I was angry @ hm n I laughed n said ok…when he came bck he called me 2 hs crib….n I went n we obviously had sex n the following week he tld me that the girl is coming n hs gna dump her n I tld hm not 2 do it b.cos hs gna wnt kids n I won’t b able 2 giv it 2 hm n he asked me if I loved hm n I said yes n he said then y I’m I doing this 2 hm n I tld hm that hs gna wnt kids n I’m still young so the girl came 4 the weekend again….n when she left we carried in like nothing was wrng!,n so the 3rd weekend the girl came again n she saw my messages on the guys phne n bt that time my frnd was telling me that she saw them wlkin 2gda n hugging each other on the street….so he called me after 20 minutes telling me that the girl knows about us n I ask hm what’s the next step does he wnt us 2 break up or what….n he said no he dsnt wnt us 2 break up…so after the girl left I started complaining telling him that we don’t spend much time 2gda b.cos the girl is alwys here….n he said I’m being unfair bt he will mke a plan….so the girl ddnt come 4 3 weeks n during those 3 weeks the girl got upset n broke up with the guy b.cos the guy ddnt wnt hm 2 cme n the girl thought that he wnts 2 spend time with me,so apparently they fixed thngs…n the next day my frnd invited the gal on f.b….n my bf called me asking me if I knw the gal hu invited the girl n I said yes shs my frnd n he said ohkay…so after 15 minutes he called me telling me that its over n I said okay n I dropped the phone cause I was @ skul,so I sended hm a msg asking if its a temporary break up or what n he said temporary bt wen I got home I sended hm endless msgs n he ddnt reply n I called hm n he said that hs busy with the girl n I hung up,so the next day ihe saw me n after I left he called me telling me that he said its a temporary break up so y I’m I writing endless msgs n I ignored hm……uhmmmmm the girl is working n I’m still in school….so after I had a fight the girl came 4 the whole week n I have a frnd who lives nxt 2 da guys flat n the girl was in hs room n I was outside with ma frnds n we strted tlkin bwt Thabiso»the guy«so I tld my frnds everythn n she heard us!!n of cause she tld the guy n after the girl left I called hm»I actually don’t know why I dd it«n I asked hm where he is n he said hs sleeping n I said okay n he said that I must not hung up on hm n he asked me y I’m axn n I said just n so I dropped the phone,he called me after 30 minutes n again he asked y I called hm n I said just n he said I must invyt hm on mxit n I invited hm…n he said that hs preparing 4 work so he just wnted 2 chck if I’m okay n he logged out,when he came bck 2 work I tld hm that he must choose he said he will answer me the next day…mso the next day he said he wnts 2 b with me…n after a week the girl came again so after she left 4 the weekend the dude broke up with me telling me that hs breaking up with me b.cos hs been hurting me 4 a long time n he just cnt do it anymre n so I said Okay,apparently I tld hm that I had an abortion b.cos we necer used protection n I fell pregnant n he asked me y I ddnt tell hm about it n I said b.cos the girl was around n he said that I could have sended hm a msg n I said he tld me that he dsnt wnt a kid so y is he complaining….n I went home so on mxit he said hs sowi n I said ok…lol n by the weekend the»the weekend the girl was around«my frnd went 2 da girl n tlked 2 her so I guess that’s 1 of the reason he dumped me so let’s say after a month the guy came 2 me asking me if I still wnt hm n I said no….n he said hs sowi n we belong 2dga n that’s somethng tht will never chnge n so I went bck 2 hm cos he tld me that the girl is no longer in hs life n on saturday I went 2 a party,so I called hm while I was drunk tellung hm that he must come n fetch me n he refused,so I was telling hm shit on bbm n he broke up with me after 2 days we got 2gda….n the nxt day wen we met he said hs dumpin me b.cos of my age n after a week the girl came again n my frnds was teasing her n my ex got pissed off n after the girl left I tld hm that I wnt 2 meet with hm n I tld hm that he msnt call me again n he must get tested b.cos he posted a status on f.b saying that hs getting married 2 da gal n he said that yes hs getting married 2 da gal….damn he tld me a lot of tyms that hs getting married…n so I accepted it n moved on….on new years eve he called me telling me that hs gonna spend hs b.day with the girl n I tld hm 2 never contact me again n I ddnt ask hm anythn about hs b.day so y is he telling me??n I hung up on hm….n after a month I strt getting sms from hm saying that he misses me n he loves me*im sooooooooooooooo confused please hlp me*

  51. Edward 31 January 2012 at 10:02 am Permalink

    hi there,
    My ex ended our relationship in june last year due to me being jelous and the constant argueing. She lives 50miles away from me so we didnt see eachother and barely talked during the first 5 months. We have both been with other people and had very short relationships sinse our breakup. I have moved to a city and changed my life sinse. After 5months we crossed paths in our home town and before i knew it we had sex. It felt like we had made a fresh start (to me anyway.) She then told me that it was a one off and that i should carry on with my life. I cried for a while and cut her off for a while. About a month after this, she contacted me to tell me that she really missed me and how much she realises that i loved her more than she has ever been loved. I did not know how to respond but to tell her that i still love her a couple of days after this i bumped in to her in a bar and the first thing she said was “i love you” and starded kissing me. We then ended up sleeping with one another and spending the rest of the next day having sex and generally having an AMAZING time. She fell in to a mode where she said that we “had a good couple of days but we need to get on with our lives.” So i did. I have been sleeping around a bit but she was still in the forefront of my mind. I thought i would never go back, but the following week we spent a couple of days together under her imagination that we were just friends and told me “not to get the wrong idea” But i could not be a friend! I wanted to hold her, kiss her and be ‘us’ again. She insisted that it was a bad choice, so when i finally left her i was in tears and it was really hard. I told her that “we are not friends, we cant possibly be when we both have feelings greater” I then left her alone.. A few weeks on, she rings me to tell me she loves me, crying. Telling me that she watched a film called ‘One day’ and she thought it was important to confess her love because of the storyline. We had a chat, i was there for her and it upset me that she loves me so much but she cant get back with me. Why? She says that she cant go back to “that!” So the other night, she is in my city, So i ask her if she wants to meet me… She meets me and we kiss as soon as we see eachother, taxi. Get to mine and she flips and starts saying she wont sleep with me because im a male slapper and has a massive rant! I say, ” what am i supposed to do when the giel i adore and love, you, wont be my girlfriend!?” She calmed doown and we sleep. 5am we wake to have really agressive sex and i then go to work, leaving her at mine. She spent the whole day waiting for me to get back, didnt leave my room! I arrived back with food and we had a laugh watching funny vids on youtube. We had sex again, But she stopped through it questioning if its the right thing to. I stpped to respect her view and she said “its not right” so we carried on having a laugh, we then spent alot of time hugging and kissing. She had to go back to her city so we went to the train station, then waited in a pub for the train and had such a nice time, all over eachother, taking photos, laughing. Got on the train with eachother because we agreed that i would spend the night at hers. We went straight to bed and fel asleep in eachothers arms. It was so nice. We then Had sex again tin the morning and she went to work. I then met her on her lunch and we had a nice meal and a kiss or two, huggs and laughs. Said we love each other and i came back to my city.. That is my story up to date! How if it is ever going to happen, do i get the love of my life to commit to me again!? She said it was a nice couple of days but we must get on with our individual lifes again… I know she is scared that it will fall back in to the old relationship but i have changed my ways. I have the ex recovery program but it has been double the amount of time that you recommended i think 3months?? So im baffled with how and if it will happen? Do i Let go? Hard as it is? Please help my heart? she is my soul mate, and i need her in my life.

    Thank you for your time, I look forward to your response.

  52. Chris 8 February 2012 at 2:42 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    My Girlfriend left me a month ago as she felt we had ‘done everything too quickly’ and there was nothing to look forward too. Im 23 and she is 19. When we first started seeing each other i was 20 and she was almost 17. I moved into her mums house with her after about 3 months as I had become a regular fixture at the house anyway.

    We fell in love and were always together – she had always had a crush on me for years. Everything was great, we enjoyed each others company, we couldnt wait to see each other after I finished work and we had a very healthy sex life.

    After about a year of living at her mums place we decided to rent a place of our own. We got on well with the odd silly argument here and there. It wasnt the best of houses as we rushed into it. After 6 months we left that house and moved to a much better place and we were both very happy. In between moving I fell out with her mother big time and she has it in for me big time.

    My girlfriend and I talked about it and got through it but when I was drunk I came out with some harsh comments about her mother, this happened a few times. Apart from that we were happy in our new place. I was often worried about money which rubbed off on her i think.

    When she sat me down between xmas and new year and told me that she thinks we have grown apart, we need some space. I had always promised to take her on holiday but as we had our own place and bills etc I never got round to it. She said we never had anything to look forward to. She said she wanted to part but felt that she would regret it. I didnt really do much to stop her leaving as I want her to be happy and maybe I hoped she would change her mind. I regret not stopping her – looking back she gave me enough chances to. After she left I told her I wanted her back and how much I loved her.

    We met up a week after this and she said she still loves me, and is attracted to me but at that moment she didnt want to be with me and how it was a shame how we went to waste as she has always wanted and loved me. On the same night she came into our house and stayed for a chinese take-away and she came and layed with her head in my lap on the sofa like we used to. I played with her hair for about ten mins then she got up and said ”sorry i shouldnt do this should i”. She sat up but stayed for another half hour and then left as she had work in the morning.

    We were texting each other for a couple of weeks – she was flat sharing with her friend but decided to leave after two weeks and move back to her parents house. She rang and asked if she could borrow my car to help her move – I said yes and leant her it to get to work for a week or so. Every time she saw me she cuddled me.

    I gave her a hand written letter explaining how much I loved her and that I was going to give her space now. I stopped texting her and calling her for a few days, we only spoke when I needed my car back. We saw each other out on a night out and I could see her looking over at me – and she made contact once during the night to say ‘hi’.

    Apart from that we didnt speak for a week. She then called me yesterday in what seemed like a pointless phone call to see how I am and that she had a ‘quick question’ about her laptop that I gave her back (I cleared her stuff from our place and gave it back to her a week before) asking if it was broken when I packaged it up. She seemed to want to talk but I didnt really go over board and try to make much converstation and we ended the call. She then text me asking a question about the car insurance.

    I get on really well with her dad and ive spoken to him a few times – he tells me that he has spoken to her and told her that he thinks she is making a mistake as I always look after her well – got her a great modern home and car. He says she hasnt opened up to him or her mother about our split. He thinks as she is 19 she just needs some times with her friends – which I can understand as she has missed out on a few things since we were together for 2.5 years – we have both neglected our friends a bit.

    I dont know what to think – I would like her back – I love her but I dont know if she wants me back or not. She is very strong willed and doesnt like to go back on decisions. She has been putting out mixed signals on facebook too – knowing I can see her profile. When she is with me when I see her she seems happy.

    Your advice please?

    Thanks, Chris.

  53. Jess 15 February 2012 at 1:38 am Permalink

    Me and my ex broke up in December, I ended it with him and i have done before in the past i think ive knocked his confidence back and made him think things wont change, im serious about us and would love another chance, im his first girlfriend and i know he cares about me but with me chasing him hes obviously pulling away, weve spoke pretty much everyday and still seen eachother from time to time, do i need to give him space to realise the value of the relationship on his own instead of trying to convince him and using logic to get him back, ive made all the mistakes possible my situation seems hopeless :(

  54. j 22 February 2012 at 12:11 am Permalink

    My ex for 1 year broke up with me 5 weeks ago due to “its me not you” reasons. She recently said she missed me a lot lately. but she’s not ready to spend so much time with me, therefore, she rather be alone. what does this mean?

  55. Anna 23 February 2012 at 6:42 pm Permalink

    Dear Ashley,

    Please reply to me! I commented a month ago. My boyfriend and I were together for two years before he ended it in November. I did no contact for a month and a half. Then he contacted me through facebook and we began taking again. I need advice asap. Me and my ex did end up hanging out. Eventually I had sex with him, only because I missed him so much, and was really stressed. We have hung out since then without sex. We actually went in a date valentines day. we had a great time! It was wonderful, like old times. He still says he isn’t ready for a relationship again. Why does he say this? All his friends are single, do you think they are influencing him? I got overwhelmed with emotion tonight and wrote him a letter. The next time we hang out, I’m going to put the letter in his desk for him to find. In the letter I told him how I have been healing without him. I’m told him everything I’m excited for, everything I am in the process of accomplishing. Then I told him that we were both changing, and growing. I would really like to grow together. I told him why I couldn’t just get over him, and how I dont need him to be happy, but I would love for him to be happy with me. Should I put the letter in his desk? Should I read it to him? Or should I just throw it away? Please help! I’m on your emailing list and you never emailed me back there either.

  56. Desiree 28 February 2012 at 5:11 am Permalink

    so me and my ex have been together for about a year and 2months . And been broken up for almost 2 – 3months already. And she’s a girl and I’m a girl. I really love her and she seen me talking to this guy and I really like him. But ikm so confused because my ex is someone I can’t see my life woithout even if were friends . But last night she was crying for me because she can’t bare the fact that I’m “moving on” what do I do? I wana be with her but I don’t feel like ikm ready. But I don’t wana let this guy go either , like its not like I’m being with him ,were just talking but he makes happy . Everyones telling me to try it out with him but I’m justt so rlly rlly confused . I’ve never cut myself before but last night I tried slicing my vein. Nobody knows but this isn’t me , it rlly isn’t .

  57. J 3 March 2012 at 10:14 pm Permalink

    I felt like I wasn’t making my girlfriend happy enough and my girlfriend always felt she wasn’t making me happy enough. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and we stayed together. We are a lesbian couple and once before my girlfriend got really confused and started crushing on this guy. She wanted to have sex with him and wanted to see what it was like being with a guy again. Every since then I’ve been questioning her and her motives. I felt like I was stopping her from her “experiment”, but then again I thought maybe she doesn’t want to anymore since she decided to be with me. But there was always a question in my head like maybe she does. She always said if we were ever to part she’ll be with a guy. I don’t know I don’t care if she like guys. It’s just if you like them that much and talk about being with them than be with one. So I continued to question her and she decided we needed to part. Yet when we parted it felt like she was a bit confused… I mean she’s not happy with her job, herself , or her relationship. Should I just let her be?

  58. DianaD 6 March 2012 at 3:48 pm Permalink

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months, after he several times chose his friends’ company over me. He did not react any way to the brake up, no calls, messages. Then, when he saw me dancing with another guy, he got mad and messaged me saying he didn’t like it and I shouldn’t have done that. I just said that he was the one wrong, because he did not react back to my brake up w/ him. Several weeks later, I texted him saying whether he wanted to talk or not, he didn’t reply either. When we saw each other afterwards, our relationship was ‘tough’, just the usual “hi”, but you could say he was still mad, but lately, he started being nice, started kissing me on the cheek, touching me, looking after me in the club.
    What does this mean?
    I do not know what to do

  59. john william 10 March 2012 at 9:46 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley
    I need advice my girlfriend was distant from me for a few days and wasn’t acting herself and it made me angry so we argued for a couple day then she doesn’t say anything to me for a day and text me she wants it to just be her and school for awhile without me she finally let me talk to her after begging serval times and the tone in her vioce was no sign of sadness so we broke up and an hour later she text me and we start talking and it headed into the direction of wanting a child and we agreed to go back out. Where I need the advice is what it mean she said she wanted space and that was her reason for breaking up with me I’m not sure if she just wants to hurt me again or does she really want me back we been or were going out for 6. Months. I don’t know what will come I want to protect my self from being hurt again but I don’t want to lose her shes saved me countless times. Please help

  60. marcus 11 March 2012 at 4:05 pm Permalink

    Me and my ex girlfriend been together for 7 yes been broken up for two months she told me that she over me but she want me to be there for the kids love her and I miss her her a lot but I don’t believe she over me that fast I want her back in my life what should I do

  61. Edwin Mantilla 15 March 2012 at 3:51 pm Permalink

    Hi, just wanted to say, me and my ex broke up not like a two months ago because she needed her space. she has a lot going in her life her best friend died, bad grades she is overweight an am trying hard to understand her and accept her because i cant force into something she doesn’t want but when we hang out its amazing like nothing happened two love birds but as soon she leaves its like single not even a hi, or something …… all cold an distant. and i asked her if she hooks up its okay but i will not wait for her anymore an move on. but she say she hasn’t but i saw texts of her talking to her friends bout partying and hooking up an i don’t know what to believe maybe am just too blind to see the cold hard truth but i feel if i do move on that i may lose for good. maybe am just scared to let her go. but please i need some advice :)

  62. confused 2 April 2012 at 3:37 pm Permalink

    hi there

    I dont know what the heck to do anymore. Iwas married for 23 years when I asked him to leave and Yes it was on our anniversary. I had enough that day and wanted to get out of the situation i was in. I am not sure what has been happening these past 16 months that we have been seperated. Our seperation has been a trying time since then we have lost our home because he decided he did not want to pay for our mortage any longer and he also has been into hard drugs. Ia m not even sure why \I want him back, but for some reason I still have hopes that he will change and I guess I am still hanging on to that. Since he has gone he really has not helped me with anything, iam also raising our grandson and havent got much help with that either. He comes here like once or twice a week and it usally leads to sex and then he leaves right away. I know how stupid this sounds that I have let this continue but I just start to get happy with my life and he comes around and then I go back to square one I am so sick of it. I know that I should not see him but part of me still feels sorry for him as he spins things back to me all the time. If I say anything to him that I dont like the way he is treating me then he spins it around by saying….see we have two good days together and then we fight. I cant even ask this guy nothing or say that I dont like the way he is treating me or it leads to a fight and he gets his back up to me everytime. I hate it and I hate feeling this way all the time. He controls my emotions on a daily basis still and we arent even living together. I dont know why i let this happen and I know I should not be even talking to him but I do. I got a lawyer and I am taking him to court for the division of our property and support. He has a 40,000.00 bike and thinks that he should get to keep it, like come on. He has taking everything away from me and all I am asking for is half of our remaing assests.. I just dont understand why he wont leave me alone and let me go. Why he keeps coming here and tells me what to do. After all of this I still live him and I dont even know if there is anything I can do to help this relationship..does anyone have any suggestions on what I should DO because I cant keep doing this much longer…..I hate it.

  63. Pain** 9 April 2012 at 1:00 am Permalink

    Im 18 years n my girlfriend is 17 we had a separation because she cheated on me with another guy…Months passesd there wasn’t any contact between us but from d last 2 months shes tries 2 keep in touch n finds out about me through my friends..i started talking 2 her sum weeks ago..she talks about patching up n a commited relation..but after every 2-3 days shes just ignores me n im d one making d 1st move 2 contact..this cycle keeps on repeating again and again..
    when she meets me she behaves totally as we going out..she totally surrenders her body 2 me..
    Can u please suggest me what 2 do ask in i shoud give her a chance o no…
    cant take it anymore!

  64. Stacey 10 April 2012 at 6:36 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    I am in a strange predicament. I am 24 years old and my ex is 26. We broke up two weeks ago after a year and two month relationship and we did not live together. First my ex is the MOST passive person I have ever met (not passive-aggressive…I often joked how he is so passive I don’t think his blood pressure has ever risen above comatose or if he were any more passive he would be walking in verse). He can also be a bit immature sometimes. I am not so passive. I have a strong tendency for being impatient and I often made the first move when we first started seeing each other. All that said here is my situation:
    We broke up after a minor disagreement recently at one of his friend’s house. I tried to remain cool, but stand my ground…and I did not lose my cool until the car ride home. He had already been acting very distant towards me the weeks prior to this incident but after we had several long talks about our likes and dislikes and how we could work through this, he said that he has been feeling depressed and needed time to think all this through. I call it his quarter life crisis. He wanted time/space or a “break” so I left him alone. I know he had been going through some personal issues about a little weight he gained and the fact he couldn’t find a job in the field he has a degree. Several months before this I agreed to get him a job at my work in the warehouse. We saw each other almost every day during lunch and less and less outside of work. It wasn’t until one of his best friends separated from is dysfunctional wife that he started truly pulling away from me. I describe his friend as having little moral character and has an ego the size of Texas and they have been spending a lot of time together on the weekends these days. He told me during our time of giving each other space that shortly after our original argument that night he has lost a lot of attraction for me. After several more talks (not yelling, but involved some tears) we decided to be friends because I could not rest peacefully in this limbo land called a “break.”
    Since then he has asked me to hang out every day during lunch and calls me a couple times on weekends or texts me during the week days wanting to chat and talk about non-chalet stuff…no mention of “us” or the break-up and I have not put any pressure on the subject. I try to follow the break-up rules and keep it short or try to be the first to end the convo but he’ll say stuff like are “you trying to get off the phone” or “do you have to go”? He acts like nothing has changed except our physical relationship which has been non-existent. But he does causally mention even when he goes out with his buds he just can’t get into it with them. I haven’t asked him why, but my mind does wonder if it is because he is still thinking about me?
    I definitely have issues with his non-committal attitude even when we were exclusive so that does concern me if we were going to get back together. My issues were always feeling a lack of affection.
    I fear I have stuck myself in the friend zone. Even before reading one of your articles I wondered if he was doing hanging out with me out of guilt or to stay in his comfort zone. I wish I could read his mind and see what he wants…to try to make this work or am I just his comfort blanket? All this is making my stomach hurt.
    How should I handle his hot and cold behavior? It has been two weeks since the official break up and five weeks since our fight. Should I give it a couple more weeks before asking him about his intentions or wait until he brings up the subject, but given his passive nature that may never happen. I am wondering if this “friend-time” is a test to see if I have worked on my patience issues or to see if he can see me that way again. But I don’t want to wait much longer and seal my fate as a “friend”. All advise is welcome! Thanks!

  65. Antonio R. 5 July 2012 at 5:29 pm Permalink

    Hi Ashley,

    I need some help. My former girlfriend messages me on facebook on the last over the weekend mornings, she says that she misses me and loves me. I’m getting confused and I don’t know where to start. I still talk to her shortly on the phone but I don’t know if that sign means that she wants me back or not. What should I do to win her heart back?

  66. Nita Ochotorena 27 January 2015 at 9:06 pm Permalink

    Aw, this was a really nice post. Finding the time and actual effort to generate a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a whole lot and don’t seem to get anything done.

  67. Keith gist 9 April 2015 at 9:01 am Permalink

    Hey Ashley I’m goin to try to keep it short,but I’m 26 and she is 20 we have been together for 6 years we have a 11 month old child,we went threw many stages where we were around each other too much,argued about the most petty things,we broke up a thousand times but get bk together after a week or so,she’s cheated I’ve cheated,seems like we always kept score,wen we first broke up for good we still went out together went baby shopping together had slot of fun together,it was really me trying to mend the relationship,she says I can’t make her happy anymore,I cheated while she was pregnant,I never had her back to outside people,but I was there every step of the way during and after pregnancy,our child didn’t breathe for 30 minutes n I held her the whole time,she says wen she wanted a family I didn’t want it but gettin down to it,I feel she only wanted a family until she knew she was pregnant,not before,she says we have done everything together and acts as if I took her life from her,it’s April 8th I stopped comin around on march 16,thts wen we had the last talk,now she is already on facebook with another guy sayin thts her boyfriend,I feel deep down after all the things she’s puttin me threw now tht I still want to at least give our family a try,she acts like it’s all my fault but the only time we have a serious conversation is wen things hit the fan,she says she isn’t the talking type,I keep our child 7 or 8 days at a time n she doesn’t even care she is away from her baby tht long,I can’t even go a day without seein her,n now tht things are the way they are I have to n it kills me bt it doesn’t have any affect on her,idk how I’m goin to make our family work

  68. keli 31 July 2015 at 4:20 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley
    Me an my kids father broke up bout 10 months ahead after he left me week later he was with someone else he’s 29 she’s 19. They broke up 3 times already an they are broken up now he always comes back to me last time he came back he talked about coming home for good. He’s in the hot cold ex one min he says he’s feeling me an next he’s not he’s back an fourth his B-Day in April he came to b with me an he said he don’t get love where he is at he only gets promises. Recently he told me twice he loved me an he didn’t correct himself an then couple days later he said sometimes he’s feeling me an sometimes he’s not. U can’t love me one day an not the next I feel her confused an lying to himself. We have two boys together we were together ten yrs since we were 18. He’s the love of my life an I know an he does love me but I don’t know. He’s confusing me. Please help me Ashley understand. The K you so much. Sincerely keli

  69. Dorothy 8 January 2016 at 3:02 am Permalink

    Hi Ashley,
    Here’s my question. Got invloved with a married man, he left his wife and came to live with me (divorce proceedings started). 4 months later went back to wife and stopped divorce. 3 weeks later he contacted me and said he made a mistake and came back to me. We moved out of state briefly but came back for his kids/grandkids. Month after we moved back(after being together for 6months) he went back to wife. Now, 2 months later, he’s back to saying he made a mistake. Do I just walk away this time? I do really love him. I haven’t tried to pursue him or contact him. It’s been all him. I am so confused because he is hot and cold. Thanks.

    • Ashley Kay 29 February 2016 at 11:47 am Permalink

      Considering this has happened twice already (him going back and forth). I doubt he has changed. The problem is him, not you. But you are enabling his bad behaviour by being so accepting of his indecisiveness. Mind you, people who can’t make up their minds are usually unhappy about something else, it has nothing to do with you. He’s just trying to temporarily solve his unhappiness by switching between you and his wife. I doubt he truly cares about you or his wife. Anyway, I’d suggest you move on from this guy. Each time he leaves and comes back, it only sets YOUR progress back.

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