A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a man I really loved and cared about. Our relationship was far from perfect and we argued all the time, but we loved each other and for a long time, I thought that was enough. I believed the rest would just work itself out.
Consciously, I thought things were going fine. We had issues but we were “working” on them.
Subconsciously however, a lot of underlying tension was brewing. This soon would erupt and cause fatal melt down to our relationship.
One unsuspecting day, we had another one of our arguments. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it. I was complaining about how he never wanted to do things with me, and never thought of me. Basically, I felt unappreciated.
I wanted him to talk to me and make me feel better.
At first, I was calm. I wanted to just talk. Get the issue out in the open and not just sit on it.
I got a little more upset. I couldn’t understand his reasoning here. What’s wrong with just talking about things?
I started calling him on the phone. He wouldn’t pick up. I tried 3 more times. He had disappeared.
That’s when something inside me clicked. I realized for the first time, that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t want to be with someone who would rather run away and hide than deal with our problems.
This was the first time I seriously considered breaking up. Immediately after that, I thought about leaving the relationship for good.
At first, this made me feel empowered. I started recounting every argument we’d had, collecting justification for this newfound decision of mine. This made me feel good. I wasn’t hurting anymore.
My newfound strength lasted about 4 hours.
By the 5th hour, I was missing him terribly again, asking myself why he was such an idiot and why I still loved him so much.
At this point, my decision had changed from being certain I wanted out – to saying things like… “If he calls me now and apologizes, I’ll forgive him.” Or “I’ll give him another day or so to make it up to me.” Or “I was being a little unreasonable, maybe I should call him and apologize. I do miss him.”
In the end I decided that I would wait for him to contact me. After all, I was the one who reached out to him last, and he had to know I was waiting for him to call me. Right?
He didn’t call the next day.
Or the day after that.
By Day 3, I was starting to think he was the one breaking up with ME.
On Day 4, he sent me an email.
It was long, but the gist of the email was basically him defending himself and how he did no wrong in the whole ordeal.
He had a knack for conjuring up excuses that removed him from taking responsibility for anything.
I guess he made up my mind for me. I knew I wasn’t too smart, but I wasn’t THAT dumb either.
The shocking part wasn’t that I broke up with him after this letter (all clues were pointing that way), but what happened AFTER I broke up with him.
Apparently, when someone breaks up with you (whether the relationship was good or not), a chemical reaction in your brain is trigger, called the “DESPERATE and NEEDY” chemical – this new chemical in your system gives you a sudden new purpose in life..
“ to chase your ex as hard as you can until they give in!”
This was what my ex did, and let me warn you now. 95% of you will have it after a break up! Even if you don’t act on this impulse to chase your ex, you will still feel it in your bones.
Learn from my ex, what NOT to do if you want to get your ex back (there are better ways, trust me).
Don’t let this happen to you!
Mistake #1 – Remaining in Constant Contact
Reason you may want to do this: I don’t want my ex to forget about me or think I don’t care.
I run a popular email newsletter and this is the most common thing I get emailed about (after “How do I get my ex back?” and “Do you think I have a chance?”).
Most people don’t like the idea of stopping all contact. It’s out of their comfort zone and deathly intimidating.
The terribly real fear is that your ex may forget about you and find someone else – younger and better than you.
So I guess you counteract this fear by keeping a lock-tight eye on them – calling, emailing, txting or randomly popping up at their place.
After all, having a friendly relationship is better than no relationship at all, and that means you still have some power over their decision to date, not date and maybe, even get back together with you.
This couldn’t be more wrong.
You must fight AGAINST your natural instinct to chase after a rejection because it does nothing but make you look weak and desperate.
Case in point.
What is your natural reaction to someone running full force at you, arms outstretched, tongue hanging out, and a sure desperation in their eyes?
Counter that with your reaction to the majestic sculpture of Michelangelo’s statue of David. Which would make you stare at in awe and which would make you run?
Humans are repelled by the weak, drawn to the powerful.
So if you find yourself calling your ex over and over, stalking them all over social media sites, sending a string of emails with ILOVEYOUILOVEILOVEYOU all over them, it’s maybe time to step back and observe the disasterpiece you’ve created for yourself.
Just like any horrendous painting, you CAN wipe the slate clean and start anew.
Mistake #2 – Using Reason and Logic
Reason you may want to do this: If I make a good argument why breaking up is not the solution, then my ex will see my logic and come back.
Logic has no place in a break up. We are driven by irrational wants and irrational emotions. Your argument may be sound but if your ex doesn’t believe you then it won’t matter what you say.
No one wants to be convinced they’re wrong, and that’s what you’re essentially saying when you try to reason your ex this way.
Here’s the truth. Your ex has their external reasons for breaking up and then there’s their internal reasons. Down to the core, we’re driven by our internal wants and desires. It’s hard to change someone’s mind if you’re not sure what is motivating them in the first place.
The mistake is to assume that you know what’s best for them when you only know what they’ve allowed you to know.
To get through to your ex, you must show them through your actions the qualities they desire, as well as giving them time to come to their own conclusion.
Your ex will want you back when they realize it’s far more rewarding to be with you than without you.
Mistake #3 – Being Extra Nice and Loving or Changing Behaviour Too Quickly
Reason you may want to do this: If I’m extra nice, sweet and loving around my ex then they’ll see I’ve changed and come back.
Most of us have learned through experience that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
The downside to changing too quickly after a break up, is the unbelievably factor.
It’s just not believable that your new change is sustainable over a long period of time. If your ex doesn’t believe you, they won’t trust you enough to come back.
Slow and gradual progress works much better here.
Mistake #4 – Taking No Contact to the Extreme
Reason you may want to do this: If I just ignore my ex, they’ll see they can’t live without me and come back.
Ignoring someone – or in other words – pretending they don’t exist and not worth your time, will not get you in the good books with anyone. It may catch their attention, but eventually you’ll have to stop ignoring them.
Once you go back on contact, that’s when you get hit with the consequences.
Case in point. My ex may have waited too long for an apology. And when the apology came (was there one?) it wasn’t even sincere.
Put aside the idea that there has to be someone right and someone wrong. If the only reason you’re holding back contact is so you can avoid admitting defeat, then ask yourself this:
“Would I rather be right or in love?”
Mistake #5 – Deliberately Doing Things to Piss Your Ex Off
Reason you may want to do this: If I just make their life miserable, they’ll see they’re better off with me than without me.
Sometimes we’re so hurt and frustrated by someone that instead of doing what we know to win them back, we direct our anger at them instead.
You may want to hurt your ex to get back at them. You may want to yell, blame, name-call and lay on the guilt-trip because you don’t know what else to do. But doing so will hurt you ten times more than it will hurt your ex.
Key point to remember: “The secret to getting what you want is to give whatever it is you wish to receive.”
If you give out abuse, expect abuse back. If you only give out kindness and love, that’s what you’ll receive as well.
The trick is to prepare for outbursts beforehand. If you know a part of you hate your ex for doing what they did, do NOT seek contact with them until that emotion has subsided.
I won’t go into the details of how my ex made these mistakes, but he did. At one point, I thought to myself: “Who is this person?” It made me question whether I really knew him at all.
The point is break ups bring out the WORST in people. IE. all your insecurities, fears and weaknesses come floating up to the surface and it can make you do crazy things that create lasting damage to your relationship.
What To Do If You’re Making These Mistakes Now?
So if you’ve realize that you’re no angel either and you have made one or all of these mistakes, do not fret just yet.
Chances are, your ex expected some type of resistance to the break up. At least it shows you care and give a shit after all.
But has it completely ruined your chances?
I’m giving away one of the bonuses included in The Ex Recovery System.
Get it here FREE:
This report reveals what I believe are telltale signs that you still have a chance with your ex. This is only a series of free reports I’ll be sending to you