Do you find your relationships keep failing time and time again? The truth is far from the fairytale we’ve grown up to know. The fact is, people who stay in love are the ones who work HARD at staying in love on a DAILY BASIS.
That’s right, it’s not exactly “easy” to stay in love.. at least not after the initial honeymoon period is over.
And you know what? That’s why a “loss of attraction” occurs so commonly in relationships. You know when your partner tells you, “I just don’t love you anymore”, or “I’m just not feeling that spark” or “I’m not attracted to you like I used to be.”
They think this is a sign they’re meant to be with someone else, or to find someone else. But you know what, the truth is, MOST people who get together have a great chance to staying together and being in LOVE together for a long long time. It’s just that they forget that they need to work hard at staying in love!
That being in love feeling won’t always be there! Or won’t come as easily as it used to.
But you CAN get it back. It takes some work and it takes some FOCUS, but it’s definitely possible!
One of the techniques I talk about in the ERS is Emotional Programming. This is a great example of how your relationship can become HARDER to maintain and what you need to do to “cure” those issues.
But be warned, it’s easy to read it and understand the concept, but it’s much more difficult in practice… especially if your partner is unwilling to work on this with you.
So if you know you have some reoccuring problems with your partner, or you’re having a hard time convincing your partner that you’ve changed for the BETTER, then you’ll want to try this technique.
Emotional Programming is one of the techniques within The Ex Recovery System. It is:
- A long term strategy.
- Trains or programs your partner to think a certain way about you.
- Reprograms the negative “patterns” developed throughout the course of your relationship.
Here are examples of the type of negative patterns which need to be changed in your relationship if it isn’t working:
- Every time the subject of money or spending money gets brought up, your partner starts an argument or turns negative.
- Every time the phone rings on a Saturday night, your partner thinks it’s another girl calling you, and they start an argument about how you can’t be trusted.
- Every time you show up late for something, your partner accuses you of being “inconsiderate”, “selfish” and “disrespectful”.
Here’s the thing. Your partner ONLY exists in your mind, and a VERSION of you exist in your partner’s mind, but this is not the REAL you, it’s their version of you. Overtime you each develop a set of personality trait conclusions called schemas for the other person. Negative Schemas are thinking your partner is or being known as:
- Lazy
- Stupid
- Pigheaded
- Cruel
- Hard
- Selfish
- Crazy
You can also develop schemas about your partner’s motivation and intentions: “She’s trying to control me…” “It’s all ego; trying to build himself up by tearing me down…” “He’s only nice to me because he wants to have sex…” These schemas are developed by a great deal of MIND-READING! That is why OPEN and CLEAR communication is a MUST! Here’s the steps to reprogramming negative schemas:
- Identify negative patterns in your relationship. (These should be factors associated to the break up).
- Tell your partner you have stopped that certain behaviour they disliked.
- SHOW your partner a new pattern associated with that behaviour – reprogramming aspect.
- Show them AGAIN under different circumstances.
- Show them ONE LAST TIME.
- NEVER repeat an old pattern.
Example: “Every time the subject of money or spending money gets brought up, your partner starts an argument or turns negative.”
1. Identify the negative pattern – Understand the REAL reason for your partner running this negative pattern. (She doesn’t feel any security from you financially.)
2. Stopping the association – taking action to become more financially secure in your OWN life. Let her know what you are doing (looking for another job, found another job etc)
3. Show your partner a new pattern – talk about money in a POSITIVE manner and alter your behaviour about money. (Be generous if you’re a scrooge, start saving if you spend too carelessly.)
4. Show them AGAIN under different circumstances. (When the discussion of money is brought up, STOP the pattern by mentioning that is the past and things are different now).
5. Show them ONE LAST TIME.
6. NEVER repeat an old pattern.
Sometimes due to the severity of the old pattern, you may have to repeat it more than 3 times, but 3 times is usually enough to replace the old pattern with the new.
Now, can you identify one main issue that is the course of negative associations or schemas, and work on how you are going to use Emotional Programming to replace that pattern with a new and much more attractive one?
This is only ONE of the techniques you can use within The Ex Recovery System, and of course it’s going to be 10x easier if your partner is a willing participant and understands what you’re trying to do. This will yield you much greater results.
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